Tag Archive for: Niyama

Surrendering Control: What to release

As I sit down to write this paper on the day of my divorce it comes as no surprise to me why I ended up with Ishvarapranidhana as my experiment, though going into it I really wasn’t sure if this was what I needed to do.  Ahimsa (non harming) fit well, so did Aparigraha (non grasping) and as I have come to see several of the Yama’s and Niyama’s kind of work hand in hand. But to put focus back onto Ishvaripranidhan, what was it that I really needed to surrender to God or “let go and let God” as I like to say.  Well let’s just look at this last year.

List of things to surrender to God

– False ideal of family

– Anger towards my now x husband for not putting me and the kids above his need for alcohol

– Feeling that I wasn’t a good mother because I asked for a divorce

– Feeling like I had to control every aspect of my life and getting completely derailed when things didn’t work out as I had planned

– Walls that I have put up to protect myself from ever having to go through the pain that I went through over the last 10 years of marriage

– So to summarize, because this list could go on, it really all boiled down to CONTROL.  I had to be in CONTROL so I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes.  I wasn’t living in the past but I wasn’t letting go of it either, and I was for sure going to MAKE SURE my future didn’t repeat my past mistakes.  This CONTROL has come to rule me and my relationships with my kids, friends, and new lover, and not in a good way.

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Surrendering Control: Changing methods

So I changed my method.  Now I was just going to try and be more conscience of my reactions.  Change my attitude and my response, change my reality.  And wouldn’t you know I got an opportunity to do that the very next day.

Woke up late at 6:15 instead of 6:00.  15 min not that big of a deal right? Wrong. That 15 min is what makes or breaks my morning. (CONTROL)

Get up in a hurry, through my clothes on, pull my hair back, brush my teeth, startle the kids awake “come on guys I overslept we need to hurry, get up and dressed, we have to go.”

Go and get the dogs to take them out thinking that the kids will get up and dressed while I take the dogs out.  Wrong! Two of the four did what I asked, one got up and got dressed but instead of getting his stuff for school decided that he needed to find a toy, and one didn’t get up.  Blood is now boiling, Ill I needed was for once for them to listen and do what I had asked that’s it and we still could have left on time. AHHHH! The time is now 6:55 and we should have left 10 min ago, one boy is still looking for a toy and the other is trying to walk out the door without his shoes. Oh my God! really! I am going to be so late for work.  So I start panicking. Finally get everyone into the car and we take off. It is now 7:00.  I should be dropping them off right now.  My son looks at me and says “Mom why are you so upset?” I start into a rant of why I just really needed them to listen, now because we were late I didn’t get to make my lunch, I didn’t get my coffee, they were going to have to have pop tarts at the school for breakfast, etc.  And wouldn’t you know I’m in the middle of my rant and I turn down the street and there is construction!  OF COURSE.  My kids start bickering about it was the boys fault that we are late, my daughter starts  yelling at the traffic, and there was my “ah ha” moment.  Look and what my CONTROL or actual LACK OF SELF CONTROL had done.  My bad attitude had now affected and caused my kids to be having a bad day.  It just clicked.   My issues with everything had nothing to do with anyone else but me.  I was creating my reality, and I really didn’t like it.  So I took control of the one thing that I could, MYSELF.  I looked at all the kids and stopped the yelling and bickering.  “Guys it’s not the boys fault that we are late, it’s not the traffic, it’s me.  I woke up late.  I am sorry that I was frustrated, but can we please work together when we do run late, because that would help.”  They all said yes.  The street opened up and we got to the school by 7:10.  Now to get them signed in and leave.  Shouldn’t take that long right?  Being that we had already had a very emotional morning each of my kids decided they needed a long hug and several goodbye’s.  I looked at the clock 7:15.  Well I am going to be late anyway, I can at least give my children what they need to have a good day.  I hugged each of them and told them again that I was sorry for my frustration this morning, I love them very much and hope that they have a great day! I am finally back in the car by 7:20.  It normally takes me 15 to 20 min to get from the school to my work. “Just let it go Terralar, you are never late to work, one time is not going to kill you.”  I took a deep breath and said “I’m done, it’s all yours, I don’t want the control, I know where I want to go but the path is up to you, I will let go and just follow now.”  I leave the school and make it to work by 7:30.  Not one red light, not one car cutting me off, not one bit of traffic. WOW!  What an overwhelming experience of peace.

Over the next few days I had more opportunities to remind myself to just let go.  With each I had to take a step back, breath, and just surrender.  But I have already started to see the benefits of just letting go.

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Surrendering Control: Conclusion

In conclusion:

We don’t have to know everything, sometimes what shapes our future is the journey of the unknown.  It is not to say that we shouldn’t have any idea of what we want or where we want to go and take steps toward that, but we should be able to go with the flow.  Not everything will happen the way we want but there is always a reason.  There is always something that we needed to learn or find understanding in.  Whether we see it and understand it now or 30 yrs from now, just know that there is a reason and maybe find some peace in knowing that.

