I knew deep inside that I was the only one beating up myself. I was the only person holding myself down. Once I became aware of the mantra “analysis causes paralysis”, I then put myself through an exercise of closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and jumping in. Thoughts are like chatter, sometimes, it gets to be too much. I am left covering my ears, screaming, and running out of the room. Since it has only been a year that I have been doing this practice of nurturing and motivating, I still need to stop, and self-guide myself to even pick up a pencil. Imperfection is still something I am learning to become friends with – it’s OK to draw a line that doesn’t make sense, it’s OK if I only do one sketch a week, a month, or whenever it happens. No one is expecting anything of me, I am in safe place of expression. Everyday is a work-in-progress.
The following account shares the journey one Axis Yoga Teacher Training student takes to find an authentic personal Yoga practice. With the many paths and practices of Yoga, it takes some self-exploration and experimentation to find what feels right to each individual. This student was able to embrace Yoga in a way that fit current beliefs and practices, and left room for Yoga to continue to become a more substantial part of life.
I started doing yoga five years ago with the sole motivation of getting physically fit. I soon started to know and appreciate the subtle mind-clarifying benefits, and the importance of the breath in the practice, which can be applied to many situations throughout my day. My practice stagnated for years when I found myself unable to pay for yoga classes and then I ended up traveling for two years consistently. I continued to practice asana almost daily, but I wasn’t learning anything new or deepening my practice at all. As soon as I started the Axis Yoga teacher training, I could almost immediately feel the benefits of deepening my practice by using pranayama, meditation, and mantra along with my ever-evolving asana practice. At the same time I came up against a deep-seeded inner obstacle; a resentment to being told how to practice my spirituality, and an aversion to dogma and ritual (especially mantra for some reason). Having felt the positive effects of sadhana in Vipassana, and in class, and seeing the use in overcoming aversions, I decided to use the opportunity to do a personal experiment to get to the bottom of this particular aversion. I decided to try and do at least thirty minutes of sadhana a day and see what kind of effects it had on my mind and well-being. I figured that if I could really experience the effects of the practices, then I could more easily overcome my aversions and allow them to become a part of my life and improve my well-being.
Almost immediately it became clear that my original goal was not going to come to fruition. The experiment happened to fall on a time when I had a terrible cold that lasted two weeks, making it impossible to breathe normally through my nose let alone do pranayama. Furthermore, it came at a time when the summer camping trips I lead for youth had started, making it difficult to find the time and space to do a practice that requires so much silence and solitude, and which could be very alienating for the youth I work with. I also had trouble forcing myself to sit indoors to practice sadhana with the beautiful springtime weather beckoning me outdoors. I did learn from this obstacle, however. I learned that I can create my own form of meditation which allows me to be outside, and really enjoy the practice. I would simply find a quite spot alone in nature and sit up straight while trying to keep my focus on the present moment and my immediate surroundings. This was a big breakthrough for me as far as getting over my aversions to meditation, because I realized that I could bring in everything I’m learning in yoga and add my own pieces that work for me to make it something that benefits me even more and also allows me to express my spirituality in a way that feels authentic to me.
This inauthenticity was perhaps the root of my aversion to mantra. I always felt strange chanting word I couldn’t even understand except that I knew they were praising deities I didn’t even believe in. Not only that, but it is sung in such a monotone drone which, as a musician, sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. It was not intended to be a part of my experiment, but attending Tushta’s Gita study session really helped me to clear out some of my blockages about mantra. Tushta explained the aspects of existence that the different Hindu deities represent, which made them much more palatable to me. Then, as if from divine intervention, my practicum group convened and decided unanimously that I needed to be the one to lead mantra because I play the accordion. I didn’t even argue because it seemed so clear to me that this was my chance to turn mantra in to something I love and use it to help dissolve my aversion. I found a mantra whose translation really resonated with me, and I found that once I was able to turn it in to a beautiful, melodious song, it actually became something I loved. When I led a practice session of it with the class, I was deeply touched by how beautiful it sounded when everyone sang it back to me, and the calming affect that the vibration of the accordion and the words had on me. It was really a transformational experience.
I do wish I had worked more with pranayama for this experiment, because I still don’t seem to get much out of the practices we do in class, and I haven’t done enough outside of class to really feel experientially what it can do for you. Reflecting on why I couldn’t seem to make time for it, I realized that it was partially because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I live in a house with one parent who gets up early and one who goes to bed late and my room has no door or sound barrier from the rest of the house. Realizing this, I really had to come to terms with that ugly side of me that is self-conscious of what other think of me. It was a good thing to look at, and now that my seasonal cold has cleared up, I still could take the time and effort to get over that mental barrier and discover for myself the effects of pranayama on the body and mind.
