Denver’s Axis Yoga teacher training asks students to apply one of the yama’s – or yogic principles – to their lives. This student examines how her attachments to not only material items, but also to people and emotions, effect her. She finds that letting go of physical possessions is one thing, but letting go of emotional attachment to people is far more challenging.
I fought this experiment every inch of the way, whining like a child who doesn’t want to eat her vegetables even though it is good for her. I started thinking about aparigraha and to be quite honest I was a little smug because I had started practicing this yama a few years ago without even realizing it. I had cleaned out my closet, getting rid of things that I didn’t need and have worked on releasing myself from the ideas that I held onto so tightly. I opened my mind and life up to new ideas, which helped me to accept that my old way of thinking wasn’t very healthy for me. Christianity wasn’t benefiting me one bit, it actually made me very discontent. I found Baba Hari Dass’s observation of the three primary expressions of discontentment to resonate with me. I felt anger, deceit, covetousness, jealousy, hate, pride, lust and gluttony because of my attachment to people, things, and ideas (Silence Speaks,122).
One day I decided I didn’t want to feel those things anymore, and I knew what I had been doing for the last couple decades wasn’t working so I read Eckhart Tolle’s book “Awakening to your life’s purpose”. I felt awkward and embarrassed purchasing the book; it was like painting a big scarlet letter on my shirt saying I was a failure or a mental case. I was now reading a self-help book, utter shame enveloped my psyche but then I started reading his book and it made sense to me. My first hurdle was successful and I was excited to learn more about bettering myself. My new view on life was if you want peace, you have to start with yourself. So I tried to break the vicious circles I had created in my life and I struggled with that immensely. However, I found when I went to a yoga class I was more apt to feel more peaceful and project more peace in my actions, so I went every chance I was able.
Like I said, I was pretty smug with myself. I mean I was living with really simple means; I slept on an air mattress and had a folding camping chair as luxury items. I ate on the floor or in my chair and the outside world only came to me via cell phone or internet, which I had to have for my flight attendant job. Everything I owned fit neatly in my little Pontiac. I felt free from clutter and free in general from the attachment those things brought. It was great knowing I could throw everything into my car and just hit the road in a matter of hours, it was an amazingly freeing feeling. Despite all that, I was buying things I didn’t really need. Clothes, shoes, and accessories were a fall back. It made me feel better if I had had a bad day or even better I would just find reasons to shop. I soon realized my problem and didn’t buy anything for about six months. I pushed myself to the extreme opposite, which I don’t recommend. It was difficult but I was strict with myself, I was buying the cheapest of necessities as well. Cheap food, cheap hygiene products, cheap haircuts (big mistake!). I was all about not letting things accumulate and crowd my life. I felt neglected by my own self, I felt sad that I wasn’t allowing myself any luxury. So moderation became my friend after a horrific haircut brought me to tears (attachment to my hair, I know) and my cheap hair products were making my hair fall out and the food I was eating was making my acid reflux flair up, which caused me to lose sleep and be grouchy. Health and quality of life soon moved to the forefront; I bought vitamins, lifted weights, ran, practiced yoga more, and did long hikes in the mountains. I felt better and realized some attachments are okay, my attachment to my body and quality of life was healthy because it helped me be a better person. If I felt good, I was more happy and at peace with myself, which I projected to the world.
I was doing well with most of my attachments but I had not even thought about my attachment to people. I was and still am very attached to people. I am a jealous person and that tends to lead me to hate and anger. Looking back at all of my past relationships, I sheepishly realized it was the reason for most of the arguments and then, inevitably, the breakup. I felt childish and stupid for letting my emotions take complete control of my life. I was insecure and jealousy flared up its nasty head in every relationship I have ever had. I first began working on it a few years back when I stepped back from it and saw it for what it was. Insanity. My mind is making me insane! I felt the blood boil in my veins, I would start shaking uncontrollably, and my heart would pound so furiously that that was the only thing I could hear. BUMPBUMPBUMPBUMPBUMPBUMP wildly screamed in my head and I couldn’t think of anything else but anger and hatred. Once I finally stepped back and took a good, hard look at myself I felt silly. Clarity arose and my mind freed itself from the grasp of my negative emotions. I would love to say that I was completely cured, but I wasn’t and still am not. I still feel a rise in temperature on occasion but nothing like it was. It is still a work in progress but I am also working on trying to see people in a new light, that we are all the same being.
Attachment to people has also made me a prideful person and perhaps fearful in some respects. I concern myself with their well being and don’t want to let them down. I make sure I don’t disappoint them by showing up for them even if it disrupts my own life or isn’t in my best interest. They want me there, I show up. I am reliable and I take great pride in it. I know that sometimes people take advantage of that but I am okay with it because I want to be there for them and it feels like a selfless act, which I suppose makes me feel good about myself. Okay, so it’s probably not a good thing. I suppose I will have to learn how to say no to people, I think that will be a really freeing thing to learn how to do. However, I think I will have to start out really small. I think it will be difficult because I have been the ‘yes’ girl for so long.
