Surrendering Control: What to release

As I sit down to write this paper on the day of my divorce it comes as no surprise to me why I ended up with Ishvarapranidhana as my experiment, though going into it I really wasn’t sure if this was what I needed to do.  Ahimsa (non harming) fit well, so did Aparigraha (non grasping) and as I have come to see several of the Yama’s and Niyama’s kind of work hand in hand. But to put focus back onto Ishvaripranidhan, what was it that I really needed to surrender to God or “let go and let God” as I like to say.  Well let’s just look at this last year.

List of things to surrender to God

– False ideal of family

– Anger towards my now x husband for not putting me and the kids above his need for alcohol

– Feeling that I wasn’t a good mother because I asked for a divorce

– Feeling like I had to control every aspect of my life and getting completely derailed when things didn’t work out as I had planned

– Walls that I have put up to protect myself from ever having to go through the pain that I went through over the last 10 years of marriage

– So to summarize, because this list could go on, it really all boiled down to CONTROL.  I had to be in CONTROL so I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes.  I wasn’t living in the past but I wasn’t letting go of it either, and I was for sure going to MAKE SURE my future didn’t repeat my past mistakes.  This CONTROL has come to rule me and my relationships with my kids, friends, and new lover, and not in a good way.

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Surrendering Control: How to release

Once I came to the realization that I had a lot to let go of, Ishvaripranidhan made much more sense to me.  I decided that a way I could start working on my list was to start a daily Sadhana or meditation practice and log in a journal any jewels that came up, or feelings, or just a summary of that days meditation.  That would help me to calm my mind for at least that part of the day and maybe if I could get it to stop racing on all these things + many more, I could find some release and peace.

So I set out all excited to start that night with my meditation. I bought a new journal just for this meditation, I set up a time right before bed that was my time to meditate and I was off.  Here is the first few logs into my meditation journal:

Day 1

PM Sadhana practice in shower (water always helps me to calm down) was able to relax for 5 min, had feelings of exhaustion, mind wandering and had lack of focus.  Got a brief image of a light beam from the top of my head being covered by darkness, then it jumped to an image of a head tilted back screaming a beam of light into the sky.

What I took from day 1 was a need to find my voice and free it.  I have been holding on for so long that it is screaming to be free.  But How?

Day 2

Very tired fell asleep while trying to breath.

Day 3

Got busy with helping the kids with homework and forgot

Day 4

Worked late, maybe night time isn’t a good time for me to do Sadhana

Day 5

Argument with boyfriend consumed my every thought no relaxation today

Day 6

Gong Bath yeah! was able to relax but saw same image of beam of light covered by darkness

So you kind of get the idea that daily meditation at night was not working for me.  Oh what a coincidence I tried to control something and it didn’t work.  Of course not. Why wouldn’t it work for me, because I needed to let go of trying to control everything.  Don’t you just love the universe, it will keep smacking you in the face until you listen, trust me I have the rosy cheeks to prove it.  The only thing I can control is the way I react or respond to things in my life that happen.

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Surrendering Control: Changing methods

So I changed my method.  Now I was just going to try and be more conscience of my reactions.  Change my attitude and my response, change my reality.  And wouldn’t you know I got an opportunity to do that the very next day.

Woke up late at 6:15 instead of 6:00.  15 min not that big of a deal right? Wrong. That 15 min is what makes or breaks my morning. (CONTROL)

Get up in a hurry, through my clothes on, pull my hair back, brush my teeth, startle the kids awake “come on guys I overslept we need to hurry, get up and dressed, we have to go.”

