Once I came to the realization that I had a lot to let go of, Ishvaripranidhan made much more sense to me. I decided that a way I could start working on my list was to start a daily Sadhana or meditation practice and log in a journal any jewels that came up, or feelings, or just a summary of that days meditation. That would help me to calm my mind for at least that part of the day and maybe if I could get it to stop racing on all these things + many more, I could find some release and peace.
So I set out all excited to start that night with my meditation. I bought a new journal just for this meditation, I set up a time right before bed that was my time to meditate and I was off. Here is the first few logs into my meditation journal:
PM Sadhana practice in shower (water always helps me to calm down) was able to relax for 5 min, had feelings of exhaustion, mind wandering and had lack of focus. Got a brief image of a light beam from the top of my head being covered by darkness, then it jumped to an image of a head tilted back screaming a beam of light into the sky.
What I took from day 1 was a need to find my voice and free it. I have been holding on for so long that it is screaming to be free. But How?
Very tired fell asleep while trying to breath.
Got busy with helping the kids with homework and forgot
Worked late, maybe night time isn’t a good time for me to do Sadhana
Argument with boyfriend consumed my every thought no relaxation today
Gong Bath yeah! was able to relax but saw same image of beam of light covered by darkness
So you kind of get the idea that daily meditation at night was not working for me. Oh what a coincidence I tried to control something and it didn’t work. Of course not. Why wouldn’t it work for me, because I needed to let go of trying to control everything. Don’t you just love the universe, it will keep smacking you in the face until you listen, trust me I have the rosy cheeks to prove it. The only thing I can control is the way I react or respond to things in my life that happen.