I consulted Santosh (Axis Yoga intructor) for a mantra that I could recite twice a day. Once before sandhana and once at the time before I retire for the day. I planned to recite the mantra 108 times. Om Namah Shivaya would be the mantra. During my daily asana practice I incorporated heart opening asanas, specifically Ustrasana. And finally, I also would journal my observations.
Chanting the mantra took a slow but steady start. I have never really liked the sound of my voice so I thought that this part would be challenging. I found over time that I did not hear my voice but only the vibrations of the sounds. I felt light. I normally feel heavy in my head and heart region. It is a little hard to explain in words but it seems similar to carrying a heavy weight, all the time. I would finish the mantra and find my sadhana practice easier to settle into and I slept more soundly after the evening chanting. My dreams were not heavy or dark. My husband commented that when he awoke in the morning he would see me smiling as I slept. He told me he could not recall in the 23 years we have been together a time when he has observed that in me while I slept. I felt rested and had more energy.
I started my asana practice with more heart opening poses, especially Ustrasana. I do not fully move into the Ustrasana pose when practicing because of the intense feelings that are brought up. I have in the past gone just far enough to feel the emotions begin to bubble up and then move out of it into Balaasana. So, I dreaded my asana practice knowing where I needed to go. I left the pose towards the end of the practice for two reasons. First, I thought I could “recover” from the pose better in shavasana and second, as stated before I dreaded it. I was determined to stay in the pose five breath cycles the first week and then try to increase breath cycles as the weeks progressed. Most days I was able to keep this commitment to myself. Tears would well up and intense feelings would seem to pool around my heart. Once in shavasana I felt the emotions float away. I did not have any moments of “ah ha” as to the origins of the emotions nor did I come to any conclusions as to how to fix the emotions. I just allowed them to bubble up and let go of them. Sometimes, I would lay in shavasana for 15 minutes. I noticed and wrote in my journal that I would feel light headed and unable to focus for a few moments after an intense practice. As the day progressed, I felt very calm and did not judge myself so harshly.
An unexpected result began to occur. I stopped spending money as much. I realize that last statement may sound strange. When I typically, shop I pick up the things I think my family needs. In the last few weeks, I have not rationalized needing the things that I thought we needed before. I did not initially observe this. My husband did. He called it to my attention one day as we were sitting and chatting about our day. He asked if I was able to find all the things that I need at the stores I frequent because the receipts were less than usual. I answered that I thought so and then we began to discuss what I wasn’t buying and why. I found myself saying” I do not need that particular item” but not knowing exactly why. Perhaps I had been filling a void with stuff. I cannot come to that conclusion with just the data that I have gathered but I do feel there is a correlation.
My relationships with friends and family are not the same. When I began this experiment, I told my daughter and husband about it on the way to dinner. I told them about the yamas and then about Aprigraha. I asked them both to guess what I coveted. They both answered in unison “Aging”. I was stunned. I thought my energy that I spent in looking as best as I could was something that only affected me. I rationalized my thoughts with my family that I was only trying to model good care for myself.
It turned out that my energy affected everyone around me. That my model of “self-care” was the energy that people knew me by and how people related to me. My daughter went to retrieve a drink for her and me while shopping at Whole Foods. She came back and said they did not have any drinks labeled as having anti-oxidants so she did not know what to get me. I told her she could pick me anything that looked good to her. First she looked at me wearily then lit up and said “really?” Best drink I had in a long time.
My annual visit to my doctor was another example of how my Aprigraha for aging affected my relationships. At the end of my exam, she asked if I had been emotionally feeling alright. I said yes and told her about some of the changes I was making in my life. She told me that I was heavier than I had been in some time and was concerned by my weight gain. I asked how many pounds had I gained? Eight pounds was the answer. I asked if there was a health concern about the weight and she replied, “No, I just had not known you to not be concerned with a weight that high.” She knew me to be concerned with my appearance and my health. Someone I only see once a year, relates to me through that lens because that is the energy I have put out into the world. It was eye opening for me and a little confusing for my doctor. I have told friends of my experiment and have been met in a quick and defensive tone. Most also stated what I had initially to my family, that I was only caring for myself. That I did love myself for taking an active role in controlling my weight, my hair color, my skin, etc. I found myself not engaging in the conversation about me but reflecting that this experiment was for me and was not a comment for others about them. I stopped wearing so much make-up to hide my aging spots and wrinkles. I use a little when I feel like it. I had a friend jokingly ask me if I had started to smoke crack because I was not investing as much time in my appearance like I once had. “ I think I actually look a lot happier,” I told her “my skin is actually clear and healthy looking.” My friend agreed with my own assessment.
My beginning goal was to practice the mantra, asanas and journal everyday of the experiment process. I completed 80% of that goal. I did find that on days that I did not practice my experiment elements, that I was a little harsher on myself. I did have a stretch of three days without the practice and I was miserable. I am not sure if it was one practice over the others or the combination that gave me the glimpses of change and other possibilities for myself. Further, practice is what I will continue to do. I do know that I am happier, sleep sounder, and have begun to have relationships that are more than “skin deep”.
Denver’s Axis Yoga teacher training asks students to apply one of the yama’s – or yogic principles – to their lives. This student examines how her attachments to not only material items, but also to people and emotions, effect her. She finds that letting go of physical possessions is one thing, but letting go of emotional attachment to people is far more challenging.
I fought this experiment every inch of the way, whining like a child who doesn’t want to eat her vegetables even though it is good for her. I started thinking about aparigraha and to be quite honest I was a little smug because I had started practicing this yama a few years ago without even realizing it. I had cleaned out my closet, getting rid of things that I didn’t need and have worked on releasing myself from the ideas that I held onto so tightly. I opened my mind and life up to new ideas, which helped me to accept that my old way of thinking wasn’t very healthy for me. Christianity wasn’t benefiting me one bit, it actually made me very discontent. I found Baba Hari Dass’s observation of the three primary expressions of discontentment to resonate with me. I felt anger, deceit, covetousness, jealousy, hate, pride, lust and gluttony because of my attachment to people, things, and ideas (Silence Speaks,122).
One day I decided I didn’t want to feel those things anymore, and I knew what I had been doing for the last couple decades wasn’t working so I read Eckhart Tolle’s book “Awakening to your life’s purpose”. I felt awkward and embarrassed purchasing the book; it was like painting a big scarlet letter on my shirt saying I was a failure or a mental case. I was now reading a self-help book, utter shame enveloped my psyche but then I started reading his book and it made sense to me. My first hurdle was successful and I was excited to learn more about bettering myself. My new view on life was if you want peace, you have to start with yourself. So I tried to break the vicious circles I had created in my life and I struggled with that immensely. However, I found when I went to a yoga class I was more apt to feel more peaceful and project more peace in my actions, so I went every chance I was able.
Like I said, I was pretty smug with myself. I mean I was living with really simple means; I slept on an air mattress and had a folding camping chair as luxury items. I ate on the floor or in my chair and the outside world only came to me via cell phone or internet, which I had to have for my flight attendant job. Everything I owned fit neatly in my little Pontiac. I felt free from clutter and free in general from the attachment those things brought. It was great knowing I could throw everything into my car and just hit the road in a matter of hours, it was an amazingly freeing feeling. Despite all that, I was buying things I didn’t really need. Clothes, shoes, and accessories were a fall back. It made me feel better if I had had a bad day or even better I would just find reasons to shop. I soon realized my problem and didn’t buy anything for about six months. I pushed myself to the extreme opposite, which I don’t recommend. It was difficult but I was strict with myself, I was buying the cheapest of necessities as well. Cheap food, cheap hygiene products, cheap haircuts (big mistake!). I was all about not letting things accumulate and crowd my life. I felt neglected by my own self, I felt sad that I wasn’t allowing myself any luxury. So moderation became my friend after a horrific haircut brought me to tears (attachment to my hair, I know) and my cheap hair products were making my hair fall out and the food I was eating was making my acid reflux flair up, which caused me to lose sleep and be grouchy. Health and quality of life soon moved to the forefront; I bought vitamins, lifted weights, ran, practiced yoga more, and did long hikes in the mountains. I felt better and realized some attachments are okay, my attachment to my body and quality of life was healthy because it helped me be a better person. If I felt good, I was more happy and at peace with myself, which I projected to the world.
I was doing well with most of my attachments but I had not even thought about my attachment to people. I was and still am very attached to people. I am a jealous person and that tends to lead me to hate and anger. Looking back at all of my past relationships, I sheepishly realized it was the reason for most of the arguments and then, inevitably, the breakup. I felt childish and stupid for letting my emotions take complete control of my life. I was insecure and jealousy flared up its nasty head in every relationship I have ever had. I first began working on it a few years back when I stepped back from it and saw it for what it was. Insanity. My mind is making me insane! I felt the blood boil in my veins, I would start shaking uncontrollably, and my heart would pound so furiously that that was the only thing I could hear. BUMPBUMPBUMPBUMPBUMPBUMP wildly screamed in my head and I couldn’t think of anything else but anger and hatred. Once I finally stepped back and took a good, hard look at myself I felt silly. Clarity arose and my mind freed itself from the grasp of my negative emotions. I would love to say that I was completely cured, but I wasn’t and still am not. I still feel a rise in temperature on occasion but nothing like it was. It is still a work in progress but I am also working on trying to see people in a new light, that we are all the same being.
Attachment to people has also made me a prideful person and perhaps fearful in some respects. I concern myself with their well being and don’t want to let them down. I make sure I don’t disappoint them by showing up for them even if it disrupts my own life or isn’t in my best interest. They want me there, I show up. I am reliable and I take great pride in it. I know that sometimes people take advantage of that but I am okay with it because I want to be there for them and it feels like a selfless act, which I suppose makes me feel good about myself. Okay, so it’s probably not a good thing. I suppose I will have to learn how to say no to people, I think that will be a really freeing thing to learn how to do. However, I think I will have to start out really small. I think it will be difficult because I have been the ‘yes’ girl for so long.
I realize now why I didn’t want to start this experiment, I have so many things I need to work on. Even though I don’t have many physical or material attachments any longer, I have a plethora of other attachments I need to work on. However, by becoming aware of them, I am more able to release myself from those attachments. This experiment was incredibly helpful and I will use it as motivation to begin learning how I can become less attached to people
About Us
The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
Today we specialize in grassroots Pay What You Can workshops, accessible retreats and our signature yoga teacher training, for the outlier yogi.
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Denver Yoga Underground Director:
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
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Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave