Through this experiment I have learned to not judge myself so harshly. I have learned that being sober and quiet is good for my mind and my well being. I have had moments of clarity when I can think back to when I started drinking so much and the reason why it became so prevalent in my life. I have learned that drinking was masking feelings, the past and daily obstacles; I drank because I wanted to be numb of it all. Through my pranayama practice I now inhale light and peace and exhale black smoke that consists of the rubbish elements that I need to get rid of in order to cleanse.
Although I feel my tapas experiment was a fail, I am human and I am learning. It is hard giving up all the things that I am used to but it is the change that I want to see in myself. I will make room for my morning practice and stay consistent with my nightly practice. I will keep trying to be a better person, a better yogi and strive to love and help those around me with compassion and understanding.
Each student experiments with yogic principles throughout their journey in the Axis Yoga Teacher Training program. This student found valuable insight and personal progress through the application of the yama (observance), aparigraha (no-harm).
When we were first instructed to select a yama or niyama to cultivate throughout our first experiment, I found myself immediately drawn to the yama aparigraha. Aparigraha is often translated as “non-possessiveness, or refraining from hoarding,” and it involves a letting of greed, attachment, wanting, and the desire to own.[1] For me, this idea of non-possessiveness immediately conjured up images of the popular television show “Hoarders,” where the individuals featured found themselves literally drowning within clutter; their grasp around the material possessions overpowered their life to the point of paralyzation, and their inability to release said clutter lead them to alienation from family and friends. Material possessions can quickly become objects of control—such that we are constantly entrenched in a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentaltiy—and our inability to find release perpetuates a life of suffering.
Yet, to take this experiment deeper than merely cleaning out a closet, I found myself examining the things I have come to grasp tightly. Because aparigraha can also be translated as “non-coveting,” I challenged myself to seriously examine the ways in which I covet, control, and attempt to possess my body and my notions of body image. Like a hoarder, I have recently come to find myself controlled by an obsession with working out. After losing quite a bit of weight through a regimented exercise program, I have found myself enslaved to images on magazine covers, headlines on gossip tabloids, and self-perception of what I see in the mirror: a desire to possess the “perfect” thin body. What began as a kick off to fitness has quickly turned into a governing obsession with weight, clothing sizes, and caloric intake. Like the stars of “Hoarders,” I have found myself controlled by what I covet.
My absence of peace with my “own skin,” coupled with my worries and doubts of how others view my physical body, has lead me astray from the path of understanding who I truly am. I decided for this experiment that I needed to regain footing on that path, and that the best way for me to do this was through consistent sadhana practice, an asana practice that is intentional about quieting my mind’s fluctuations, and a critical examination of why I (and to some extent, my culture) value having an ideal body type. To implement these techniques, I used a mantra for sadhana, a deeper focus on my breath within asana, and conversations with friends (as well as journaling on my reflections) for my critical examination. Each provided valuable insight and progress within my aparigraha journey, and I am excited to share my results with you.
[1] https://singingheartyoga.blogspot.com/2011/02/aparigraha.html
I was given a mantra from the Ganapati Upanishad, “Om Gam Ganapataye Namah.” This mantra, a petition for the removal of obstacles blocking our path to success, is also invoked such that we can merge ourselves within Ganesha’s supreme knowledge and peace.[1] It was recommended that I use a mala to chant this mantra 108 times. At first, I did not understand the significance of this auspicious number—I thought, “Why 108? This seems awfully long and drawn out!” But after research, the significance of 108 repetitions helped to solidify my practice and draw forth meaning. Amongst other reasons, there are said to be 108 earthly desires within mortals, 108 human delusions or forms of ignorance, 108 energy lines converging to form the heart chakra, 108 feelings (with 36 related to the past, 36 to the present, and 36 to the future), 108 stages to the soul, and perhaps 108 paths to God.[2] Grounding myself in a consciousness that will (hopefully) lead to the elimination of duality began to help me understand my lack of true knowledge better. My attachment to my body—and not even just my physical appearance, but my body as a complete whole—proved to be a manifestation of my spiritual ignorance. As Rolf Gates writes in his book, Meditations from the Mat, “The fear that drives us away from ourselves is rooted in our spiritual ignorance—we do not know who we really are. If we did, we would realize that there is nothing to fear. We would know that we are everything we have always hoped we would be but never believed we could be.”[3] My sadhana practice proved to be a great starting point for understanding my connection to the divine; through this connection, I began to appreciate and respect my body rather than view it as inadequate.
[1] https://www.rudraksha-ratna.com/articledt.php?art_id=163
[2] https://swamij.com/108.htm
[3] Gates, p. 148.
Similarly, I was conscious throughout this experiment to remove any competition from my asana practice.[1] Rather than focusing on how amazing virabhadrasana II might make my triceps look if I held it for x number of minutes, I turned my attention to my breath and to the trueness of the postures. Additionally, instead of struggling to tuck my foot into the root of my upper thigh in vrksasana pose, I honored my body by keeping my foot against my shin. For some readers, these modifications would suggest that I never truly grasped the concept of yoga before. After this experiment, I do not think I would rebuke this observation. The competitive culture of corporate gyms taught me that yoga was what the beautiful people did to stay thin, and not the importance of the spiritually where this practice finds its roots.
[1] I have come to realize that I am my own biggest competitor… and yoga is NOT a competitive sport! I idealize the gross manifestation of postures without honoring where I am, in each present moment.
Last, my inquisition into the systemic perpetuations of “thin as beauty” led me to a place of introspection that I didn’t realize I had been avoiding. Many consumers are conscious of the “airbrush techniques” that lead models to thinner bodies and flawless skin, but we (women especially) forget this illusion of perfection when we are consistently surrounded by it in all forms of mass media.[1] For me personally, the perpetuation of thinness seems to have also stemmed from a lack of security in who I am as a person and how that person was in relationship with others. Upon reflection, I have come to see that the beginning of my fitness kick perhaps wasn’t ever purely just for health and wellness, but to make up for a lack of intimacy with a (now ex) partner. I victimized my body for the lack of connection, thinking “If only I was thinner than perhaps he would see me as more desirable.” Through hindsight—and this experiment—I have come to see that the problem was never really my body, but me forgetting who I am (a manifestation of the divine) and what it means to be me.
[1] This is not to say the problem does not effect men/boys as well. From a very young age, boys are taught—through action figures or cartoons—that men are to have bulging muscles. We can see this through the popular “Star Wars” action hero, Hans Solo (for example), who looked like a man of average build in the 1970’s but has suddenly steroid-ed out in his contemporary personification.
Aparigraha, specifically through not coveting an ideal body type, has taught me not to seek my validation within others but to look deep within myself and to understand who and what I truly am. I appreciated the overlap this experiment had with other yamas and niyamas (such as ahimsa, as it took a great deal of energy to not be violent toward myself with my thoughts; santosha, as I learned the importance of being content with my current fitness level—without negating the importance of striving for better health; or saucha, as I found an appreciation for my body through gentle cleansing techniques such as exfoliation) and the ways in which it taught me to prioritize how I spend my energy. Rather than spending all of my time obsessing about how many miles I will have to run to burn off that piece of birthday cake I just enjoyed, I began to consciously retrain my mind to appreciate the adequateness I bring here and now. Additionally, I appreciate that the teachings of yoga are veiled in contemporary society and accessible to those even outside the yoga path. A quote I found myself clinging to (on my long marathon training runs) reads, “It’s very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you will learn that the competition is with the little voice inside you that wants you to quit.” The little voice proves to be the ego, and yoga—specifically through the path of aparigraha and this experiment—continues to lead me the cessation of this mental modification.
As part of the Axis Yoga Teacher Training program, this student chose to experiment with Ishavari Pranidhana (surrender to God). Changes in routing were used in an effort to find a personal definition for God. In doing so, this student was able to experience the presence of a God-Self despite daily obstacles.