I realize now why I didn’t want to start this experiment, I have so many things I need to work on. Even though I don’t have many physical or material attachments any longer, I have a plethora of other attachments I need to work on. However, by becoming aware of them, I am more able to release myself from those attachments. This experiment was incredibly helpful and I will use it as motivation to begin learning how I can become less attached to people
As part of Denver’s Axis Yoga teacher training program, students apply a yogic principle to their daily lives. This student chose to take the approach of examining grasping, greed, and outcome-driven actions within her individual life. Working for an organization whose goals rely on grasping and greed, this student found extreme challenge in reconciling her work with these principles.
When Derik said that the Yamas were listed in order of precendence, I knew I had to start at the end. My job, my life, and my sloppy self-reflection skills all demanded that I take it easy on this one. So, I went straight to the end: aparigraha. The three versions of the sutras I had access to (How to Know God, translated by Swami Prabhavananda and Christopher Isherwood; The Heart of Yoga by TKV Deshikar, and The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by Swami Satchidananda) all had slightly different takes on sutra 3.29. I decided to skirt the connotations of accepting gifts and reincarnation, and take the approach of examining grasping, greed, and outcome-driven actions within my individual life. I was a little bit intimidated by how intertwined all the yamas seem to be in human behavior, if not in concept. I was not able to come up with a testable hypothesis or question for this experiment, and instead just decided to keep the awareness of the yama as much as possible while going about my job.
My job entails several levels of grasping, outcome-oriented action, and greed. In the most general level, having a job at all is something I do in order to accomplish a standard of living for my family that I’m not willing to let go of. Beyond the practicality of money and all the life-giving or frivolous things it can buy, I have a huge stake in my identity as a responsible parent, doing what needs to be done. Part of my pride as an individual (in other words, ego) is in struggling through hard situations to achieve higher goals. If my family and I experienced life as easy and enjoyed every minute of it, I would definitely feel guilty; as if we were way too spoiled and there was something else I should be taking care of. Likewise, resignation to my family’s suffering without trying to resolve it (a nongrasping acceptance or giving of circumstance over to a higher power) seems lazy and misguided as well. I’m sure there are other options for how to approach making a living for a family, but I don’t understand them right now.
On a more detailed level, the place I work in particular inspires grasping, greedy, and outcome-driven behavior. As a FOR PROFIT fundraiser that solicits funds for nonprofit and political groups (almost all left-wing progressive groups), it uses telmarketer tactics to exploit donors’ and callers’ genuine concern and passion for the issues, turning them into money. The amount of money we raise strictly for the profit of the company and how much goes to the organizations we’re calling for is kept secret, but a google search speculates that only 35% of the money goes to the organizations that hire us. We, as callers, are trained to be single-minded in obtaining donations, mislead donors about the nature of our work (almost all assume we are volunteers working directly with their beloved organization), and get as much money as possible in credit card form. In order to keep the job, we have performance perimeters to reach. We compete with each other to stay in the top tiers of performance, as the lower 40% of the room can be fired at any time. Of course we, individually, have financial rewards for raising more money.
Even before I started my experiement I was uncomfortable with the nature of my work, and I knew that I felt ever so much better when my conversations with donors respected their wishes (ie, “take me off the list,” “I can’t talk now,” etc.) But, grasping to keep my job and my performance numbers high, I needed to enact the conversational grasping behaviours that I learned in training, such as agreeing to take the donor off the list, and THEN attempting to get a donation out of them, overcoming their financial misgivings by redirecting their attention to the issues they care about, and misleading them about the nature of the call. Basic manipulative techniques.
When I started my experiment, I became downright tortured by this dynamic. I knew what I was doing, and didn’t know how to stop. I beat myself up, made a spectacle of myself in my plight when Santosh opened up the room for discussion, and still have no real idea how to resolve my sins. Because as much as stopping grasping is a noble goal, the only way I can see to approach it is in AVOIDING, like crazy, the situations that I associate with the behavior. Avoiding is its own form of grasping, right? I do think I did the right thing for my situation in keeping my job. But I also feel the tension in doing what has to be done even if what has to be done is basically flat-out wrong. I like to address this tension through activism, which also has a huge element of grasping thoughts, words, and behavior.
On Monday I do start a new job, whose tasks are noble and necessary and which compensates me comfortably. But I suspect that if I were to start my experiment over again next week, I would find more tortuously subtle forms of grasping that are just as hard to resolve given my nature, the culture I live in, and my family’s particular situation in the world. Yoga really is the gift that never quits giving.
As part of Denver’s Axis Yoga teacher training program, students are asked to apply a yogic principle to their daily lives. This student chose to combine the yogic principle of Aparigraha (non-possessiveness, non-attachment) into her therapy sessions to begin to understand and overcome her attachments. She becomes aware of how her attachments are linked to her self-image and this acknowledgement helps her transform her thoughts and desires into a more positive outcome.
About Us
The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
Today we specialize in grassroots Pay What You Can workshops, accessible retreats and our signature yoga teacher training, for the outlier yogi.
Contact Us
Denver Yoga Underground Director:
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave