Bringing Awareness to Consumption: Results Part I

On the first day I went to a clothing store to return some clothes and do a little shopping. I bought a few items without much attention to the criteria and when I got home realized I didn’t really need them. Not a great start to non-accumulation. They also didn’t fit. That’s the double whammy. I didn’t try them on in the store because I was trying to do too many things in too little time. But by mismanaging my time in this way I now have to take an extra trip back to the store to return the clothes.

Another journal entry detailed my trip to the grocery store. While I certainly bought more food than we need to survive, I was more present in considering completely extraneous purchases. I was, as usual, in a hurry (or maybe I’m just conditioned to always feel hurried.) This caused asteya towards the store employees as I put things back in the wrong place, knowing they would have to re-stock it properly; I was stealing their time. I acknowledged to myself that if I could simply focus on only the shopping rather than what I needed to get to next, I wouldn’t feel as though I didn’t have time to put things back myself.

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Bringing Awareness to Consumption: Results Part II

On another day I found that I was very focused on singular tasks at hand following a restless night of both my husband and baby being ill. The desire to take care of them focused my attention. Likewise, the days that I am most busy are the days I seem to manage my time the best. My thoughts narrow to mirror the checklist approach of my day, addressing one item at a time.

The accumulation of things seemed to ebb and flow. I was consistent with justifying the periods of purchasing. While I didn’t need to buy or accept certain items that were given to me, there were always more reasons to have the items than not to. So I found my list of criteria to be pretty ineffectual since I could find a way to apply pretty much anything to at least one of those bullet points.

The sadhana practice for training my mind to focus did show some progress. During the first few days of meditation my mind was all over the place. My thoughts were racing. But over time I did find brief moments of stillness. My brain was more cooperative with the pranayama since that gave it an actual task to focus on. I also believe that the meditation and pranayama began to bring emotions up to the surface that initially made my mind more cluttered. But once I was forced to work through the issues, there was a noticeable improvement in quietness and focus.

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Bringing Awareness to Consumption: Conclusion

My first hypothesis about non-accumulation did not turn out to be very accurate. The list of criteria would have been more effective if it just limited purchases to survival needs, giving me less wiggle room to justify things. But the truth is that I live in this material world and spend accordingly. This experiment showed me that I am certainly not “freed from the illusion of ownership.” And I can see how craving material things “muddies the stream of tranquility.” I will continue to be conscious of my purchasing behavior and hopefully improve over time.

My second hypothesis about misappropriation of my time was correct. In only a couple weeks I saw a definite improvement in my ability to give my full attention to the people and tasks at hand. I am confident that with continued practice I will experience more quietness of mind that will allow me to give fully of myself rather than spreading myself too thin.

Completing this experiment on asteya has shown me how this practice of restraint can lead to a lessening of desires and more awareness of my actions and their impact on others.

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Student Experiments with Letting Go

As part of Denver’s Axix Yoga teacher training program, students experiment with the application of one of many yogic prinicples to their daily lives. This student applies the principle Aparigraha (letting go and allowing for change) to her fear of aging. Through the use of mantras and heart-opening asanas (specifically utrasana –or camel) she experiments with finding peace in the present. Her dedication to her practice during the experiment leads to other changes in her behavior and relationships.

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Transformation Through Letting Go: Introduction

I truly believe that the universe provides me with what I need when I need it. The self-study I chose to work within focuses on the yama Aparigraha. A fellow classmate had mentioned an example of Aparigraha in a previous class discussion that sounded like a proverbial gong in my head. I fear aging. And my fear plays a tape recorded message in my head about getting my hands on anything that will stop time. Body products, exercise, clothes, diets and so much more. It is a running joke in my household about me clinging to youth.

I spent some time considering how I would begin with a question about my coveting ways that could then be turned into an experiment. So, I turned to my Meditations from the Mat book by Rolf Gates and a quote from Marimar Higgins regarding Aparigraha. Ms. Higgins states that “Aparigraha is the practice of letting go and allowing for change. We give and we take. We obtain and give away. Aparigraha looks not only at physical possessions but also beliefs, ideas, and even grudges that we hold on to. Aparigraha invites the present moment to be just what it is.” Ms. Higgins definition fits more what I believe I need to invite into my life – being present in the moment and letting go of the past. Rolf Gates shared his experience with his pranayama teacher when he reflected on his own behaviors/thoughts regarding Aparigraha. His teacher held a mirror up to him and in it he saw a deep-seated belief that once you have something you should not let it go at any cost. Both these definitions resonate for me and hopefully will help me shape the work I planned to address in this yama. I believe the root to all this is lack of self love. So, what would happen if I put more love for myself into my practice?

My hypothesis is that if I increase and incorporate love for myself into my practice I will be able to see what I need to let go of, in this case, fear of aging and begin to live fully in the present.

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Transformation Through Letting Go: Experiment Design

I consulted Santosh (Axis Yoga intructor) for a mantra that I could recite twice a day. Once before sandhana and once at the time before I retire for the day. I planned to recite the mantra 108 times. Om Namah Shivaya would be the mantra. During my daily asana practice I incorporated heart opening asanas, specifically Ustrasana. And finally, I also would journal my observations.

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Tranformation Through Letting Go: Chanting and Asana

Chanting the mantra took a slow but steady start. I have never really liked the sound of my voice so I thought that this part would be challenging. I found over time that I did not hear my voice but only the vibrations of the sounds. I felt light. I normally feel heavy in my head and heart region. It is a little hard to explain in words but it seems similar to carrying a heavy weight, all the time. I would finish the mantra and find my sadhana practice easier to settle into and I slept more soundly after the evening chanting. My dreams were not heavy or dark. My husband commented that when he awoke in the morning he would see me smiling as I slept. He told me he could not recall in the 23 years we have been together a time when he has observed that in me while I slept. I felt rested and had more energy.

I started my asana practice with more heart opening poses, especially Ustrasana. I do not fully move into the Ustrasana pose when practicing because of the intense feelings that are brought up. I have in the past gone just far enough to feel the emotions begin to bubble up and then move out of it into Balaasana. So, I dreaded my asana practice knowing where I needed to go. I left the pose towards the end of the practice for two reasons. First, I thought I could “recover” from the pose better in shavasana and second, as stated before I dreaded it. I was determined to stay in the pose five breath cycles the first week and then try to increase breath cycles as the weeks progressed. Most days I was able to keep this commitment to myself. Tears would well up and intense feelings would seem to pool around my heart. Once in shavasana I felt the emotions float away. I did not have any moments of “ah ha” as to the origins of the emotions nor did I come to any conclusions as to how to fix the emotions. I just allowed them to bubble up and let go of them. Sometimes, I would lay in shavasana for 15 minutes. I noticed and wrote in my journal that I would feel light headed and unable to focus for a few moments after an intense practice. As the day progressed, I felt very calm and did not judge myself so harshly.

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Transformation Through Letting Go: Shopping

An unexpected result began to occur. I stopped spending money as much. I realize that last statement may sound strange. When I typically, shop I pick up the things I think my family needs. In the last few weeks, I have not rationalized needing the things that I thought we needed before. I did not initially observe this. My husband did. He called it to my attention one day as we were sitting and chatting about our day. He asked if I was able to find all the things that I need at the stores I frequent because the receipts were less than usual. I answered that I thought so and then we began to discuss what I wasn’t buying and why. I found myself saying” I do not need that particular item” but not knowing exactly why. Perhaps I had been filling a void with stuff. I cannot come to that conclusion with just the data that I have gathered but I do feel there is a correlation.

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Transformation Through Letting Go: Relationships

My relationships with friends and family are not the same. When I began this experiment, I told my daughter and husband about it on the way to dinner. I told them about the yamas and then about Aprigraha. I asked them both to guess what I coveted. They both answered in unison “Aging”. I was stunned. I thought my energy that I spent in looking as best as I could was something that only affected me. I rationalized my thoughts with my family that I was only trying to model good care for myself.

It turned out that my energy affected everyone around me. That my model of “self-care” was the energy that people knew me by and how people related to me. My daughter went to retrieve a drink for her and me while shopping at Whole Foods. She came back and said they did not have any drinks labeled as having anti-oxidants so she did not know what to get me. I told her she could pick me anything that looked good to her. First she looked at me wearily then lit up and said “really?” Best drink I had in a long time.

My annual visit to my doctor was another example of how my Aprigraha for aging affected my relationships. At the end of my exam, she asked if I had been emotionally feeling alright. I said yes and told her about some of the changes I was making in my life. She told me that I was heavier than I had been in some time and was concerned by my weight gain. I asked how many pounds had I gained? Eight pounds was the answer. I asked if there was a health concern about the weight and she replied, “No, I just had not known you to not be concerned with a weight that high.” She knew me to be concerned with my appearance and my health. Someone I only see once a year, relates to me through that lens because that is the energy I have put out into the world. It was eye opening for me and a little confusing for my doctor. I have told friends of my experiment and have been met in a quick and defensive tone. Most also stated what I had initially to my family, that I was only caring for myself. That I did love myself for taking an active role in controlling my weight, my hair color, my skin, etc. I found myself not engaging in the conversation about me but reflecting that this experiment was for me and was not a comment for others about them. I stopped wearing so much make-up to hide my aging spots and wrinkles. I use a little when I feel like it. I had a friend jokingly ask me if I had started to smoke crack because I was not investing as much time in my appearance like I once had. “ I think I actually look a lot happier,” I told her “my skin is actually clear and healthy looking.” My friend agreed with my own assessment.

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Transformation Through Letting Go: Conclusion

My beginning goal was to practice the mantra, asanas and journal everyday of the experiment process. I completed 80% of that goal. I did find that on days that I did not practice my experiment elements, that I was a little harsher on myself. I did have a stretch of three days without the practice and I was miserable. I am not sure if it was one practice over the others or the combination that gave me the glimpses of change and other possibilities for myself. Further, practice is what I will continue to do. I do know that I am happier, sleep sounder, and have begun to have relationships that are more than “skin deep”.

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