Tag Archive for: Tapas

Replacing Unhealthy Habits: Obstacles

By the following Sunday I was confused. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be feeling or thinking. I hadn’t had any “aha moments”. I didn’t feel enlightened or powerful. I felt…normal-ish. I think I let the doubt take over and by Tuesday I hadn’t done my morning asana in three days. My mind became overwhelmed with daily stuff like getting to the bank and finding a place to live. I made excuses in my head, “oh well this is the only day to go to the bank and you can do it for thirty minutes tomorrow”. I was craving chocolate and Starburst and cupcakes. Wednesday, thirteen days after not drinking, no caffeine, no red meat or going out I said to myself “ you deserve a drink, you haven’t had one in thirteen days and well work is hard and you had a bad week with the bank and three doubles at work”. I did, I sat at the bar after work and I had two beers and two shots. FAIL! I felt like crap in the morning, I didn’t do my morning practice yet again. “This is what I’m talking about Hannah. What is it worth? Did you really have THAT much fun?” I thought to myself. The answer is NO.
I hadn’t done asana consistently and I had a night of drinking, I obviously am not doing this experiment to the best of my ability. Since that night I have had plenty more excuses not do my daily practice, and you know what they say about excuses?

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Replacing Unhealthy Habits: New commitment

Through this experiment I have learned to not judge myself so harshly. I have learned that being sober and quiet is good for my mind and my well being. I have had moments of clarity when I can think back to when I started drinking so much and the reason why it became so prevalent in my life. I have learned that drinking was masking feelings, the past and daily obstacles; I drank because I wanted to be numb of it all. Through my pranayama practice I now inhale light and peace and exhale black smoke that consists of the rubbish elements that I need to get rid of in order to cleanse.
Although I feel my tapas experiment was a fail, I am human and I am learning. It is hard giving up all the things that I am used to but it is the change that I want to see in myself. I will make room for my morning practice and stay consistent with my nightly practice. I will keep trying to be a better person, a better yogi and strive to love and help those around me with compassion and understanding.

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Sweet Silence

As part of their teacher training, Axis Yoga students experiment with the application of Yamas (restraints) and Niyamas (observances) to their daily lives. This student found a new, enhanced ability to listen and focus on others through her dedication to daily silence. The following account shows how such a seemingly small step has made a dramatic difference.

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Sweet Silence: A nervous beginning

In reflecting on my experiment, feelings of calm, relaxation and satisfaction arise. It’s my opinion that my personal experiment was incredibly successful. A part of the Tapas group, I originally struggled with choosing the parameters for my experiment. Through talking with my group members, as well as the incredibly invaluable guidance from Santosh, I carefully chose the impetus for my experiment.

I’m someone who is extremely social. I often talk with classmates after class, email back and forth with them throughout the week. I remain connected to social media networks throughout the day and night. I check my phone when I first wake up, always answer text messages, schedule events and keep in touch with thousands of people per week.

In telling my groupmates this, as well as Santosh, I was given the idea of silence. I’ll be honest, at first the idea scared me beyond belief. I was instantly worried about blog sponsors, emails, people not hearing from me, missing out on social activities and more. The fire grew in my stomach as Santosh continued to tell me that I could practice verbal and social silence. This idea of silence was something I had never done, something that was so totally against my normal constitution– I got really nervous.

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Sweet Silence: Committing to the process

Keeping with the idea that change is inherently good, I made the choice to be silent for four hours every day. Due to life conflicts like my job at Starbucks where I have to talk, I chose not to be silent all day– my Starbucks regulars wouldn’t like that very much, not to mention my boss! I chose the four hours solely around my work schedule. If I had plans during the four hours, I had plans. I was still committed to keeping silent. I wouldn’t check my phone, email, facebook, twitter, blog readers’ comments… anything of the sort until my four hours were up.

The first few days were torture. I’ll be honest, I fantasized about just giving up and knowing I was defeated by this idea of silence. I was worried I would lose friends, money, influence or even credibility. I kept on with my goal, however, and found the effects to be immeasurable.

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Sweet Silence: Seeing results

First came comments from friends, family and my blog supporters, asking where I was or questioning if I was okay. It took everything in me to not write back until time was up. I even had classmates emailing me, to which I had to wait to respond.  Fighting with my internal dialogue, I waited… and waited… and waited longer. The first few four hour sessions seemed like days.

I found that after a few days, my silence got easier. It was less hectic, less rushed and more incredible than before. I grew happier, using my silence as a solace where I could acknowledge feelings and not have to explain them to anyone.

During the second week of my experiment, I was faced with hardships at work as well as in my family. Through choosing silence, I was able to listen to concerns, to feelings shared with  me. I was able to listen to everyone around me with a clarity I hadn’t before. They shared things that were new and raw. I was able to listen and focus, not just hear or acknowledge

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Sweet Silence: Conclusion

Of all of the emotions and changes that silence brought me, the one most pressed upon me is the feeling of thankfulness. I feel as though I was able to gain insight in to myself, into those around me and also the people I come in contact with everyday. I worked to listen. To understand the things that weren’t said. To give the people I was in contact with my full, undivided attention. It was pretty incredible feeling. They noticed, too. I was more present, alert and in tune with them.

Using the idea of silence will continue to be influential in my journey towards helping others through yoga. Being present in the moment and hearing where my students are coming from will help me to tailor their experiences in my classes or in private instruction. I’m incredibly excited to see the lasting effects of this experiment throughout the journey I’ve started. It will benefit me as well as my students, fellow classmates in training and my family.

It seems to me from talking with classmates, that this experiment impresses upon us a feeling of renewal. There’s something magical about bettering yourself. It seems like a common thread between all of the experiments, no matter the group, that they’re life changing and they turn out differently (and better) than we’d originally planned or thought. It’s truly been a life changing two-and-a-half weeks. I know I’ll continually reflect on this time as one where I gained insight into myself and those around me.

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Be Gentle: An Experiment with Ahimsa and Tapas

Axis Yoga inspires students to apply the yogic principles of yamas (restraints) and niyamas (observances) to their lives through a personal experiment. This student’s yama and niyama experiment turned out to be both surprising and liberating.

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Be Gentle: Introduction

The moment we started to talk about the yama and niyama experiments I was filled with anxiety. Breaking in to groups felt like a life sentence. Which part of myself am I going to delve into and work with? I knew I was being asked to take a hard look at myself, and that is never easy. I settled with ahimsa for my yama.

I was introduced to the concept of ahimsa several years ago. It is the restraint of non-violence, or non-harming. This seems fairly simple at the surface. Restrain from violence, don’t hit or kick? Easy! When adding the fact that yamas are to be practiced at the physical, verbal, and mental levels the task of Ahimsa becomes much more challenging. Which thoughts and words are harmful to yourself or others or harder yet the collective prana of the universe?

When we broke into groups I had a very clear sense of where I most needed to work on ahimsa in my life. As I listened to my group mates describe their habits of yelling and getting angry at others I felt that I truly could not relate. I said with conviction that my most violent acts are my thoughts towards myself. I went as far as to say that I really did not have any harmful thoughts or verbalizations towards the outside world, that I took it all in for myself. One of my group mates first response to that was “hurting yourself does hurt those around you.” This got me thinking. The first few days of the experiment I did not have much of a plan, I just started observing my thoughts closely. We all know this is a huge chore in and of itself. I was astonished by what I found. I do have harmful thoughts and verbalizations towards others!

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Be Gentle: Observation

The first day of the experiment was one of my 11 hour work days. I work in a women’s health clinic which has me interacting with tons of people every day. I interact with many coworkers and patients in person and on the phone. I genuinely thought that I did not need to work on my harmful thoughts towards the outside world. Well, all I needed was an eleven hour work day to show me differently. I found that the majority of my harmful thoughts came in the form of judgment. With patients: “Are you seriously complaining about the ten minute wait when we are about to give you free services? You have no idea how lucky you are.” “Did you really just ask me if you were going to die because you are spotting? You are crazy paranoid!” With coworkers: “Blah blah blah about your chemistry homework, you do not even know how to do your job.” I was startled when I started to realize how plain mean some of my thoughts were. I am always saying how much I love my coworkers and that patient care is the best part of the job. You would never know it if you could hear my thoughts.

It was easy for me to point out my harmful thoughts towards myself. I have a long history of self-attacks. Anytime one little thing happens I spiral into a million self-loathing thoughts. For example, if I am running late for work I think “gosh slackers are late, no one can count on me, I am bad at my job, I am bad at everything, everyone must hate me, I am lazy, I am fat….” This is a samskara that I have tried over and over again to break. I can now catch it and limit the domino effect most of the time. Since I have spent a lot of energy working on this for several years, I seemed to have drowned out the negative attitudes toward others. They have gone by unchecked. This experiment is beginning to change that.

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