This inauthenticity was perhaps the root of my aversion to mantra. I always felt strange chanting word I couldn’t even understand except that I knew they were praising deities I didn’t even believe in. Not only that, but it is sung in such a monotone drone which, as a musician, sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. It was not intended to be a part of my experiment, but attending Tushta’s Gita study session really helped me to clear out some of my blockages about mantra. Tushta explained the aspects of existence that the different Hindu deities represent, which made them much more palatable to me. Then, as if from divine intervention, my practicum group convened and decided unanimously that I needed to be the one to lead mantra because I play the accordion. I didn’t even argue because it seemed so clear to me that this was my chance to turn mantra in to something I love and use it to help dissolve my aversion. I found a mantra whose translation really resonated with me, and I found that once I was able to turn it in to a beautiful, melodious song, it actually became something I loved. When I led a practice session of it with the class, I was deeply touched by how beautiful it sounded when everyone sang it back to me, and the calming affect that the vibration of the accordion and the words had on me. It was really a transformational experience.
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I do wish I had worked more with pranayama for this experiment, because I still don’t seem to get much out of the practices we do in class, and I haven’t done enough outside of class to really feel experientially what it can do for you. Reflecting on why I couldn’t seem to make time for it, I realized that it was partially because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I live in a house with one parent who gets up early and one who goes to bed late and my room has no door or sound barrier from the rest of the house. Realizing this, I really had to come to terms with that ugly side of me that is self-conscious of what other think of me. It was a good thing to look at, and now that my seasonal cold has cleared up, I still could take the time and effort to get over that mental barrier and discover for myself the effects of pranayama on the body and mind.
On the surface, I would say that my experiment was a failure. I was probably only able to fit fifteen minutes of sadhana in to my day, about five times a week. At least at this point in my life, I don’t seem to have the stability or the dedication to commit myself fully to the yogic path (i.e. waking up at 5:00am to do all of these prescribed practices to increase my prana). If I failed in that, I think I succeeded in coming to terms with myself and my own spirituality, and overcoming some of my aversions. Reflecting on the experiment, I realized that I may never be that hardcore yogi, and that’s okay. I can just meet myself where I’m at and extend from there. I now have the ability to approach all of the teachings with an open mind, learn what I can from them, and integrate them in to my life in a way that feels authentic to me. For that, I am grateful.
This Axis Yoga Teacher Training student found that less is more when it came to making lifestyle changes. Even if the changes are meant to improve overall health, they can have the opposite effect if taken on too aggressively. From this account, we can see the benefits of taking things slowly with a large dose of awareness.
For this project, I wanted to experiment with my daily routine and how I could make it more ayurvedic. I already had some semblance of a routine, but wasn’t sticking to it very well, and found that I didn’t have enough time in the mornings for the things I wanted to be doing (e.g. asana and meditation). Actually, the main change I wanted to make was to regulate my eating schedule. Between my job at the restaurant and everything else I do, I find I don’t have a lot of time to devote to meals, and I end up eating at really weird times of day—think lunch around 3 pm and dinner around 10 at night. Which is not so great considering that a) I’m eating lunch after my digestive fire is past its prime, and b) I’m having dinner within an hour before going to bed. This didn’t seem like it would be good for my digestion or my sleep. I noticed that I was waking up a lot of mornings not feeling rested, and I wondered if I could change that by modifying my eating habits.
My initial thought was that I’d need to start eating breakfast earlier—around 8 am—so I’d be hungry for lunch earlier in the day (hopefully around noon), which in turn would make me want to eat dinner at a more normal time (around 6 pm). Since I don’t get a break to eat at these times, the only way to do this was to start bringing food to work and eating it in the back when I wasn’t too busy. This meant allowing extra time in the mornings to prepare my meals for the day.
It all sounded good in theory—but the whole plan hinged on my being able to eat an early breakfast. If I didn’t eat early enough, it would throw off my eating schedule for the rest of the day, and it would also mean not having enough time to get lunch and dinner ready to take to work. Normally I wasn’t even waking up until 8 am, so if I wanted my plan to work, I realized I was going to have to start getting up earlier in the morning—an hour or two earlier, realistically, if I wanted to have enough time for asana and meditation before breakfast.
The thought of waking up at 6 am every morning was a little daunting. But it was also exciting, because the earlier start meant I would have time for lots of other things, too. In true form, I got a little overzealous and decided to try also incorporating some other aspects of the ayurvedic daily routine, like oil-swishing, tongue-scraping, and self-massage. Even before I started it seemed like a lot to me, especially considering I don’t normally function before 8 in the morning, but I was ready to dive in and try it.
Well, my plan failed miserably. The first day of trying all this new stuff, exciting as it was, was totally overwhelming. I underestimated how challenging it was going to be just to wake up earlier in the morning. I had always considered myself a morning person, but I just wasn’t used to getting up before 8 am. I really struggled with it. The other factor I didn’t consider was that waking up earlier would mean going to bed earlier. If I wanted to be up by 6 am, I needed to be in bed by 10—which, considering I sometimes don’t even get off of work until after 10, wasn’t realistic for me.
I hadn’t thought before about all these interconnections between the different pieces of my daily life. There is a delicate balance to it all, and making one change can tip the scales and require us to make a host of other changes in order to restore that balance. I believe that I can change my life if we want to, but I’ve realized that I need to approach these changes more gently in the future. I’m finding it strange to hear myself say that, because I have long considered change and movement to be driving forces in my life. I have never thought of myself as a “routine person”; I’m more the type to just fly by the seat of my pants and take life as it comes to me. But it seems that even I have a certain rhythm, and if that rhythm is disturbed, it can really throw me for a loop. When I tried my new routine, I found that it was messing with pretty much every aspect of my daily life, and that stressed me out. I didn’t like it at all. In the end I had to let go of trying to change my whole routine and focus exclusively on just waking up earlier. I am happy to say that I now wake up closer to 7 am and go to bed around 11 pm. This may not be exactly in line with what ayurveda recommends, but it is still a step in the right direction, and it is a more moderate change that I’ve been able to adapt to.
As I’ve been studying ayurveda and becoming more aware of my doshas, I’ve started to get a better feel for when I am going out of balance. In doing my experiment, I could feel my vata spiking and I quickly realized that I was doing something that was not good for me. I may have been going by the book as far as the ayurvedic recommendations were concerned, but I had to disrupt my whole natural rhythm in order to do that, and that didn’t feel right. It felt very much like I was going against the grain. I think there is a lot to be said for following our own intuition about what works and what doesn’t rather than trying to force change on ourselves. If the ultimate goal of what we do is to improve our health and quality of life, we can make changes, but we have to do it in a way that is kind to ourselves and in line with our natural wisdom.
It is not uncommon for Yoga teachers to fall into the trap of spending so much time teaching that they neglect their own practice. This Axis Yoga Teacher Training student has found out early on the importance of always being a student of Yoga. As described in the following account, self-study of the asanas heightened overall teaching abilities. As student and teacher in one, this yogi now moves forward in sharing the joy of Yoga.
Throughout my time here at Axis Yoga, playing the role of the student has come very naturally. I have always enjoyed the student perspective; gaining knowledge so that I can pass it along and utilize what I learn outside of class. I have yet to fully grasp the concept that I am the one now, who is expected to become the “teacher”. In my own modest opinion, I joined this program with every intention to do just that, become the instructor but, at the same time, I do not ever want to stop playing the role of a student as well. One of the most echoing comments I heard during my teacher training was along the lines of, “you have to want to teach, in order to learn” and that right there is the most important idea to remember, it keeps me grounded and reminds my ego, I am not trying to be the best, I am just trying to do my best. With all of those ideas and thoughts tumbling through my citta at this point in the training, I decided that in my third and final experiment I would focus my energy and my personal training in the direction of teaching.
For this experiment I had more than one goal in mind. I wanted to not only take the time as it presented itself to get together with other students and friends so that I can practice my instructing and build the confidence necessary to move on in my teacher training. Also, I wanted to focus on my own personal understanding of the asana and the many postures that I was now hoping to pass along to those who were interested in deepening their own practice. I decided in the beginning that each day/night I would attempt to sit down and plan out a simple yoga class; utilizing the tools and concepts we had been learning through our teaching workshops I started off well. I found it fairly easy to start, my intentions were simple; “growing and evolving”, “hip opening”, “chest opening”, even just choosing apex poses and then working backwards from there. By week one, I had remained consistent in writing out my “lessons” and later practicing them myself at home or with others. This exercise quickly became one of the most valuable along with my sadhana practices. I found that over time, the lessons were becoming more dynamic, they involved more themes and patterns than what I had originally felt comfortable manipulating into yoga practices. The most enlightening part of it all for me was the internal understanding that came with the practices. As I was work-shopping specific asana’s for myself at home such as; Vrkasana, Navasana, Trikonasana, Ardha Chandrasana, and Bakasana I was noticing how much better my comprehension was of these poses and many more like them. After choosing a pose to workshop alone, I was so much more prepared and confident when it came to working with other students and friends in getting them into these same postures and guiding them through a full practice. My proprioception had improved greatly I was actually becoming perceptive of the “fullness” in my back in arm-balancing poses which helped me to hold them better and breath into them deeper. I was much more aware of the hips and the many ways to open them in postures such as Virabhadrasana one and two. It is thrilling to be so knowledgeable in your own body and its movements that you can verbally help others to understand theirs as well. The rewards to instructing have started to really shine for me as well as the rewards of self-instructing and self-discipline. I would not feel as ready as I do at this time in my training to go forth and help others with their yoga practices if it had not been for this personal experiment and my new sense of so many skills. I have been provided with multiple tools and concepts to take with me for the rest of my life that will always help and encourage me to keep doing just what I am now.