Go and get the dogs to take them out thinking that the kids will get up and dressed while I take the dogs out.  Wrong! Two of the four did what I asked, one got up and got dressed but instead of getting his stuff for school decided that he needed to find a toy, and one didn’t get up.  Blood is now boiling, Ill I needed was for once for them to listen and do what I had asked that’s it and we still could have left on time. AHHHH! The time is now 6:55 and we should have left 10 min ago, one boy is still looking for a toy and the other is trying to walk out the door without his shoes. Oh my God! really! I am going to be so late for work.  So I start panicking. Finally get everyone into the car and we take off. It is now 7:00.  I should be dropping them off right now.  My son looks at me and says “Mom why are you so upset?” I start into a rant of why I just really needed them to listen, now because we were late I didn’t get to make my lunch, I didn’t get my coffee, they were going to have to have pop tarts at the school for breakfast, etc.  And wouldn’t you know I’m in the middle of my rant and I turn down the street and there is construction!  OF COURSE.  My kids start bickering about it was the boys fault that we are late, my daughter starts  yelling at the traffic, and there was my “ah ha” moment.  Look and what my CONTROL or actual LACK OF SELF CONTROL had done.  My bad attitude had now affected and caused my kids to be having a bad day.  It just clicked.   My issues with everything had nothing to do with anyone else but me.  I was creating my reality, and I really didn’t like it.  So I took control of the one thing that I could, MYSELF.  I looked at all the kids and stopped the yelling and bickering.  “Guys it’s not the boys fault that we are late, it’s not the traffic, it’s me.  I woke up late.  I am sorry that I was frustrated, but can we please work together when we do run late, because that would help.”  They all said yes.  The street opened up and we got to the school by 7:10.  Now to get them signed in and leave.  Shouldn’t take that long right?  Being that we had already had a very emotional morning each of my kids decided they needed a long hug and several goodbye’s.  I looked at the clock 7:15.  Well I am going to be late anyway, I can at least give my children what they need to have a good day.  I hugged each of them and told them again that I was sorry for my frustration this morning, I love them very much and hope that they have a great day! I am finally back in the car by 7:20.  It normally takes me 15 to 20 min to get from the school to my work. “Just let it go Terralar, you are never late to work, one time is not going to kill you.”  I took a deep breath and said “I’m done, it’s all yours, I don’t want the control, I know where I want to go but the path is up to you, I will let go and just follow now.”  I leave the school and make it to work by 7:30.  Not one red light, not one car cutting me off, not one bit of traffic. WOW!  What an overwhelming experience of peace.

Over the next few days I had more opportunities to remind myself to just let go.  With each I had to take a step back, breath, and just surrender.  But I have already started to see the benefits of just letting go.

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Surrendering Control: Conclusion

In conclusion:

We don’t have to know everything, sometimes what shapes our future is the journey of the unknown.  It is not to say that we shouldn’t have any idea of what we want or where we want to go and take steps toward that, but we should be able to go with the flow.  Not everything will happen the way we want but there is always a reason.  There is always something that we needed to learn or find understanding in.  Whether we see it and understand it now or 30 yrs from now, just know that there is a reason and maybe find some peace in knowing that.

I didn’t know why I had to be married to an alcoholic, and was very angry for a long time because of it.  But now I see that though that experience was not what I wanted, it was what I needed.  I am very blessed to be on the other side stronger and more resilient then before and I am now grateful for the experience because of what it taught me.  I surrendered my anger and control to God and have now attained a portion of peace I thought unattainable before.

I feel that my experiment was a great success.  Though I did not attain a daily Sadhana practice that I had originally set out to achieve, I do meditate more than before.  I also don’t get as stressed out when I can’t get in done.  And I have achieved a great deal of peace in many aspects of my life by just breathing and surrendering to God.  Let go and let God and ENJOY LIFE!
Namaste

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AHIMSA AHIMSA AHIMSA

Tapping into Ahimsa (the yama, or restraint, of non-violence) in a mantra-like fashion, this student found an almost surprising ability to be present. In this awareness was found the “hidden pockets and places” the ego likes to hide. This experience in an everyday setting revealed the path for further exploration into Yoga’s yamas and niyamas.

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AHIMSA AHIMSA AHIMSA: Finding the Hidden Ego

For a soft-spoken someone who rescues spiders (capturing them and putting them outside instead of squishing them), it was seemingly strange and somewhat confusing as to why I had chosen Ahimsa for my Yama-Niyama experiment. Once in our groups however, the intrinsic appropriateness of this choice became clear, like the color. Let me explain.

Even though I am a particularly considerate and nonviolent person in many regards, put me in a box with a windshield and wheels for any extended length of time, prior to this experiment, and I had this amazing ability to magically transform into a not so adorable monster spewing fourth inane verbal atrocities at other drivers blocking “the flow” of getting from point A to point B as fast as possible. Also, and to my own embarrassment, red lights were even sometimes the recipient of this not so pleasant verbiage. This is not a joke and this experiment came at a good time because this issue was growing out of control due to an increase of driving when not wishing to do so. As our group gathered around and someone mentioned road rage, the light bulb went off. I knew then that was exactly what needed my immediate focus.

