As I sit down to write this paper on the day of my divorce it comes as no surprise to me why I ended up with Ishvarapranidhana as my experiment, though going into it I really wasn’t sure if this was what I needed to do. Ahimsa (non harming) fit well, so did Aparigraha (non grasping) and as I have come to see several of the Yama’s and Niyama’s kind of work hand in hand. But to put focus back onto Ishvaripranidhan, what was it that I really needed to surrender to God or “let go and let God” as I like to say. Well let’s just look at this last year.
List of things to surrender to God
– False ideal of family
– Anger towards my now x husband for not putting me and the kids above his need for alcohol
– Feeling that I wasn’t a good mother because I asked for a divorce
– Feeling like I had to control every aspect of my life and getting completely derailed when things didn’t work out as I had planned
– Walls that I have put up to protect myself from ever having to go through the pain that I went through over the last 10 years of marriage
– So to summarize, because this list could go on, it really all boiled down to CONTROL. I had to be in CONTROL so I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes. I wasn’t living in the past but I wasn’t letting go of it either, and I was for sure going to MAKE SURE my future didn’t repeat my past mistakes. This CONTROL has come to rule me and my relationships with my kids, friends, and new lover, and not in a good way.