This kind of circular self discussion continued for days until I engaged in my first “discussion group” which was really myself and a few others drinking red wine and dissecting how/why I was philosophically sabotaging my experiment by thinking too much.
After we all wandered around the warrens of definition and logic of Ahimsa and the Self it was determined that when I am afraid of digging deeper into who “I” am I go to what I know: logic.
My logical self is firm, disallows an idea to flower without understanding how and why and when and where …it is a protective mechanism and after many hours of conversation, we determined it to be a form of self-abuse at the most and self-serving/ego-selfishness at the least. My best friend, a sage and old soul gave me a message that really resonated: “ Dude, you take things too seriously. There is no failure here, just experience it and stop trying to DO it right”. It was really powerful to hear that I can allow myself the experience of my inner world without trying to do it “right”.