I chose this Niyama because I have never been very religious or spiritual. My parents didn’t raise me under any specific religion, although my mother has a meditation practice and a Guru that she follows. I still never found myself that attracted to the aspect of having a God outside of myself. I chose this practice of Surrendering to God because I wanted to know what God meant for me.
My experiment was to do a free writing exercise every morning for Fifteen minutes. Writing without stopping to edit myself, while flowing with whatever thoughts or impressions came up for me about “Surrender to God”. From these writings, I found myself getting insight on how I could live my life more in accordance with my God-Self. I have an easier understanding and access of God when I think of it as a consciousness that is within myself, and within everything in existence. From this perspective, I was able to write about different exercises that would help me to recognize that divinity in myself, others and the world I live in.
I looked at how I spent my time. I started waking up at 5am and incorporated a 2 hour morning routine of Qi Gong(Chinese meditative movements), Neti pot, Pranayama, Meditation, Asana, Yoga Nidra(guided meditation), and Free writing.
I wrote about how expressing myself is an act of channeling my God Self. How writing at my blog on TravisDharma.com is a way to share the lessons that I’ve learned from my God Self. I wrote about how teaching other people yoga and Qi Gong is another way of channeling a higher source. I gave a speech at a Toastmasters meeting and allowing myself to be in that state of peace and harmony while I gave the speech allowed me to flow without having to look at notes. I acknowledged how giving massage is another form of inviting the divine. Listening to their body and allowing my mind to take a back seat as my intuition and divine connection with this being allowed me to facilitate their healing process.
Even though I had such a wonderful morning practice, I still found myself straying in the afternoon and evening, procrastinating and escaping with video games and surfing the internet. One evening I asked myself what I was afraid of. What fear is underneath this procrastination? I found myself fearful of having a successful massage practice, feeling that I wasn’t good enough to be teaching yoga, and that is why I was having difficulty using my time to work on projects that would further my career. I still feel this fear, and one practice that I implemented to help recognize and release these inhibitions was to laugh at my fears. I could feel the fear literally rising in my shoulders, and I’d shake it out and laugh. Laughing at the smaller self that thinks that I’m not good enough, laughing because in truth everything is divinity, and what does it mean to be “not good enough”? That in itself is funny.
Another obstacle that I found to surrendering to God was feeling overwhelmed by my life situation. A couple weeks ago I signed up for the MLBEx(National Massage Exam), and I researched more into what I needed to do to become licensed in Colorado. I was feeling overwhelmed with the fees, applications, marketing fliers, business cards, videos and photos that I need to make in order to become more successful in Breckenridge. I had updated my resume, which looked great, but I was still overwhelmed by all of the possibilities and all of the things that I felt I had to do in order to be successful. Looking at this from my perspective of “Surrending to God”, I changed perspective to what I can do in the present moment. Instead of worrying about everything that I had to do to be prepared to give massage and teach yoga in Breckenridge for ski season, I focused on what do I need to do this week, or this day. The answer is study for the massage exam, brainstorm and write out the projects that I want to accomplish, and focus on the next step that is available to me. Although I still feel overwhelmed, I acknowledge that I will accomplish what I need to, and that God is giving me the time and resources that I need.
Another obstacle that I felt the last couple weeks has been loneliness. My boyfriend has been out of town for work, and social engagements that I’ve planned have fallen through. I moved to Colorado only a month ago, and rediscovering a sense of community takes time for me. By looking at the process of “Surrender to God” I have found that I believe God has been telling me that I need more time for introversion, and that I need more time for reading and writing. The reason the social situations have been canceled is because I need that time for myself. Although my ego tells me that I’ve had enough individual time, I obviously need more time to process the fear and overwhelm that I’ve been feeling.
About Us
The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
Today we specialize in grassroots Pay What You Can workshops, accessible retreats and our signature yoga teacher training, for the outlier yogi.
Contact Us
Denver Yoga Underground Director:
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave