Tag Archive for: Yoga

Accepting Self, Others and Life: The Experiment I

The first day was challenging, yet eye opening.  Even waking up and doing only ten minutes of asana made me feel calm but excited and ready for the day.  I knew that I had a problem with my expectations for others, but as a high school teacher, I was not sure if these same judgments spilled over into my classroom with my students.  Amazingly, I realized that this is one group where I do not tend to overly criticize, become impatient, and have impossible expectations.  This is the one group that I am very patient with and tend not to criticize.  To be honest, I was not sure what to expect with how I judge my students and how I may be harming my relationships with them.  Even though I have expectations for my students, I do not expect them to be perfect and have all the answers, because I believe that it is my job to help them.  For me, this was quite the surprise and I even started to wonder if maybe I had made the wrong choice for my experiment.  Then I went to a staff meeting after school and realized I made exactly the right choice.

At the staff meeting I encountered someone who I have no choice but to work very closely with in our department and as coaches.  The last few weeks in particular had been especially difficult to work with him for various reasons.  I do not tend to be a very sensitive person in certain ways.  I am pretty thick skinned, love to joke around, can take a joke, and can also take constructive criticism fairly well.  I have realized that I surround myself with the same kinds of people as many of my co-workers, family members, and close friends are like this also.  However, this particular teacher is an extremely emotional, sensitive, passive aggressive young man.  At the meeting, he became incredibly upset and emotional about a comment that was made to him by our principal.  I became immediately annoyed, frustrated, and even angry at him for being so sensitive about a comment that I considered to be completely innocent.  As I was telling him not to take things so personally and intensely I realized I was causing himsa to our relationship and to myself.  I was upset because I did not think someone else should be upset.  It had nothing to do with what I thought; yet I was allowing this man’s reactions to affect me in a negative and completely unnecessary way.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I allow him to affect me on a regular basis.  I needed to be less affected, more patient, and simply allow others to be who they are.  I was trying to make him more like me but that is not who he is, regardless of how I feel about his reactions.  I cannot control others and that is not my job.  What I can control is how I allow myself to react to others.

I began to notice how I view even my closest of friends.  I judge them for not having a job that makes them happier, not having better communication with their husbands, not setting higher goals for them to strive for.  It is exhausting how much I worry about others and how they are not doing the right things.  My worrying and judging them to my standards does not help them, does not help me, and certainly does not help our relationship.  I do not have all of the answers, or the perfect life, so why do I believe that others should live the way I do?  If I love my husband, family, and friends, why on earth would I want them to be more like me?  If I love them for who they are I needed to love them for all that they are.  This realization was like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders.  Loving those I already love, for who they are… genius!

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Accepting Self, Others and Life: The Experiment II

I was amazed by the realizations that I was having.  I was relieving anxieties I did not know I had, patching relationships I did not know were strained.  When I began to have a negative or judgmental thought of someone else, I practiced my yogic breath and sometimes even chanted the Gayatri Mantra to help center myself.  I was in control of myself and everything was going according to plan.  It was the night going into the third week of the experiment and I felt great and reflected on how thankful I was for choosing ahimsa.  I woke up that night with intense pain in my abdomen and to make a long story short, ended up in the hospital with appendicitis.  This was not part of my plan.  I missed the entire next week and a half of school and the experiment seemed over.  I was cut off form the world, assigned to bed rest, and prescribed painkillers.  Work stopped, axis yoga stopped, asana stopped, my world was put on pause without a notice or a choice.  I tried to stay optimistic about my recovery and quickly rejoining the rest of the world.  I was strong, determined, and in every other way, a healthy individual; I would be back on my feet in no time! I did not see the trap I was setting for myself, the impossible expectations that I was creating.  Towards the end of the first week of my recovery I could feel myself becoming depressed from boredom and immobility.  I went to yoga training and sat in class, I became more depressed knowing I could not fully participate.  I went to work six days after the surgery and went home in pain and overcome with complete exhaustion and had to take two more days off of work.  Instead of accepting life and healing, I was still setting impossible expectations and despairing when I could not meet them.  I was harming myself; I was no longer practicing ahimsa.

In the last few days, I have tried to slow down and be more patient and accepting of my recovery.  I have tried to actually listen to the doctors instead of my own expectations.  This is not easy for me.  In my perfect world, I could have finished the experiment and felt good about how well I did and how much I changed.  Life happened, I wasn’t ready for it but I am still trying.

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Accepting Self, Others and Life: Conclusions

My experiment will never be over.  Even though I believe, through my practice, my judgments about others and myself will reside and become easier to spot.  However, life will always happen and I will always have to choose how to react to it.  I did experience more peace when I was practicing ahimsa in my relationships and I will continue to work on this.  At the same time, I must also become more aware of how I am reacting to this world, especially when this world surprises me.  I will continue to practice patience with others as well as myself.  I want to continue exploring the eight limbs and be open to what they reveal to me.  I look forward to a lifetime of practicing the yogic way of life, even when life happens.

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Coming into my Spirit

Each year Axis YTT students find new awareness through their experiments with the yamas and niyamas. This student found the ability to “come into my spirit” through both passive and active surrender to God. This is the account of practicing the niyama, Ishvara Pranidhana.

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Coming into my Spirit: Contemplating the Niyama

Three weeks ago, sitting in class I was struggling with the decision of which yama/niyama group to choose. After listening to the mentors discuss their experiences I was moved and excited to begin my own journey. However, felt this was something I would carry with me much longer than three weeks, rendering the decision a difficult one. Nevertheless, as I listened to the last mentor discuss Ishvara Pranidhan I felt my heart gravitating toward this experiment group almost automatically. Just like that, I had chosen to surrender to God.

In the beginning, it was a little difficult to formulate my experiment. I started thinking of why Ishvara Pranidhan was an obvious choice and how I could apply it in my life appropriately. Currently my life is in a bit of a transitional state. Having recently moved to a new state I am searching for work in a difficult market and preparing to apply to an extremely competitive internship program. I find these situations frustrating because no matter how much I plan and prepare I have no control over the outcome. What’s more, I consider myself a super planner. I like to have a clear plan in life, which typically transcends into enjoying the security of controlled situations.  I think planning can be good to a degree, when it helps you to stay organized. However, the downfall is I often find myself trying to over-plan or control a situation that I have essentially had no control over. Therefore, I waste valuable time wondering, worrying, and becoming wrapped up in situations that may or may not happen. Which overall, results in not being present or valuing the given moments of the here and now.

After reflecting on this realization, I decided that if I surrender things beyond my control to God, then I will have more peace and it will allow me to be present in my life.

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Coming into my Spirit: Passive Surrender

I began journaling. This very cathartic experience allowed me to re-direct my thoughts in moments where my mind was spiraling out of control. Being a planner, I began to make daily lists of things that I wanted to focus on and that were tangible. The lists really helped me stay focused on the present task instead of letting my mind steam roll into the over-planning mode. When I found myself fixating on a situation that I had no control over I would literally tell myself “STOP” and offer the thought up to God. I found serenity in this practice because it felt like letting go and being free. I also began to develop a more consistent sahdna practice to help this process of letting go. These actions were all very helpful; however, Richard Freeman writes in The Mirror of Yoga that the surrender carries two connotations, one that is passive and one that is active. Most of what I was doing was passively surrendering to God by simply accepting things as they are and having trust in God. In order to fully immerse myself in the experiment I wanted to go a little deeper and work on an active surrender.

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Coming into my Spirit: Continuing on

To conclude-at times during the experiment I thought, “Did I pick the wrong group?” However, in the end I know I was right where I was meant to be and I feel so liberated within my joyful surrender. I know this will be an ongoing experiment and something I will need to work at but it is so worth it! Three weeks ago, I wrote in my journal a quote that says, “Surrendering control and apprehension to God allows me to come into my spirit”.  I do not think I could sum up my experiment any better.

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Surrendering Control

By embracing Ishvarapranidhana (surrender to God), this Axis Teacher Training student found peace that had been missing in daily life. Identifying a need for constant control and then practicing ways to relinquish that control was an excellent introduction to the application of the niyama Ishvarapranidhana.

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Surrendering Control: What to release

As I sit down to write this paper on the day of my divorce it comes as no surprise to me why I ended up with Ishvarapranidhana as my experiment, though going into it I really wasn’t sure if this was what I needed to do.  Ahimsa (non harming) fit well, so did Aparigraha (non grasping) and as I have come to see several of the Yama’s and Niyama’s kind of work hand in hand. But to put focus back onto Ishvaripranidhan, what was it that I really needed to surrender to God or “let go and let God” as I like to say.  Well let’s just look at this last year.

List of things to surrender to God

– False ideal of family

– Anger towards my now x husband for not putting me and the kids above his need for alcohol

– Feeling that I wasn’t a good mother because I asked for a divorce

– Feeling like I had to control every aspect of my life and getting completely derailed when things didn’t work out as I had planned

– Walls that I have put up to protect myself from ever having to go through the pain that I went through over the last 10 years of marriage

– So to summarize, because this list could go on, it really all boiled down to CONTROL.  I had to be in CONTROL so I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes.  I wasn’t living in the past but I wasn’t letting go of it either, and I was for sure going to MAKE SURE my future didn’t repeat my past mistakes.  This CONTROL has come to rule me and my relationships with my kids, friends, and new lover, and not in a good way.

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Surrendering Control: Changing methods

So I changed my method.  Now I was just going to try and be more conscience of my reactions.  Change my attitude and my response, change my reality.  And wouldn’t you know I got an opportunity to do that the very next day.

Woke up late at 6:15 instead of 6:00.  15 min not that big of a deal right? Wrong. That 15 min is what makes or breaks my morning. (CONTROL)

Get up in a hurry, through my clothes on, pull my hair back, brush my teeth, startle the kids awake “come on guys I overslept we need to hurry, get up and dressed, we have to go.”

Go and get the dogs to take them out thinking that the kids will get up and dressed while I take the dogs out.  Wrong! Two of the four did what I asked, one got up and got dressed but instead of getting his stuff for school decided that he needed to find a toy, and one didn’t get up.  Blood is now boiling, Ill I needed was for once for them to listen and do what I had asked that’s it and we still could have left on time. AHHHH! The time is now 6:55 and we should have left 10 min ago, one boy is still looking for a toy and the other is trying to walk out the door without his shoes. Oh my God! really! I am going to be so late for work.  So I start panicking. Finally get everyone into the car and we take off. It is now 7:00.  I should be dropping them off right now.  My son looks at me and says “Mom why are you so upset?” I start into a rant of why I just really needed them to listen, now because we were late I didn’t get to make my lunch, I didn’t get my coffee, they were going to have to have pop tarts at the school for breakfast, etc.  And wouldn’t you know I’m in the middle of my rant and I turn down the street and there is construction!  OF COURSE.  My kids start bickering about it was the boys fault that we are late, my daughter starts  yelling at the traffic, and there was my “ah ha” moment.  Look and what my CONTROL or actual LACK OF SELF CONTROL had done.  My bad attitude had now affected and caused my kids to be having a bad day.  It just clicked.   My issues with everything had nothing to do with anyone else but me.  I was creating my reality, and I really didn’t like it.  So I took control of the one thing that I could, MYSELF.  I looked at all the kids and stopped the yelling and bickering.  “Guys it’s not the boys fault that we are late, it’s not the traffic, it’s me.  I woke up late.  I am sorry that I was frustrated, but can we please work together when we do run late, because that would help.”  They all said yes.  The street opened up and we got to the school by 7:10.  Now to get them signed in and leave.  Shouldn’t take that long right?  Being that we had already had a very emotional morning each of my kids decided they needed a long hug and several goodbye’s.  I looked at the clock 7:15.  Well I am going to be late anyway, I can at least give my children what they need to have a good day.  I hugged each of them and told them again that I was sorry for my frustration this morning, I love them very much and hope that they have a great day! I am finally back in the car by 7:20.  It normally takes me 15 to 20 min to get from the school to my work. “Just let it go Terralar, you are never late to work, one time is not going to kill you.”  I took a deep breath and said “I’m done, it’s all yours, I don’t want the control, I know where I want to go but the path is up to you, I will let go and just follow now.”  I leave the school and make it to work by 7:30.  Not one red light, not one car cutting me off, not one bit of traffic. WOW!  What an overwhelming experience of peace.

Over the next few days I had more opportunities to remind myself to just let go.  With each I had to take a step back, breath, and just surrender.  But I have already started to see the benefits of just letting go.

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