In recent years, I found myself loading up on a lot of processed foods and diet sodas for periods of time until I would feel awful and sluggish and then I would go through bouts of healthy eating where I would make all of my food at home with no processed or “chemical-ized” foods. This cycle would continuously repeat itself with no rhyme or reason and very little awareness on my part. I knew that this was not healthy nor was the amount of diet soda I was taking in. As my first step in this experiment, I knew I had to cut the diet soda. I had to face the fact that I was addicted to the caffeine and/or chemicals in Diet Coke. I really had no idea how much diet soda I was taking in until I said I was not going to drink it. I sure was surprised when I went through intense caffeine withdrawal. The withdrawal was so severe; I would liken it to quitting smoking. I was not pleasant to be around as friends, co-workers, and studio mates discovered.
Given that I was so agitated from quitting Diet Coke, I knew I had to include coffee and caffeine so I made quitting as many forms of caffeine as possible part of this process. I decided that this would be my second step. I only allowed myself teas and I made sure that the teas I was drinking were either “herbal infusions” that didn’t have tea caffeine or had ginger for the focused feeling I craved from caffeine. This seemed to take a bit of the edge off but the headaches and mood swings were completely unexpected. I replaced my desire for carbonation with flavored seltzer waters that seemed to curb my grumpiness a bit. I also increased my water intake to at least 50 ounces of water a day. As I am not a huge water drinker, I planned on aiming at the 50-ounce mark with the hopes of making it to 100 ounces daily in the next month.
For my third step, I decided to compare the food choices for kapha and the list that was given to me by my doctor and I made up a list of what I could eat. From there, I chose recipes that included those items and set up a diet plan I could follow. Unfortunately, I soon realized that I was rationalizing delays in implementing this new diet. I put myself back a week starting this process because of what I explained away as the agitation from quitting diet sodas and caffeine. After sabotaging this process of my experiment day after day, I decided that I needed some self-reflection to determine why I was throwing up barricades and excuses in this portion of the experiment. After some deep introspection, I realized that I had an inherent opposition to referring to this portion of the experiment as a “diet”, a word I detest. I also fostered a deep-seated justification to eating what I deemed to be comfort, “single girl” food, an interconnected relationship from mindless eating when I was in college and while I was single. I had to change my internal dialogue to view this as a meal plan, not a diet. I also had to challenge my view of processed food as comfort food and try to break the desire to maintain that interconnected relationship I had built.
After this breakthrough, I immediately went to the store to begin this portion of the experiment. While this portion of the process has proven to be the most difficult for me and I haven’t followed the meal plan to the letter, my dietary habits have improved considerably. I had an epiphany once the caffeine withdrawals had ceased that this portion of the process could be just as successful as the first two steps by selecting unhealthy items in my meal repertoire and phasing them out gradually but consciously replacing them with a healthy substitute. I found that giving myself permission to tackle one issue at a time made this experiment easier and more realistic for future maintenance.
I also began abhyanga during this process as step four. I was intrigued by the idea of a daily morning massage because my rational was who wouldn’t want to feel like they started their day with a massage. The first issue I ran into was the smell of the sesame oil that I initially purchased in the cooking oil aisle. There was a burned smell that made this process repellant the first day. I transferred over to the sesame oil in the cosmetic area. It was later suggested to me that I might try cold pressed, unrefined sesame oil but I am waiting until I am done with my current bottle of oil. I am notoriously not a morning person and my sleeping patterns varied widely on any given day. After about a week of step four, I found that I would go to bed early so I could easily get up early to complete the abhyanga and not feel rushed. I also realized that I was waking up more easily (sometimes without the aid of an alarm) and less resentfully. I looked forward each morning and was delighted to engage in this practice. There was a whole ritual of waking up, putting the kettle on, relaxing in bed until the kettle’s light whistle would start and heating the sesame oil. This process was definitely the highlight of my day.
I felt that my experiment was not as concise as I would have ideally hoped but the issues that I addressed in this experiment were items that I had long ignored. I have managed to cut caffeine out entirely of my food intake along with the chemicals I was ingesting from the Diet Coke. My withdrawal symptoms have disappeared and my agitation level has dropped drastically. My water intake has increased to about 50-75 ounces per day. The level of difficulty that I had starting the meal modification step surprised me the most. I couldn’t believe how resentful I was of this portion of the experiment. I feel like my success rate in this area was about 60%-40%. I would like to get it up to Susan’s ideal of 80%-20% and am hopeful that with continued focus, I will be able to achieve this goal. The abhyanga was a smashing success and provided the additional results of smoothing my extremely dry skin, decreasing caffeine withdrawal agitation in the morning, and made waking something to look forward to. My next goal in the continuation of this experiment is twofold. I would like to focus on eating more vegetables and fruits while reducing my bread intake. I would also like to integrate two additional self-care items into my morning routine: tongue scraping and swishing.
