Small Task, Big Insight

For the first life experiment in the Axis Yoga Teacher Training program, this student attempted to make a small change in the recognition of Tapas. Through a regular pranayama practice an old observation was rediscovered. This unexpected turn of events made the experiment even more successful.

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Small Task, Big Insight – Observation and Hypothesis

TAPAS –

Austerity; character development; restrain from non-supportive desires.

Observation:

I always want to end my meals with something sugary and sweet – candy or dessert/treat.  I can’t focus on anything else until I get that last satisfaction of my desire which usually only lasts for a millisecond.  Immediately after consuming, I am physically ill – headache, dizzy, nauseous and shaky.  I know I will feel this way after so then why do I still want it?  I want to experience a sense of calm and consciousness beforehand in order to make a better decision or before I start the sweet search and yearning.

Hypothesis:  If I don’t allow myself something sweet, initially, I will be agitated and upset from the deprivation.  But not having to deal with the physical consequences that usually occur after will only benefit me.  Practicing daily pranayama (The Eight Kriyas and yogic breathing) will guide me to a more steady mind and a calmer body.  And maybe then, I will be able to stop, think and decide more clearly.

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Small Task, Big Insight – Getting Started

Of course, upon sitting down in the Tapas Group, I had no idea what I was going to pick to observe and experiment upon myself.  What is there to share about myself that I want to change, work on, and have others know about me so up close and personal?  I chose my specific yama, Tapas, to work on refraining from eating sugar.  I immediately judged myself for picking such a surface topic, “Why would one be embarrassed to share that?  Who cares?  Everyone else is picking a thing to better themselves or observe something hidden within.”  I pretty much committed to it, told myself that it will be alright, and that based off of our guest speakers’ insight, I just might discover something from even the simplest of topics…

Practicing the Eight Kriyas every morning was how the experiment was launched.  It took me a couple times to figure out where, when and how I was going to accomplish this new ritual.  With a boyfriend that sometimes works from home and a dog that thinks my lap is his fair game – tapping into even the dawn of the experiment already required patience and creativity!  I caught myself embarrassed of letting my boyfriend know what I was doing.  Finally, after being tired of looking for places to hide or having him interrupt me during my exercise, I told him what was up.  From there my morning cup of Eight Kriyas was born.

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Small Task, Big Insight – A New Discovery

This experiment hasn’t been very difficult.  I, again, have judged myself for picking something that isn’t challenging enough.  I am not agitated, anxious or nervous as I anticipated.  However, a discovery made that was completely unexpected happened one evening.  My boyfriend made comment that after getting dinner at the store he refrained from buying dessert because he knows I am trying to do this.  I immediately felt horrible and wanted to fix it by offering to let him do what he wants, not to suffer on my account, and that I would even join him in some dessert gluttony.

I simply stopped and let the feeling go through me before I reacted.  I have been known to people-please especially at the expense of my own happiness, success and pleasure.  The funny thing is that he was not at all upset about it.  On his behalf, I just made it up in my own mind that he was dying to have something sweet and that I would save the day.  Perhaps these “ideas” aren’t just made up.  Maybe I put them there for a way out of the situation — which is a completely separate, but important, topic/discovery too.

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Small Task, Big Insight – Observations

During this experiment, I noticed three underlying themes which often occur in my life that just happened to pop up in the course of this particular process:  1) I people-please, 2) I try to save people, most of the time without their consent and 3) I bail out of situations that are too difficult or cause me to have to work.  As stated above, the “ideas” might be presenting themselves to me as if to make me notice or stop and go, “Ooooh, I’m doing that again.”  The three things discovered were nothing new to me.  I had actually uncovered these habits about myself long ago.  The re-discovery may have been a sign that I had gotten lazy with connecting to myself lately.  The experiment more or less tapped me on the shoulder, “Hey, just because you have already learned these things about yourself doesn’t mean you’re entitled to just float about.  If you really want to change within, you need to be more insightful, genuinely committed, determined and more consistent in your effort.”  I like to think that my sugar consumption was a way to cover up my habit of pleasing everyone else but me.  And wanting to change something about myself kind of requires a little more work than I had put forth – it won’t go away just by the realization.  It’s possible that since this experiment wasn’t a struggle, it’s a sign that I may be on the right path to paying attention to what I really need, yet also a reminder to not lose myself either.

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Small Task, Big Insight – Moving Forward

I definitely believe practicing pranayama almost every morning grounded me greatly in becoming aware of my feelings and thoughts. Admittingly, I was skeptical that something so simple held so much worth.  Out of it all, I would really like to be nicer to myself.  The immediate judgment and uncertainty throughout didn’t serve me especially since I journeyed to a good place.  But it is like anything else that a person needs in order to see change – it takes practice, patience and perseverance – and the journey is far from over…

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