I didn’t know why I had to be married to an alcoholic, and was very angry for a long time because of it.  But now I see that though that experience was not what I wanted, it was what I needed.  I am very blessed to be on the other side stronger and more resilient then before and I am now grateful for the experience because of what it taught me.  I surrendered my anger and control to God and have now attained a portion of peace I thought unattainable before.

I feel that my experiment was a great success.  Though I did not attain a daily Sadhana practice that I had originally set out to achieve, I do meditate more than before.  I also don’t get as stressed out when I can’t get in done.  And I have achieved a great deal of peace in many aspects of my life by just breathing and surrendering to God.  Let go and let God and ENJOY LIFE!
Namaste

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Finding the Breath

In an experiment on the niyama (yogic observance), tapas (austerity), this Axis Yoga Teacher Training student found transformation. This student used the power of Yoga to move from “stressed, anxious and drowsy to refreshed, grounded, and calm.”

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Finding the Breath: Before Tapas

One month ago I was living an unsustainable lifestyle. I awoke feeling exhausted, often hitting the snooze button “just one more time” two or three times in a row. Then, finally coming to, I would stumble to the kitchen to make coffee. At the end of the first cup of coffee, I could feel my eyes opening but by the end of the third cup, I felt exhausted again. That was my daily ritual, my previous attempt at sadhana.

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Finding the Breath: Why Tapas

I began this experiment because I was drawn to the word tapas and the concept that heat could somehow change deeply rooted habits, samskaras. As I puzzled over this complex philosophy in the weeks leading up to the experiment, I found myself unable to understand the correlation between a word meaning heat and the concept of austerity. I devoted myself to try and crack the meaning behind this elusive term by committing to remove mind-altering substances (caffeine, alcohol, sugar, etc) from my life.

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Finding the Breath: Applying Tapas

When I committed to remove caffeine, alcohol and sugar from my diet, I knew that I would need to fill the emotional and habitual void with a new practice. Thus I began practicing the four purifications, a pranayama breathing practice, followed by a period of meditation every morning. This new ritual quickly became one of the best parts of my day. I started creating a rigid sleep schedule for myself based on my Ayurvedic body type and found that I was energetic when I woke up and began to prepare for meditation. That was a real novelty compared to the groggy hour or two I had been accustomed to before.

As time went on I continued my morning practice, I found that my energy would vary dramatically from day to say. Some days I would experience a surge of energy through my subtle body channels, nadis, and could even feel great light pouring from my body. Whereas other days, I felt like a lawnmower engine that would almost start, but finally after much effort just wouldn’t turn over. As the days went on and I eased into meditative reflection, I could see some of my patterns emerging from the background of “life as I knew it” and could see how they impacted my energy. The day after eating a spicy, greasy enchilada, I felt weak. After a poor night of sleep, I couldn’t get my mind to stop humming. I was beginning to see, through the mirror of my breath, the impact that these “non-incidents” were having on my energy for life. On days where my energy was low, my ego seemed particularly active and I was quick to find conflict in those who crossed my sense of self. Yet on days where my energy was pure and flowing, I found ease in all my actions.

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Finding the Breath: After Tapas

Through all of my practice in austerity I still find myself experiencing certain cravings. At first this frustrated me greatly and I forcibly shoved the idea of wanting out of my mind. As these urges continued to rise, however, I started to pause and contemplate the pre-thought generating these impulses of desire. Yesterday as I was hankering for some caffeine-based energy, I realized that my craving had (at least) two roots. The first root was a physical need for pranic energy resulting from the meals that I routinely skip and the breath that I allow to get shallow as I stare into my computer screen and let my mind run supreme. The second root was a pattern of consumption to satiate my discomfort in the power and truth of the present moment. When I used to feel bored or stressed, I would self-medicate with these substances and now without them I had to sit in whatever situation I had created for myself.

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Finding the Breath: Future Tapas

As I look forward in my yogic path, I can see the need to further purify my body and lifestyle so I can maintain high levels of prana energy. I have experienced such profound variance in my ability to calm my mind with even subtle imbalances like a spicy meal and a late night that I can now sense the great transformational power of the niyamas. The practice of tapas has been a remarkable window into my own being and a perfect mirror as I continue to explore the gross and subtle aspects of bringing my life into yoga.

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Replacing Unhealthy Habits with Yoga Tradition

The Axis Yoga Teacher Training Program opens the door to Yoga’s vast traditions to its students. Each student experiments with chosen yogic principles to see how they affect their lives. This student found access to a whole new healthy lifestyle that included some self-acceptance and mental clarity.

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