Tag Archive for: Tapas

After a few days of observation I formulated a little more of a rough experiment. I began with an observation; my most violent/harmful thoughts are directed towards myself. I want to live with more ahimsa. Then I formulated a hypothesis: when I practice sadhana 15 minutes a day and increase ahimsa towards others by catching negative thoughts and treating them with kindness, negative thoughts towards myself will decrease. And finally the actual experiment; to do sadhana 15 minutes a day, to keep tally of negative self-thoughts, to keep a tally of negative thoughts towards others and if the other is present to smile and treat them with kindness, if the other is not present to breath and imagine them happy. It goes without saying that keeping tracks of every single thought is near impossible. And determining what is negative or harmful is another obstacle. My tallies were absolutely a rough estimate, but still very telling for me. The action of needing to take out a pen and mark my harmful thoughts made me very aware of them. It was a pleasant surprise that the numbers greatly decreased.

Self          Others

Day 1:        8             8

Day 2:       19         21

Day 3:       1            4

Day 4:       6            5

Day 5:       2            4

Day 6:       4            6

Day 7:       3            3

Day 8:       2           3

It quickly became apparent to me that harmful thoughts towards myself led to harmful thoughts towards others, and vice versa. They fed off of each other, making the tallies in each category equal or nearly equal most days. It was very hard to keep true track with so much vritti. As the days went by I used a little different criterion for what was marked as a tally. I may have had more than 2 negative thoughts towards myself on day 8, but they held less weight than they did on day 1. I had a few parallel experiences during the first half and second half of the experiment. The first time I encountered the experiences I attached to my thoughts. The second half I had a very light sensation where I said to myself “wow, that could feel really bad right now, but it just doesn’t.” It was a rather liberating feeling.

During all of this I started a month long cleanse. This was my niyama experiment with tapas. I have cut out soy, gluten, egg, night shades, dairy, peanuts, corn, potatoes, alcohol and sugar and I am only eating one solid meal a day. I am on day 19 and am feeling great. It has been a struggle and practicing ahimsa has been key. On day two of my ahimsa experiment I had by far the most negative thoughts and verbalizations. I ate something that I considered “cheating.” There was a little white wine in a sauce and I ate it anyways. I spiraled into a negative place because I was frustrated that I was not doing 100 percent perfectly. I could not even enjoy the sauce or the company I was with. This was a huge lesson in ahimsa for me. There is no reason to beat myself up for something so small. Even if I went out and ate a slice of pizza it would not be the end of the world and would not warrant harmful thoughts towards myself.

The fruit of ahimsa and tapas will continue to unfold for me. This experiment has been a good starting point. There is a lot of work to do. I have not done sadhana every single day which is a problem, but it is also a problem to beat myself up over it. I think the discipline that I have gained from my tapas experiment has begun and will continue to flow into my sadhana practice. The first week of the experiment one of my team mates said “be gentle with yourself.” I think this simple statement sums up a large part of what I am taking away from this process. I am trying to be gentle with myself in all aspects as well as trying to be gentle with others.

Axis Yoga Teacher Training students strengthen their knowledge of the yamas (restraints) and niyamas (observances) by choosing one of each to experiment with in their own lives. By focusing satya (truthfulness) and tapas (austerity) to a very specific area of his life, this student found the benefits of taking control of how other people’s actions affect him.

We all like to believe that we are truthful. However, there are countless facets to this precept. I narrowed my study to the aspect of being honest, or true to myself. Then narrowed it even further to an aspect of my life that I have struggled with for years: my job. In my job I am faced with multitudes of situations that I am personally and ethically opposed to on a very deep level. These situations ultimately make me feel like I am not living my truth. I work in a hospital, in direct care with patients…people. I work alongside doctors, nurses, case managers, therapists, and numerous other staff members responsible for some level of patient care. On any given day, I would literally run out of fingers to count how many negative, speculative, ignorant, and sometimes simply cruel comments I hear regarding patients…people. They are usually centered around the “choices” that a patient has made in their life that has led them to the sad destiny of needing medical attention. Often, the favorite subjects of these commentaries are: 1) alcoholics and drug addicts, 2).psychiatric patients, and 3) bariatric, or very overweight, patients. The commentaries often include a statement like, “How could anybody ever ______!” I’ve even heard such blatantly cruel statements as, “What an idiot.” This was a comment from a doctor regarding an alcoholic. Another comment, “How stupid…” was from another doctor, regarding a 23 year-old who nearly overdosed on prescription pain medicine. I have actually heard a nurse refer to an overweight woman as “disgusting”. She was not referring to something that came out of the patient, but the actual person. Over the years, I have become somewhat desensitized to this type of banter among so-called professionals, simply because it is so prevalent. However, I am still amazed and appalled at the complete lack of compassion from healthcare professionals who are trained and paid to care for others. As much as I love certain aspects of my work, I am deeply affected by this overt dispassion for humanity. It leaves me feeling as though I am being untrue to myself, to allow myself to work in this climate everyday. It also leaves me questioning humanity, itself.

I chose Tapas as my Niyama.  I have seen Tapas defined as, “passion, or zeal for yoga”.    I practiced sadhana every day for 15-45 minutes – first, pranayama, then meditation.  I also practiced asana, when I had the time.  I diligently got up between 4:30 and 5:00am on work days, around 6:00am on non-work days.  I practiced before sunrise, while my space was still relatively silent.

I noticed immediately that I was able to disengage, personally and emotionally, from these situations.  It was as though I was a passive observer in a protective “bubble”, not allowing the emotionality of the situation to affect me.  It may seem as though I was becoming dispassionate, but that was not the case.  I was able to observe the situation without allowing it to enter into my being.  It was still just as disturbing, but I did not internalize it and carry it with me.  I was able to disengage both passively and actively, especially when a co-worker would deliberately try to engage me in a conversation about a patient that was not pertinent to my direct involvement in that patient’s care.  Frequently someone would even start talking to me about a patient whom I did not even know.  In these situations, instead of engaging in the conversation, or even listening, I would consciously and graciously excuse myself and walk away.  This process seemed to happen organically.  I did not have a plan or intention for how it was going to unfold.  It was amazing!  It was as though I had discovered some beautiful secret that had lay dormant in me for years!

I have noticed a remarkable shift in both my attitude and energy at work.  Where I used to leave work virtually every day emotionally drained, I now feel like I have my emotions and my energy intact when I walk out the door.  Where I’ve thought that it was my patients who were sapping my prana, it turns out it is my co-workers.  I realize that, although I cannot change how other people think, act or speak, I can change how I allow it to affect me.