On the surface, I would say that my experiment was a failure. I was probably only able to fit fifteen minutes of sadhana in to my day, about five times a week. At least at this point in my life, I don’t seem to have the stability or the dedication to commit myself fully to the yogic path (i.e. waking up at 5:00am to do all of these prescribed practices to increase my prana). If I failed in that, I think I succeeded in coming to terms with myself and my own spirituality, and overcoming some of my aversions. Reflecting on the experiment, I realized that I may never be that hardcore yogi, and that’s okay. I can just meet myself where I’m at and extend from there. I now have the ability to approach all of the teachings with an open mind, learn what I can from them, and integrate them in to my life in a way that feels authentic to me. For that, I am grateful.
This Axis Yoga Teacher Training student found that less is more when it came to making lifestyle changes. Even if the changes are meant to improve overall health, they can have the opposite effect if taken on too aggressively. From this account, we can see the benefits of taking things slowly with a large dose of awareness.
For this project, I wanted to experiment with my daily routine and how I could make it more ayurvedic. I already had some semblance of a routine, but wasn’t sticking to it very well, and found that I didn’t have enough time in the mornings for the things I wanted to be doing (e.g. asana and meditation). Actually, the main change I wanted to make was to regulate my eating schedule. Between my job at the restaurant and everything else I do, I find I don’t have a lot of time to devote to meals, and I end up eating at really weird times of day—think lunch around 3 pm and dinner around 10 at night. Which is not so great considering that a) I’m eating lunch after my digestive fire is past its prime, and b) I’m having dinner within an hour before going to bed. This didn’t seem like it would be good for my digestion or my sleep. I noticed that I was waking up a lot of mornings not feeling rested, and I wondered if I could change that by modifying my eating habits.
My initial thought was that I’d need to start eating breakfast earlier—around 8 am—so I’d be hungry for lunch earlier in the day (hopefully around noon), which in turn would make me want to eat dinner at a more normal time (around 6 pm). Since I don’t get a break to eat at these times, the only way to do this was to start bringing food to work and eating it in the back when I wasn’t too busy. This meant allowing extra time in the mornings to prepare my meals for the day.
It all sounded good in theory—but the whole plan hinged on my being able to eat an early breakfast. If I didn’t eat early enough, it would throw off my eating schedule for the rest of the day, and it would also mean not having enough time to get lunch and dinner ready to take to work. Normally I wasn’t even waking up until 8 am, so if I wanted my plan to work, I realized I was going to have to start getting up earlier in the morning—an hour or two earlier, realistically, if I wanted to have enough time for asana and meditation before breakfast.
The thought of waking up at 6 am every morning was a little daunting. But it was also exciting, because the earlier start meant I would have time for lots of other things, too. In true form, I got a little overzealous and decided to try also incorporating some other aspects of the ayurvedic daily routine, like oil-swishing, tongue-scraping, and self-massage. Even before I started it seemed like a lot to me, especially considering I don’t normally function before 8 in the morning, but I was ready to dive in and try it.
Well, my plan failed miserably. The first day of trying all this new stuff, exciting as it was, was totally overwhelming. I underestimated how challenging it was going to be just to wake up earlier in the morning. I had always considered myself a morning person, but I just wasn’t used to getting up before 8 am. I really struggled with it. The other factor I didn’t consider was that waking up earlier would mean going to bed earlier. If I wanted to be up by 6 am, I needed to be in bed by 10—which, considering I sometimes don’t even get off of work until after 10, wasn’t realistic for me.
I hadn’t thought before about all these interconnections between the different pieces of my daily life. There is a delicate balance to it all, and making one change can tip the scales and require us to make a host of other changes in order to restore that balance. I believe that I can change my life if we want to, but I’ve realized that I need to approach these changes more gently in the future. I’m finding it strange to hear myself say that, because I have long considered change and movement to be driving forces in my life. I have never thought of myself as a “routine person”; I’m more the type to just fly by the seat of my pants and take life as it comes to me. But it seems that even I have a certain rhythm, and if that rhythm is disturbed, it can really throw me for a loop. When I tried my new routine, I found that it was messing with pretty much every aspect of my daily life, and that stressed me out. I didn’t like it at all. In the end I had to let go of trying to change my whole routine and focus exclusively on just waking up earlier. I am happy to say that I now wake up closer to 7 am and go to bed around 11 pm. This may not be exactly in line with what ayurveda recommends, but it is still a step in the right direction, and it is a more moderate change that I’ve been able to adapt to.
About Us
The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
Today we specialize in grassroots Pay What You Can workshops, accessible retreats and our signature yoga teacher training, for the outlier yogi.
Contact Us
Denver Yoga Underground Director:
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave