What started off as a simple experiment for a class has turned into healing. When presented with this idea of choosing a “yama” and “niyama” to see if I’d notice any changes/differences/movement the concept was exciting, mostly because I like projects and enjoy a challenge. Ultimately, I chose to take on aparigraha (non-hoarding) as my yama and sauca (cleanliness) as my niyama. I recall choosing aparigraha because I immediately identified non-hoarding as something tangible, as in having a garage or closets full of unused stuff. Of course it made the most sense to choose this for me because, well, spring cleaning was right around the corner anyhow and what a fabulous way to get a jump start, right? Then it came time to choose a niyama and while I like a challenge, the crunch with work and taking this course was a challenge in and of itself through time alone, so I chose what seemed to go hand in hand – non-hoarding and cleanliness. Initially, I thought aparigraha would help me rid of crap in my closets and by choosing sauca, I’d keep them clean; and I would feel better, my home would be cleaner, I would be happier, and so would my family. I found journaling to be the most useful to record any changes, differences, or movement. The journey:
Tag Archive for: Niyama
During week one I turned grumpy and I suspect it was due to the fact that I was going to need to make movement in a way that I knew would nudge me to think of stuff I’ve hoarded physically and/or emotionally. I had planned to do the smaller closets with all the coats and towels. However, what I wound up doing was finish painting the trim in the house because in November of 2010 we did some renovations to our home and the trim was the very last of that long overdue list of things to complete and these “to do items” had been gnawing at me since and also because once I chose to clean out the big closet with all the old college papers and stuff that I had accumulated throughout the years I began to feel anxious. What it all boiled down to: I was avoiding.
In week two I mustered up enough energy to tackle the closet. I wound up having two great big bins and two rather large boxes full of old college papers and notebooks. I held on to every single piece of paper through bachelor’s and master’s degrees. I found the task to be tedious and daunting. It was an all day project and by day’s end I was exhausted and relieved. I had done plenty of reflection in my life to know that the reason I held on to all those papers was because I had a profound incident occur when I was a fifth grader. Ms. Elder, who was my teacher at the time, had told me that college was “not a place for young ladies like [me].” This response followed a question I had for her which was, “What is college?” At the time I was growing up in a ghetto in southern California and she was working in it so perhaps it was the only response she knew to give. It was the height of the gang wars and not a lot of hope was had in the community as drugging and thieving were the norm. In retrospect, I see why she said what she said but I held onto it for so long (in a negative way). She was the first person I thought of the first time I ever stepped foot on a college campus and for many years her words were part of my impetus to “get out.” After the ridding of the bins and boxes, I thank her.
In week three and week four, I’ve made a complete spring cleaning check list and have chipped away at it. Now granted I’ve hired someone (a young mother with a baby and a need for diaper money) to help with some of it and it seems like movement in a good way is happening. I’m able to sit content with the way our home looks and knowing that when I open my closets I will no longer find myself in a rush to close them. More importantly my body does not get heated when I think of Ms. Elder. I’ve forgiven her and myself. I think it was time, twenty-six years of holding onto all of that energy was long.
Since the cleaning out of things it my world seems a bit less stuffy. My body feels lighter. My energy is greater and my outlook is positive. While it has not been a complete transformation of any kind, it has certainly challenged me to look at some things that needed not linger any longer. My heart doesn’t feel so compressed and my space is clean!
Sauca continues to be that idea that encourages me to maintain my space, my body, and my heart. The other day I realized that my car was a disaster and so I made it a point to clean it out because my normal and natural is to put things off until the eleventh hour. However, that is my whole point of this experiment and the manner in which it has impacted me: what was once a mere thought of doing something or making movement in one direction has turned into action. This path of yoga is an awesome way of life. I’ve always been a gentle spirit; I just didn’t always conduct myself in a way that exemplified that. Sometimes my roots have a tendency to make their appearance known and yoga has been a great guide to remind me that as a human being, I’m responsible for what shines through in my canopy; this week it’s forgiveness.
Axis Yoga Teacher Training students strengthen their knowledge of the yamas (restraints) and niyamas (observances) by choosing one of each to experiment with in their own lives. By focusing satya (truthfulness) and tapas (austerity) to a very specific area of his life, this student found the benefits of taking control of how other people’s actions affect him.
We all like to believe that we are truthful. However, there are countless facets to this precept. I narrowed my study to the aspect of being honest, or true to myself. Then narrowed it even further to an aspect of my life that I have struggled with for years: my job. In my job I am faced with multitudes of situations that I am personally and ethically opposed to on a very deep level. These situations ultimately make me feel like I am not living my truth. I work in a hospital, in direct care with patients…people. I work alongside doctors, nurses, case managers, therapists, and numerous other staff members responsible for some level of patient care. On any given day, I would literally run out of fingers to count how many negative, speculative, ignorant, and sometimes simply cruel comments I hear regarding patients…people. They are usually centered around the “choices” that a patient has made in their life that has led them to the sad destiny of needing medical attention. Often, the favorite subjects of these commentaries are: 1) alcoholics and drug addicts, 2).psychiatric patients, and 3) bariatric, or very overweight, patients. The commentaries often include a statement like, “How could anybody ever ______!” I’ve even heard such blatantly cruel statements as, “What an idiot.” This was a comment from a doctor regarding an alcoholic. Another comment, “How stupid…” was from another doctor, regarding a 23 year-old who nearly overdosed on prescription pain medicine. I have actually heard a nurse refer to an overweight woman as “disgusting”. She was not referring to something that came out of the patient, but the actual person. Over the years, I have become somewhat desensitized to this type of banter among so-called professionals, simply because it is so prevalent. However, I am still amazed and appalled at the complete lack of compassion from healthcare professionals who are trained and paid to care for others. As much as I love certain aspects of my work, I am deeply affected by this overt dispassion for humanity. It leaves me feeling as though I am being untrue to myself, to allow myself to work in this climate everyday. It also leaves me questioning humanity, itself.