Satya, one of the yamas of Yoga, is a self-restraint of truth and honesty. This Axis YTT student simplified an over-booked schedule in order to have the time to look within. By being introspective this student was able to be honest with the Self. By creating stillness, questions that had been avoided through ceaseless action could be addressed.
With the yama/niyama experiment creeping up on me, I was doing my best to figure out what was “wrong” with me so I could come up with a life changing experiment. I wanted to experience something that would unlock the key to my existence and allow me to make major life changes. The only drawback was that I had no clue what I wanted to address. It felt really overwhelming until former students came in to talk about their experiences. Two students spoke about their experiments and their experiences really resonated with me and led me to the satya group. I determined that my satya experiment would be about my willingness to be truthful to myself.
I realized that for the past few years I have been constantly on the go, always doing something, running from one activity to the next with very little time allotted for myself. I continually overloaded myself with obligations to friends, acquaintances, my job, my ceramic studio (something that I love), even obligations to a bucket list I recently started. I was bogged down with so many activities that I agreed to or “needed” to do, I found myself getting stressed and lashing out at others for activities that I volunteered for. I was less effective in these activities and my daily life because I overloaded myself. This was making me extremely unhappy.
My initial observations were that I 1) attempted to please others at my own physical and mental expense, 2) overloaded myself with activities with no time to just be (alone, with myself, with no obligations), and 3) was not comfortable unless I was on the go. My hypothesis in this experiment was that in order to be more honest with myself I needed to:
- Clean up my social media account, cell phone address book, and email account and remove people who I didn’t maintain an honest communicate with. This would have the result of narrowing down the number of people who would be able to ask me to do things.
- Practice 30 minutes of meditation each night before bed, track my meditation with matches, and make notes in journal about any relevant thoughts around the meditation. This would allow me alone, guiltless time where I could just focus on myself.
- Keep a journal on me at all times during the experiment to make any notes during the day that might arise outside of my mediation window. This would allow me to get any “junk” out of my head.
It felt great to give myself permission to follow up with #1 because these were tangible things. The matches gave me some control over #2 except I had hit or miss days with the meditation. I knew that 30 minutes seemed ambitious for my first project but I am still fighting my urge to please in this project. I set up a meditation area in my room. This was another tangible activity so it felt like my time for meditation was “official” which made me feel more devoted to the idea of practice. I could visually control this area with candles, fabric, and a favorite pillow but would get frustrated when my brain wouldn’t calm down.
#3 was difficult because I found that the more I meditated, the more questions I had. My journal is filled with questions that would pop up at the strangest times. This seemed counterintuitive to the idea of meditation quieting the mind. It felt like I had turned a blender on high and this journal was the catchall for thought puree. Some of the questions were related to the study of yoga like “How do I balance satya and ahimsa?” and “Who determines this balance?” Other questions were more personally identified like “Why am I forcing myself to go 1,000 miles a minute?”, “What is something I can do to have some awareness when I am going too fast?”, and “Will these things matter in the future?” Writing these questions down was a way to acknowledge what I had been avoiding by keeping myself busy. While I don’t have the answers for even half of these questions, I have started the process of trying to answer them. Seeing these questions and thoughts in my journal was scary but allowed me to validate these feelings that I’ve suppressed by keeping so busy. It also allowed me to identify that there’s no rush other than my own self-imposed rush and that much of my frustration at the world was really a frustration towards myself directed outward.
After conducting this experiment, I feel like I have started the process of being truthful with myself but that I have only barely scratched the surface. I find that I like giving myself permission to say no or to establish boundaries when it comes to activities. It has made the activities that I have participated in more fulfilling. I am also not agitated during activities that I have consciously and thoughtfully chosen to take part in. I have started keeping track of the activities I am currently engaged in on a calendar so that I can ensure that I have scheduled time for myself and I don’t overbook myself. I have been less irritated at work and more productive because I am focusing on each project fully instead of trying to work on four different things at once. This is not to say that this experiment has been a complete success as I regressed to previous behaviors where I allowed myself to become overloaded at work and at home, resulting in the usual lash out. However, by redirecting myself, continuing my experiment, and following the guidelines I set up, I was able to come back to the path that I was trying to follow on this experiment. I found a great interpretation of satya on the internet as “the Truth which equals love”. I think that this is one of the most important things I’ve discovered in this experiment. Through being truthful with myself, I am loving myself.
About Us
The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
Today we specialize in grassroots Pay What You Can workshops, accessible retreats and our signature yoga teacher training, for the outlier yogi.
Contact Us
Denver Yoga Underground Director:
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave