Being new to yoga, and I mean really new; only having practiced for a year and very inconsistently. I decided to go into Axis’s yoga teacher training program as a self-practice in hopes of it leading into a career change. I am seeking change in myself. I am seeking clarity and balance in my life. So, having the option to choose my first experiment I was immediately drawn to Tapas.
Tapasya in Sandskrit means “to burn”. My understandings for this particular Niyama in which I have chosen to experiment with was to observe habitual patterns in within myself and in my life that are not healthy, acknowledge them and change them. Burn them off. And/or restraining from these said desires will create a heat that I then must release through some yogic practice.
My tapas for many years has been drinking, partying and “following the crowd” so to speak. I never really had any self discipline, no regular bed-time; no particular guidance in my eating habits only the whole no carbs thing because you HAVE to be skinny in the entertainment world. I worked out to be fit, but only to fit in. I worked very hard in the production field but when it came down to knowing me and who I really was, I had done no work at all. I have been, for years so caught up in the social crowd, I was portraying this image of myself but underneath I had no foundation. As time went on I started to realize how vain and ugly the industry really was and most of all I was becoming one of “them”. I made the first conscious decision that I had made in a long time, and decided to take some time off. Being out of the industry for a full year now, I have moved around quite a bit trying to “find” clarity but instead….I partied! I thought “I can party, it’s not like I have a 7am call time, it’s not like I have to workout to be skinny any more, or eat healthy to be skinny anymore”. This wasn’t the soul searching I set out for. So, for my tapas I have decided to give up alcohol, partying, caffeine and red meat.
Refraining from all the things that have lead me into an unhealthy life style I decided to counter act with a morning routine; a fifteen minute asana practice, followed by fifteen minutes of pranayama (usually the eight Kriyas or a few variations) and fifteen minutes of meditation. My nightly routine would consist of fifteen minutes of meditation and nadi-sodinah before bed, followed by five minutes of belly breathing for cooling.

By the following Sunday I was confused. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be feeling or thinking. I hadn’t had any “aha moments”. I didn’t feel enlightened or powerful. I felt…normal-ish. I think I let the doubt take over and by Tuesday I hadn’t done my morning asana in three days. My mind became overwhelmed with daily stuff like getting to the bank and finding a place to live. I made excuses in my head, “oh well this is the only day to go to the bank and you can do it for thirty minutes tomorrow”. I was craving chocolate and Starburst and cupcakes. Wednesday, thirteen days after not drinking, no caffeine, no red meat or going out I said to myself “ you deserve a drink, you haven’t had one in thirteen days and well work is hard and you had a bad week with the bank and three doubles at work”. I did, I sat at the bar after work and I had two beers and two shots. FAIL! I felt like crap in the morning, I didn’t do my morning practice yet again. “This is what I’m talking about Hannah. What is it worth? Did you really have THAT much fun?” I thought to myself. The answer is NO.
I hadn’t done asana consistently and I had a night of drinking, I obviously am not doing this experiment to the best of my ability. Since that night I have had plenty more excuses not do my daily practice, and you know what they say about excuses?

Of all of the emotions and changes that silence brought me, the one most pressed upon me is the feeling of thankfulness. I feel as though I was able to gain insight in to myself, into those around me and also the people I come in contact with everyday. I worked to listen. To understand the things that weren’t said. To give the people I was in contact with my full, undivided attention. It was pretty incredible feeling. They noticed, too. I was more present, alert and in tune with them.

Using the idea of silence will continue to be influential in my journey towards helping others through yoga. Being present in the moment and hearing where my students are coming from will help me to tailor their experiences in my classes or in private instruction. I’m incredibly excited to see the lasting effects of this experiment throughout the journey I’ve started. It will benefit me as well as my students, fellow classmates in training and my family.

It seems to me from talking with classmates, that this experiment impresses upon us a feeling of renewal. There’s something magical about bettering yourself. It seems like a common thread between all of the experiments, no matter the group, that they’re life changing and they turn out differently (and better) than we’d originally planned or thought. It’s truly been a life changing two-and-a-half weeks. I know I’ll continually reflect on this time as one where I gained insight into myself and those around me.