I chose Tapas as my Niyama. I have seen Tapas defined as, “passion, or zeal for yoga”. I practiced sadhana every day for 15-45 minutes – first, pranayama, then meditation. I also practiced asana, when I had the time. I diligently got up between 4:30 and 5:00am on work days, around 6:00am on non-work days. I practiced before sunrise, while my space was still relatively silent.
I noticed immediately that I was able to disengage, personally and emotionally, from these situations. It was as though I was a passive observer in a protective “bubble”, not allowing the emotionality of the situation to affect me. It may seem as though I was becoming dispassionate, but that was not the case. I was able to observe the situation without allowing it to enter into my being. It was still just as disturbing, but I did not internalize it and carry it with me. I was able to disengage both passively and actively, especially when a co-worker would deliberately try to engage me in a conversation about a patient that was not pertinent to my direct involvement in that patient’s care. Frequently someone would even start talking to me about a patient whom I did not even know. In these situations, instead of engaging in the conversation, or even listening, I would consciously and graciously excuse myself and walk away. This process seemed to happen organically. I did not have a plan or intention for how it was going to unfold. It was amazing! It was as though I had discovered some beautiful secret that had lay dormant in me for years!
I have noticed a remarkable shift in both my attitude and energy at work. Where I used to leave work virtually every day emotionally drained, I now feel like I have my emotions and my energy intact when I walk out the door. Where I’ve thought that it was my patients who were sapping my prana, it turns out it is my co-workers. I realize that, although I cannot change how other people think, act or speak, I can change how I allow it to affect me.
Axis Yoga encourages its teacher training students to understand yoga’s yamas (restraints) and niyamas (observances) through real-life application. This student explores the application of Brahmacharya (continence) in the modern American world and how it applies to his individual situation. He also finds greater overall connection of body and mind through his focus on Santosha (contentment).
The yama of Brahmacharaya, what might be called celibacy in traditional interpretations is more than just celibacy of the body, but of the mind. To be celibate from sexual thoughts, and to control oneself in a way that allows for one’s own potency to grow.
In the modern day American’s life Brahmacharaya for many is a foreign concept and nearly unachievable short of becoming a hermit. If not because many are in a relationship and sex is a distinct portion of that relationship (taken that edge because there are fewer consequences of safe casual sex in these modern times), then because we are bombarded in our daily life by sexual images, innuendos, porn, and alike which focus our mind on the external body of humanity. To walk out the door in modern America is to engage in sexual thoughts, to be brought up in America is often to have a bi-polar view of sex. I have found that my own American sexual upbringing has been something I’ve had to struggle to overcome.
Having just lived in Eastern Africa for a time, where HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted disease are a continuing part of daily life in terms of political policy, expression within church and culture, work within the healthcare community, etc I believe it’s essential not to become that hermit. To hold a conversation lucidly and frankly about sex and it’s part of human nature is necessary if one is to be a honest, engaged, and enlighten being.
In this we must adapt to the new environs and so I see the heart of the traditional Brahmacharaya view as rather dogmatic and unachievable within my existence. I am not in a relationship and haven’t had sex in several months and I feel sex should be accepted as part of our nature not bottled and pushed away.
With that said, the notion of purifying myself from daily vritti is a goal that could also help one to “attain power.” To this end I see my experiment as being my trial of yoga as part of my therapy to my clinical depression.
Approximately 4 months ago I started daily yoga practice in order to help engaged a more balance life, one to which I can live with my depressive cycle in the wilds outside of the medicated west. Intentionally and organically I’ve changed my lifestyle to adapt to a lifestyle of daily yoga. Coffee, which was a lately acquired taste has had to be all but given up. Although some how the idea of a coffee shop crowd and a yoga studio crowd seem to be similar, the notion of doing yoga whilst on an Ethiopian coffee, or personal double tall soy latte, is… shall we say a caffeine fueled state of injury. Food in my life has had to adapt generally. Fewer meals over all, but more balanced and focused on muscle recovery and mental balance. Drinking alcohol too has all but had to be given up due to how much it tends to screw with the ability to focus during the day after. As much as Denver’s micro-brews call, it been out weight by a desire for clean, focused, engaged practice. Sleep has become more regular, television/movies and the desire to watch them has lapsed. The daily vritti has organically evaporated to a much more tolerable rate, and not by force of rational will, but by connecting with my body.
In this the niyama of Santosha has also become a part of my life organically by connecting my body with my mind. I have become more content with being myself more balanced. I might add that for me, being a very rational and cerebral being, I struggle with using willpower to engage in enlightenment.
Having found myself with a biological predisposition towards depression, one to which I am unable to fully control with willpower or by thinking my way out of it, I have begun to doubt the usefulness of using willpower in all situations.
In this way I find my achievement over the last several months of becoming more balanced without force of mind, willpower, or trying to think my way out to be an amazing achievement. One that has allowed me to be more content with my life. The sheer desire to connect more fully with my body (and to my mind, and to god) has driven this change and allowed me to be both more content with my own failings, as well as overcome them to some degree.
The self-examination that is encouraged by the Axis Yoga Teacher Training program can result in significant life changes. Through her Yama (restraint) and Niyama (observance) experiment, this student came to some profound conclusions that are now shaping her new path.
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The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
Today we specialize in grassroots Pay What You Can workshops, accessible retreats and our signature yoga teacher training, for the outlier yogi.
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Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave