So my experiment was around developing a consistent meditation practice that I could integrate into my lifestyle. My plan was to set my alarm for five thirty, get out of bed, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, splash cold water on my face, change clothes and then sit for ten to fifteen minutes. For the meditation, I planned to start with some breathing, a mantra, then just sit in silence, and end with gratitude. For these couple of weeks I was able to accomplish all of this except I did not change my clothes. I found I really loved to splash the cold water on my face, I felt so refreshed afterwards. The breathing I did was just full deep breaths visualizing the breath entering and exiting my body. This helped me to come into my body and helped my mind to become present in the moment. I chose two different mantras to use. These mantras are Sanskrit mantras, they are sayings that I had artistically written out and put on my wall. I got these from Charles F. Haanel and they resonate with my being. The first is “I can be what I will to be” and the second is “I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy.” I would say each of these many times and eventually when it felt right I would sit in silence. The goal was to silence my mind, but that is a work in progress for me. Often my mind wanders, but when I become aware of that, I bring my mind back to silence. I would sit for around ten to fifteen minutes. Then I would end with expressions of gratitude. That was my practice for these past weeks and I am happy to say that I did it every single day.
Tag Archive for: meditation
Even though I accomplished practicing every day, it did not come without its struggles. The most notable one being getting up in the morning. I made a point to get to bed earlier but I still struggled. I did fine getting up the first couple of days and then it started getting harder for me. I would wake up tired and I just wanted to stay in bed a little bit longer. The next thing I struggled with was letting go of the “interesting experience” I had experienced previously. I had not only began to expect having those experiences but I wanted to have those experiences. I enjoyed them and had placed some spiritual significance onto them. I worked to let that expectation go because that is not what meditation is about and I don’t want to be attached to it that way. But it is hard for me to let it go because to me those experiences were very enjoyable and a part of me thinks if I do not have those experiences I am not meditating correctly. I do not know why I have that belief but that belief is there. So for this experiment I wanted it to be okay with myself to just sit and be knowing that that was enough. I am still working on that.
When this experiment time was coming to a close I was asking myself what has changed for me and what has improved. At first I could not come up with anything and I felt like a failure. I wanted this to have some tangible significant impact on my life, I wanted some spiritual revelation or epiphany about what to do with my life. Expectation rises its head again. Yesterday I realized that I had become more aware of my being in one aspect and it is something that I am embarrassed of and do not want to admit. I recently became more aware of how I interact with people and distinctly that I sometimes say things that are sharp and not nice. I come off negative without realizing it. When I had this awareness about myself I was confused and embarrassed because this is not how I picture myself in my head. I am this way with my co-workers and my family and I am ashamed of it. So I put a plan in place for me and I recruited the help of my co-workers. I asked them if I said anything negative or not nice if they would call me out on it because for some reason I am not catching it myself. I am thankful that they were all up to the task and understanding. I am doing this so I can become more aware of my actions and words and how they affect people. I do not know if this awareness about myself came out of my meditation or not. But I am thankful to have been given this awareness, as painful as it has been, because I have already felt my personal growth from it.
I plan to continue my morning meditation and have no plans to stop it. I feel that it is so important for me to do. I feel I have barely touched the tip of the iceberg with my practice and I want to develop it much more. But I am glad to have started again and look forward to continued integration into my practice.
We all love the feeling of success. But sometimes it comes in unexpected packages. This Axis Yoga Teacher Training student set out for specific results and felt like a failure when they weren’t achieved. But upon reflection realized very meaningful results were attained in the small changes that were made.
A little less than a week before our experiments were due, my annual depression had passed. Unfortunately, my experiment was a complete miss as a result. I wanted to at least try something else so I could have something to report back on. I was granted an extension so I could try another route.
I wanted it to be simple. I chose to meditate every day. The challenge with this goal, I soon found out was fitting it into my day. I really needed to do in the morning as I live in an apartment and it’s way too noisy in the evenings. This required waking up on time to allow time. I didn’t do it every day like I wanted, but I did meditate more frequently than I ever have before.
Without this experiment I doubt I would have worked up to meditating as much I did, even though it wasn’t every day like I wanted. The quality of my focus during meditation and my ability to sit still during became noticeably better. My patience increased even more at work (yoga teacher training had already helped greatly). This makes me so happy, it also makes me feel powerful as well; that I can control my emotions and reactions. It made me better at my job as a nanny. I had added intention on being as nurturing as possible in every action towards these children. I noticed during this week the kids were so much more affectionate and sweet, which gave me so much joy. I think this was a result of them reacting to my energy and us becoming even closer.
I also noticed at times I would say to myself “this is a situation where I would normally be feeling anxiety, but I’m not.” This is wonderful because, the obvious, no anxiety, but I also was able to be aware of the fact that I wasn’t feeling it. I was able to appreciate the growth that was happening and give myself a mental pat on the back. That is a great feeling.
I really didn’t want to write this paper. Beforehand, I felt like I had failed (I hate that word) not only once, but twice. While writing more and more things came to me that I accomplished during and because of the experiment. Just because they were subtle doesn’t lessen their impact on me (or those around me!) It’s normal to want drastic results and be disappointed when you don’t see them. Although they are small changes, they are very meaningful and I’m filled with gratitude.
As the experiment became more incorporated into my life, I was shocked to see just how many things were showing up on my chart, and I had no clue that so many of my thoughts were attached to needing to achieve an outcome. Many of the first rows, as exemplified in #’s 1 and 2, were filled with simple ideas that I could easily decipher on my own and create affirmations in response. But one of my thoughts had me in a quandary and in need of professional help. I took my body image thought, # 4, and chatted with my therapist about Aparigraha and my experiment. Intrigued, and open to my experiment she helped me achieve a better understanding of the root of my grasping.
After several conversations, guided meditation, and a large dose of self-compassion, I was lead to the discovery that the underlying possession I am attached to is my image itself. As I thought back on my chart and the times that many of these ideas came to me, I realized that most of my “grasping” came to me in the mornings as I lay in bed thinking about my day. Further, that these thoughts were attached to what I hoped to achieve or “show for” at the end of my day. It was true, my need to present an image of “perfection” to myself and to the outside world, had me in its grips. Driven by my ego and underscored by the stories I’ve retold to myself, I felt that by knowing what had me in its grips was exactly what freed me from them.
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The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
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Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave