Even though I had such a wonderful morning practice, I still found myself straying in the afternoon and evening, procrastinating and escaping with video games and surfing the internet. One evening I asked myself what I was afraid of. What fear is underneath this procrastination? I found myself fearful of having a successful massage practice, feeling that I wasn’t good enough to be teaching yoga, and that is why I was having difficulty using my time to work on projects that would further my career. I still feel this fear, and one practice that I implemented to help recognize and release these inhibitions was to laugh at my fears. I could feel the fear literally rising in my shoulders, and I’d shake it out and laugh. Laughing at the smaller self that thinks that I’m not good enough, laughing because in truth everything is divinity, and what does it mean to be “not good enough”? That in itself is funny.
Another obstacle that I found to surrendering to God was feeling overwhelmed by my life situation. A couple weeks ago I signed up for the MLBEx(National Massage Exam), and I researched more into what I needed to do to become licensed in Colorado. I was feeling overwhelmed with the fees, applications, marketing fliers, business cards, videos and photos that I need to make in order to become more successful in Breckenridge. I had updated my resume, which looked great, but I was still overwhelmed by all of the possibilities and all of the things that I felt I had to do in order to be successful. Looking at this from my perspective of “Surrending to God”, I changed perspective to what I can do in the present moment. Instead of worrying about everything that I had to do to be prepared to give massage and teach yoga in Breckenridge for ski season, I focused on what do I need to do this week, or this day. The answer is study for the massage exam, brainstorm and write out the projects that I want to accomplish, and focus on the next step that is available to me. Although I still feel overwhelmed, I acknowledge that I will accomplish what I need to, and that God is giving me the time and resources that I need.
Another obstacle that I felt the last couple weeks has been loneliness. My boyfriend has been out of town for work, and social engagements that I’ve planned have fallen through. I moved to Colorado only a month ago, and rediscovering a sense of community takes time for me. By looking at the process of “Surrender to God” I have found that I believe God has been telling me that I need more time for introversion, and that I need more time for reading and writing. The reason the social situations have been canceled is because I need that time for myself. Although my ego tells me that I’ve had enough individual time, I obviously need more time to process the fear and overwhelm that I’ve been feeling.