Finding My Own Sadhana: Continuing the Search
I do wish I had worked more with pranayama for this experiment, because I still don’t seem to get much out of the practices we do in class, and I haven’t done enough outside of class to really feel experientially what it can do for you. Reflecting on why I couldn’t seem to make time for it, I realized that it was partially because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I live in a house with one parent who gets up early and one who goes to bed late and my room has no door or sound barrier from the rest of the house. Realizing this, I really had to come to terms with that ugly side of me that is self-conscious of what other think of me. It was a good thing to look at, and now that my seasonal cold has cleared up, I still could take the time and effort to get over that mental barrier and discover for myself the effects of pranayama on the body and mind.
On the surface, I would say that my experiment was a failure. I was probably only able to fit fifteen minutes of sadhana in to my day, about five times a week. At least at this point in my life, I don’t seem to have the stability or the dedication to commit myself fully to the yogic path (i.e. waking up at 5:00am to do all of these prescribed practices to increase my prana). If I failed in that, I think I succeeded in coming to terms with myself and my own spirituality, and overcoming some of my aversions. Reflecting on the experiment, I realized that I may never be that hardcore yogi, and that’s okay. I can just meet myself where I’m at and extend from there. I now have the ability to approach all of the teachings with an open mind, learn what I can from them, and integrate them in to my life in a way that feels authentic to me. For that, I am grateful.