As part of the Axis Teacher Training program, this student experimented with the application of Ishvarapranidhana, surrender to God. This resulted in two meaningful experiences that will inspire further practice.
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Like many, I experienced some traumatic religious experiences in my youth. To summarize, at the age of sixteen, I was asked by church officials to choose between my divorced parents, with the understanding that the wrong choice would mean my excommunication resulting in never reaching “total freedom” (the ultimate goal of all Scientologists). This was followed closely by the decimation of my religious belief structure. Despite the strides I have made over the course of the last twenty-six years to find a way to live and grow spiritually, I still struggle with the concept and practice of religion and ritual. Choosing the Ishvarapranidhana, surrender to God, group for the first experiment would afford me the opportunity to raise my awareness of my reactions toward God, religion, and ritual. My experiment became an activity to define what Ishvarapranidhana meant to, and for, me.
I went about this by adding a daily meditation with a mantra and expanding my current daily meditation to include a mantra. I selected Om and Soham as the mantras. In addition, I performed some limited research regarding what various translations and interpretations of the Upanishads had to say about God. I journaled to record my thoughts and experiences.
Although no one quite yet has the universal answer for who or what God is, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the definition of God that I find most appealing was also found in some translations of the Upanishads. The difference that I continue to contemplate is the personification of God that seems to thread through every definition, if only implied. God, for me, is a collective energy that is found everywhere and in everything in the universe. Although greater than the sum of its parts, I am not comfortable with the idea of this energy having a separate identity or individuality. The research did not result in me redefining what God is for me but did have me review whether or not my current perception still fit.
The best part of this portion of my experience occurred at the very beginning of the experiment when Susan, our group mentor, was very kind and shared her perception of God. Previously, I had found the idea of God to be narrowly defined in the Abrahamic faiths. Her knowledge caused me to recognize that the religious scriptures of those religions did not confine the definition of god; my perception of them did; and that the understanding of God within those, and indeed all religions, can be infinite. I thanked her at the time but want to again, here in writing, express my gratitude. Allowing me to witness God through her perception was a true gift.
I did not expect my perception to be opened even wider. I was having a very difficult time at work, frustrated with my lack of ability to stay on top of everything, angry with the executives of the corporation for trying to get more for less from their employees, and for the general lack of compassion that one of the managers has towards others. Although I get frustrated somewhat frequently with the world in which I currently work, much of the time I am able to see that most companies, including mine, are struggling and cost cutting, and that the manager who appears to drive those around her too hard is simply afraid. None of these understandings were helping me. Each day brought a new challenge and the black cloud that was hanging above me became a thunderhead.
As I was contemplating what to do about this situation, I remembered Kevin telling us to be in the first adho mukha svanasana for the day instead of squirming away from the tension and discomfort. Here I was again, in an unhappy work situation, squirming away from it instead of being in it. The million dollar question was, how could I be in it without carrying the weight of it around my neck. This time, it was Derik’s words that came to me.
I remembered Derik’s story about taking the teenagers camping and the physical difficulties he faced. When he said that it presented him a good opportunity to practice Ishvarapranidhana, I listened and understood the words, but I didn’t hear him. Even knowing that I was missing something huge, didn’t help; I simply retained the sense that I missed the message.
Now I was carrying discomfort, albeit not as difficult as Derik’s. So, I contemplated surrendering my current difficulties much like Derik had surrendered his. But how could I place my problems on everyone else? Wasn’t that what surrendering them to God was? They were my responsibility and wouldn’t it be wrong and hurtful to allow others to take that on? I’d love to say that I reconciled these questions, but I didn’t. I just decided to try it, despite the fact that it may not be the most ethical of decisions. My next thought wasn’t really a thought at all, I just let the anger, resentment, and frustration go. Had I tried to figure out how to do it, I don’t know that I could have, let alone actually do it. And after letting go, I realized that I had been holding on to the emotions. No, I hadn’t been holding on to them, I’d been clinging to them like they were the last life jacket in a cold and dark sea. I had drawn them about me and inside them I could feel free to be sanctimonious. I felt lighter. I had shed the heavy back pack I’d been hauling around. I wasn’t euphoric or joyful, I was calm and serene. The euphoria came a few days later when I realized that, not only didn’t I need to pick the anger and frustration back up, I wasn’t going to. And then, I surrendered the euphoria too; again, serenity.
Although I love parts of my job, and always have, I don’t mean to suggest that I now love going to work and that I enjoy the culture and the environment in which I work. Work became just work; sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant. I was serene and calm for a while. Some difficult days at work have come along since. Even though my anger and resentment haven’t returned, I do find myself getting overly stressed and worried; made larger by my headache condition. I see these as more opportunities to practice, even if they aren’t as successful as my first attempt.
I’m not sure that I experienced Ishvarapranidhana or if I experienced something else entirely. One way or the other, I’ve been given two amazing experiences for which I am thoroughly grateful.
Axis Teacher Training students choose a Yama (observance) or Niyama (restraint) to experiment with in their daily lives. This student focused on Satya, truth, with a commitment to avoid being judgmental. By withholding judgment, Truth had a clear path to present itself in surprising ways.
In an attempt to discover what Satya or truth means to me I did access consciousness as my experiment.
In my experiment I hope to have a better idea of how judgments affect my daily activities. After
Two weeks of journaling I plan to take my results and live my life for the better.
Looking back on my journal, I can see that I am making judgments every couple of minutes. I
was very surprised to see how many judgments I make in a typical day. My typical day consists of
getting my son Caleb ready for school, then meditation, yoga or a workout, getting ready for work, then
working all day doubles from 11am to 11pm. Before even leaving the house I would make 10-15
judgments. Even something as simple as driving to work, example “Oh my god I can’t believe that lady
is putting on her makeup in her car which is way more than she needs, she looks like she is headed to
the circus.”Or “Wow, what a jerk, how dare you cut me off, god driving like that is going to cause an
accident, how dare you? Don’t you know how to use a blinker?” Even at work I was more surprised with
at least 300 or more judgments, it was exhausting keeping track of the judgments. I was breaking a
sweat example “How in the world could you let your one year old drink soda? Don’t they know what
soda will do to the teeth and how bad it is for you?” “I can’t believe this guy is really hitting on me are
kidding me WOW, does this person know what a napkin is?”
I realized that not telling the truth made me feel heavy and weighed down, distracted, that I
became unfocused and felt overwhelmed. Even little white lies such as “No, Calories don’t count when
you eat out, or, Yes, your butt looks great in those jeans” . After realizing how heavy and distracted I felt
with little lies I can only imagine how much more bigger lies can play a major role on my or
someone else focus and abilities.
After keeping track of things I found how very untrue to myself I have been. For example with
my diet if I cheated I would tell myself it’s ok I’ll start again tomorrow, then tomorrow would come and
I’d cheat again then it would be a new tomorrow and so on. Then when I got on the scale I’d feel even
worse. Or when I got in a relationship that had a red flag all over and stayed knowing it was not a good
idea not only did I hurt myself I hurt others all because I was untrue to myself. This still weighs on my
mind. The realization that I have not been true to myself brought to light the fact that not doing
things for myself was a buried emotion that is affecting me more than I thought.
With all this I started to focus on being truthful and how it affects the body and mind. So every
day I would meditate which helps me to be focused and clear of thoughts also makes me feel light and
healthy. I can see from my experiment the difference in mind set and feelings when I am honest with
myself and others for example a co-worker who has a crush on me offered me free food one night on a
long shift. I said thank you but paid for it as to not lead him on. Also I had a friend text me one night
asking me for my opinion on how I viewed him I was completely honest it made me feel like I was
floating on air and helped him focus on the issues he was having at that time. I also waited on a co-
worker that kept asking me for free food I simply said No I won’t be a part of that. In these situations I
felt light and free, focused and not distracted with thoughts, I felt like my true self I be.
For the final part of my experiment, after reviewing my journal I decided to approach a new day
in a new way. I found opportunities to spend more quality time with my son. We played nerf wars and
Wii, watched movies during that time I felt closer to him and more connected to him I felt like I was a kid
again it was great to just play. The result was him not whining or throwing a fit and he was excited to
spend time with me to have his mom to just laugh and play. This also added to that feeling of being light
and free. I also took this approach at work when I would normally expect a customer to not be a good
tipper I would short change them service, this time I stayed out of judgment and treated them like
family and friends and was surprised by their generosity and it was the best table I had all night, work
went easy and was fun, even though my pockets were heavy I was light on my feet.
In conclusion I am changing my behavior. I am approaching every day and everything in a new
way. I’m not going to” judge a book by it is cover.” I’m also going approach my normal daily situations
from a non-judgmental point of view and be willing to receive all possibilities of the universe.
This has opened my eyes up to the rewards of being true to myself and having no point of view about
anything and not drawing conclusions, simply allowing others and the universe to surprise me.
As part of the Axis Teacher Training program, students experiment with select Yamas (observances) and Niyamas (restraints) in their daily lives. The following student account of a Satya experiment reveals one person’s observations about raw self-expression.