For being known as such a calm and quiet person, such harmful words and states of being directed at others once inside an automobile seemed an anomaly. Why the incongruity? In Richard Freeman’s “The Mirror of Yoga” he mentions and brings to light why practicing yoga in all aspects of daily life is necessary. The ego has its hidden pockets and places that it likes to hide. Ahhhh. So that’s what is going on here. The car was most certainly the hiding place my ego had found to dwell. How fitting that I figure this out during an assignment with the intent to bring yoga beyond the mat into daily life.

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AHIMSA AHIMSA AHIMSA: Discovering Awareness

So many interesting discoveries were the result of this focus. The most significant and obvious would be the awareness that was cultivated around my unconscious patterns. Step one: catch the exact moment frustration or impatience made an appearance in the car with me. The very first day of the experiment I was waiting at a green light to turn left. I could go as soon as the three cars at the intersection had passed. The first two cars went by and the third seemed excessively sluggish. In a loud voice I started to whine, “GO” and at the exact moment the toxic ooze spilled from my mouth I remembered the experiment! Shocked at forgetting about it so soon I covered my mouth and whispered a very considerate “please.”

The observations that arose from catching these slips were very informative. First of all, I discovered I was not even that angry with others driving (which is indicative of yelling at inanimate red lights) or even in that much of a rush to get anywhere. I was just in a rush to not be in the car anymore.  I have many reasons and justifications for this, but I figured out that this attitude of resistance is the seed in which the hostility stems. I’m mad that someone is in my way only because they are keeping me in this thing I don’t want to be in longer than I might be if they weren’t in my way. Oh. Okay. It’s almost comical at that point. Once I realized this, the awareness carried me to a calm place beautifully. I was able to focus on my breath, come back to the moment, and stopped striving to get to the destination. I even questioned if I should switch groups to Aparigraha because this non-grasping seemed to be the answer in addition to the Santosha that arose. It was surprisingly easy to switch gears and no longer be affected so negatively by others driving. This shift in perception seemed to also be reflected in my reality. Suddenly people where no longer cutting me off or getting in my way. The observation gave rise to the insight of how much our mental states create the reality we experience.

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AHIMSA AHIMSA AHIMSA: Discovering Being Present

In addition to all of this, perhaps my favorite discovery of the entire experiment came a few weeks into it. It had been going exceptionally well. I would take notice of when it was more challenging, such as the long drive home after work or if I didn’t give myself enough time to get somewhere, but overall the awareness of my conscious states would bring me back to this new found peace while driving. Long distances traveled became my friend instead of my enemy. The few moments I would catch myself getting upset I started saying “Ahimsa, Ahimsa, Ahimsa” almost as its own mantra to remind me to be aware of focusing on behaving in a way that does not harm others or myself. It was all going so well. Then, one day, out of the blue, leaving a restorative yoga class no less, someone pulled out in front of me driving incredibly slowly. Instead of patiently accepting the situation, incessant whining and grumbling begin happening. What? I thought this verbal abusing of the surround air had taken its leave, why was I unnerved with this white sedan suddenly in front of me? Luckily, before it really took root and wrecked the relaxed mood just cultivated, I had the insight to remind myself that now would be an exceptional time to practice my Ahimsa instead of succumbing to annoyance even though it was really tempting to. At first it seemed it would be a difficult task in that moment, however, as soon as I acknowledged I was not present, immediately and with great relief, I suddenly was. This was the great aha moment. There was no struggle, no fight, no trying. All I had to do was simply acknowledge I was not present and I immediately became so. Even though I had previously read that this was possible in a book year’s prior, witnessing this experience first hand, and for myself, was the most profound part of the process for me.

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AHIMSA AHIMSA AHIMSA: Conclusion

Experiment conclusion: successful. Even though it doesn’t end here. I will continue practicing this Ahimsa in other aspects of my life. Also, my curiosity for exploring the other Yama’s and Niyama’s has been heightened due to watching aspects of them weave in and out of this one. As it stands, the first Yama has been explored in a way that has benefited my interior space and anyone else driving in close proximity to me. Whether this seems like a big accomplishment or not, having had a close friend and beautiful human being recently lose her younger brother to an unnecessary road rage accident one year ago, and watching how that grief has turned her life inside out, it is a significant achievement in my eyes to not only honor her essence, but his as well. Even though the idea of non-harming can go so much further beyond the scope of driving, this seemed like a good place to start as the gears continue to turn around this concept.

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Aparigraha – the Practice of Letting Go

This Axis Yoga Teacher Training student shares a personal journey into the yama (restraint) of aparigraha. By weaving together knowledge of various spiritual and daily life practices, the experience continues to ripen and offer the possibility of healing and personal enrichment.

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