Chosen Yama: Ahimsa (Non-Violence)
Hypothesis: If I consciously try to avoid being mean to my family, as well as increasing awareness of negative thoughts towards others, I will create a happier home, closer, more trusting relationships, and will feel more at peace within myself.
Experiment: Develop and maintain a seated sadhana practice and, in general, focus on peaceful words and kindness; avoid being reactive, critical and yelling.

I found some inspiration through some research on the topic:

“Ahimsa is not mere negative non-injury. It is positive, cosmic love. It is the development of a mental attitude in which hatred is replaced by love. Ahimsa is true sacrifice. Ahimsa is forgiveness. Ahimsa is Sakti (power). Ahimsa is true strength…
Practice of Ahimsa develops love. Ahimsa is another name for truth or love. Ahimsa is universal love. It is pure love. It is divine Prem. Where there is love, there you will find Ahimsa. Where there is Ahimsa, there you will find love and selfless service. They all go together…
The power of Ahimsa is greater than the power of the intellect. It is easy to develop the intellect, but it is difficult to purify and develop the heart. The practice of Ahimsa develops the heart in a wonderful manner….

Ahimsa is soul-force. Hate melts in the presence of love. Hate dissolves in the presence of Ahimsa. There is no power greater than Ahimsa. The practice of Ahimsa develops will-power to a considerable degree. The practice of Ahimsa will make you fearless. He who practices Ahimsa with real faith, can move the whole world, can tame wild animals, can win the hearts of all, and can subdue his enemies. He can do and undo things. The power of Ahimsa is infinitely more wonderful and subtler than electricity or magnetism….
~ Sri Swami Sivananda

In our group, we noticed that Ahimsa is the first of the yamas to be discussed or written about. I learned that this is no coincidence, of course. Ahimsa is the first and foremost, all-important Yama for an aspiring yogi(ni):

“There is a deliberate order in the five yamas. Ahimsa (non-violence) comes first because one must remove one’s brutal nature first. One must become non-violent and develop cosmic love. Only then does one become fit for the practice of yoga.” ~Yoga Magazine, in an article entitled Yama & Niyama: The Path of Ethical Discipline, January 2009.

As I read this, I repeated in my mind, “Brutal nature;” another article referred to “beastly nature.” Definitely not adjectives I am hoping to personify.

In other areas of my life, I feel I fall in line with Ahimsa pretty well: I like to be a friendly, supportive and a patient listener to people, friends, co-workers, etc. I advocate for children in my work in Montessori Education. We are mostly vegetarian, although we maybe should consider giving up fish (and eggs). I am vehemently against war; my dad was a draft-dodger in the Viet-Nam days, and indoctrinated me with pacifistic, humanistic ideals. I struggle with raising a boy in a violent society and cringe when he wants or plays with a toy gun. Actually, I remember being quite vocal with my husband about keeping these toys out of our house and not in a kind, gentle way. I detest the whole concept of hunting and other forms of animal elimination. I don’t kill spiders, but do feel a sense of victory when I kill flies in my kitchen in the summer and welcome the first frost to kill them for me.

So, clearly, my close personal relationships are where I have fallen short of Ahimsa. I was motivated by talking about it in the group and making a real, measurable goal of it. This felt different than my previous empty promises, which included no timeframe or actual plan.

I began a seated meditation practice, since I’m hearing that this is the cure-all for everything, whereby I walk to the Krishna Temple at my lunch hour daily and sit in the temple room for about 15 minutes. I focus on breathing and sometimes a word or two like kindness, peace, etc. “Ahimsa” makes an okay mental mantra also. I have looked forward to and enjoyed this time. My next goal is to bring the practice home, literally, by finding a place and time to meditate on my own time and in my own space. This may be more challenging at first, for the obvious reasons, but if it is as enlightening as we are learning it is, why wouldn’t I?

I’ve also made mental notes, throughout the days, reminding myself of my desire to be sweet to everyone, especially my family. I didn’t tell anyone about my experiment, but I have noticed a better rapport with them. During the first week sometime, I said something to my husband to which he became very defensive. It wasn’t about him, it was about our new puppy needing formal training, which for some reason he took very personally. He raised his voice at me in defense. (Like I said, I take partial credit for making it “normal” to speak unkindly in our home and there it was, a perfect example.) I stayed calm and told him that he didn’t need to yell. I stayed true to myself, did not react harshly, or take the discussion to the next level of argument. He came to me shortly after to apologize. Hmm, the power of ahimsa at work! I told him that I had made a goal of being more gentle with my words to him and my mom. He said he had noticed. I still didn’t go into the entire Yama explanation, but I’m sure I may at some point. We both have to remind ourselves to say all things in constructive ways and refrain from sarcasm.

Kaiden, lately, has taken more strength to deal with in a kind way than the adults. He is in a phase of testing limits, and is also extremely bright, so when he is pushing buttons that we are asking him not to push, it can feel very challenging to keep it soft and supportive.

My mom and I have done pretty well. In my own defense, she is a difficult person to get along with. All the more reason to shower her with love, I’m sure. She can be very loving, supportive and sensitive on occasion, but often she is very self-centered, constantly shares her misery with us family, even though we prefer not to listen. She could really use to talk about a lot of her personal struggle, but her choice is to dump, repeatedly, on those closest to her. Her personal form of himsa, I suppose. My resentment for her has grown over time, out of my wish for a more helpful, maternal mother. She’s given me countless gifts of the non-material variety, but selfless service is not at the top. However, I know that our time together is limited (in the sense that all our time is) and that I will feel happier overall, and in the end, if I can exude warmth and love toward her as much as possible, even if that means less interaction much of the time. I have really been making it a point just to tell her I love her and to hold off on judging her every word, even when her words are redundantly pessimistic.

Axis Yoga Teacher Training students participate in experiments as part of their certification. For this student, the process of experimenting led to personal insights and started a chain reaction of revelations. The subject of the experiment, ahimsa (no harm) became a vehicle for a broader lesson of experiencing life.

I decided to use my experiment with the Yama Ahimsa in a self-focused way, rather than establishing my practice in a way that expended effort on the conscious non-harm to others. It felt right to do so for a number of reasons:
• Engaging with the “I” is something I can do at any time so it set wide boundaries for my experiment.
• I tend to self -abuse as a rule rather than an exception. I felt that documenting when I do it and the emotions surrounding it would allow me a greater vision of where my unconscious tendencies eek through my ego self and affect my life and create a place where observation at a minimum and the development of action would happen organically.
• I can assess where I am in a process far easier than I can where assess others/the universe is in relationship to me so finding the best way to engage my life seemed…well…easiest.
• I wanted to do something meaningful, and inwardly focused exploration of ahimsa felt as if it could illuminate powerful pathways to a sense of wholeness of the self.
I found that engaging with the Yama Ahimsa at the self-level was, vexing for me. I love philosophy and tend to get lost in the different avenues that one can take when defining what “I” or “consciousness” means and what that definition means when juxtaposed against an ethical tenet. I spent about a week lost in a rabbit hole trying to define exactly what I was trying to experience. My thought processes went something like this:
I am human. Because I am human I hold all potentialities of “humanness” within me: Good/Evil, Violent/Non-violent etc. I don’t engage these aspects of myself but does simply knowing that they exist in me make practicing Ahimsa moot? I’m already violent because I exist, I just don’t manifest violence., Is Ahimsa simply this? Not manifesting my humanity? But what about wholeness? How can I be whole if I deny part of the self?
Logical vs. Experiential: Outside Input
This kind of circular self discussion continued for days until I engaged in my first “discussion group” which was really myself and a few others drinking red wine and dissecting how/why I was philosophically sabotaging my experiment by thinking too much.
After we all wandered around the warrens of definition and logic of Ahimsa and the Self it was determined that when I am afraid of digging deeper into who “I” am I go to what I know: logic.
My logical self is firm, disallows an idea to flower without understanding how and why and when and where …it is a protective mechanism and after many hours of conversation, we determined it to be a form of self-abuse at the most and self-serving/ego-selfishness at the least. My best friend, a sage and old soul gave me a message that really resonated: “ Dude, you take things too seriously. There is no failure here, just experience it and stop trying to DO it right”. It was really powerful to hear that I can allow myself the experience of my inner world without trying to do it “right”.
Logical vs. Experiential: Self-observations
I kept a journal and a blog throughout this process and doing so helped me look at where my fears manifested the most (Will I like who I am when I begin comparing that person to what Ahimsa means via the Sutras) and how to begin working without having to assuage the “logical self” first (Simply let go). In addition to my journal/blog, I also kept a day planner where I jotted down when negative thoughts arose, what events preceded them and what emotions they brought with them. This bore fruit but I let it go after a while because it felt like it played into my need to collect data in order to move forward. A week of noting my negative thought cycle did provide me with insight into where I channel negative emotions and made my waking self more aware of how to way lay this function…but again…it was a really head based process, not heart based.
I feel as if I made the most forward movement (okay…okay I experienced the most at the heart level instead of the head space) with my meditation practice, engaging the 4 purifications paired with asana practice as something to open rather than as a physical practice in itself. Richard Freeman in The Mirror of Yoga (2010) notes, “ The nature of all practice-asana, pranayama, meditation, or the study of philosophy-is that of framing and reframing” (p.29). I found via my meditation, pranayama and asana practice I was able (am able) to reframe how I experience the meaning of Ahimsa. Rather than allowing it to settle in my logical mind, I stopped trying to explore what the concept meant and began to work with how it felt in my body or as point of singular focus during meditation practice. Ahimsa became a felt experience instead of a term that required definition. The more I practice with a boundless concept of love/non-harm as the intention for my action, the more I find peace and a growing ability to move “into” the experience of it. In essence I stopped taking it so seriously per my friends instruction.
Logical vs. Experiential: Conclusion
So at this juncture, what does the experience of Ahimsa in my life mean to me? Honestly, it means forward movement. Nurturing the physical/non logical aspect of my practice created an opening. Through this space, one grain of sand tumbled, end over end into my life, bringing with it awareness of different aspects of myself. A new way to experience the world that does not ask for definition or knowledge of self or really anything save for space to experience the vastness of the self and all the layers held therein. So. As I continue I assume that there will be another click, another grain of awareness, then another and another ad infinitum. Did I learn how self-love/ non-violence applies to me? Sure…but it feels as if the Yama is the vehicle for a series of deeper lessons pertaining to the engagement an acceptance of the true self. Loving in an all-encompassing way seems…simple when compared to developing a relationship with myself that allows for feeling with intention but without boundaries… Feeling without the fear of failure.
Typing this up, I found myself caught up in this “ Am I doing it right?” cycle. It freaked me out because I created this pressure to “make the grade” or however that translates to a paper about the experiential world of ethical yogic principals. After sitting with it awhile I decided that I could have written nothing if it suited me, or copied pages from Crime and Punishment, or drawn a picture of a bunny riding a unicorn across a rainbow… or baked cookies. It is the experience of looking at my life in a different light that matters. Not the words describing the experience. I’ m relatively sure if I walked in with cookies and stated that I found Ahimsa via said cookie…it would have been met with appreciation and support. Because who’s to say that a cookie can’t be my experience of self-love and non-violence or my objective experience of it. These objects serve only as a way to mark growth and self understanding and I appreciate and honour the fact that I am able to do both, despite my logical fight against myself to do it freely.