Re-focusing Sexual Energy: Findings

CHOICE: The earliest observation I made in this process was about choice. Having set the above intentions, I became aware of every opportunity that arose to break those intentions and having to make a conscious choice about my behavior. Some obstacles I ran into:

  • Limiting how much I talk about sex or other people in that context, made me question one of my closest relationships. I had to struggle at times to find other topics of conversation, and wondered if the basis of that friendship was strong enough to survive a shift in my behavior.
  • My thought life is more active than I thought in this area. Fantasizing is a form of entertainment or distraction that comes up a lot especially in the evening or when falling asleep. My mind wants to fantasize that a certain person might ask me out and during this experiment I choose to say no to that. But what harm will it cause?
  • Frustration at my focus on what I “can’t” do, rather than a redirection of that energy.
  • Falling into value judgements like sex = bad, celibacy = good. A hard habit to break in our Judeo-Christian-centric society.
  • On a humorous note, my neighbors were having a lot of sex, and overhearing that was a challenge to my thought life.

One of the biggest choices I made was not to go to the monthly dance party I always go to. I was torn between wanting to go to be there with a different attitude versus not going and avoiding the challenge of the situation all together. My motivation to go was to dance, but I know that I check people out constantly too. I feel that when practicing a yama it is important to bring that into daily life, but taking Bramacharya practice to a setting specifically designed to promote sex seemed like going overboard. I felt it was a better choice to practice by choosing not to put myself in such a challenging situation.

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Re-focusing Sexual Energy: Findings (Con’t)

EGO: I experimented with who I choose to interact with in a few ways. For people who I feel physically attracted to I have purposely avoided flirting or even interacting with them, and I have also attempted to interact on a more authentic level by checking my motivation. After a class discussion about desires being at the base of things, I realized that in this case it’s not sexual desire that is at the bottom, but the desire to be loved/noticed/appreciated. Putting value in another’s reactions to me motivates my thoughts and deeds when it comes to sex and relationships. Furthermore I observed that because this is often my motivation for interacting with a person, I presume that someone who approaches me has the same motivation, that they are attracted to me. Which is a huge ego-trip.

 BEING PRESENT: I experimented with talking to a girl I had a crush on, and she engaged me in a conversation that led to us making plans to spend some time together for non-romantic reasons. However, this led my mind to extrapolate what might happen in the future. Through this situation I realized that it is one way that I have a hard time being present. If I am truly present in the moment I can have a conversation, not project into the future, and not worry about what will happen next.

 OTHER NOTES: When forming our experiments, our group brought up the question ‘how can Bramacharya be accessible to everyone in our modern society?’ Later group discussions reflected that our individual experiements were not proving to be terribly difficult. I think we anticipated them being more challenging because we entered them with limiting thinking like “I can’t…” have sex, fantasize, etc. For me, forming my hypothesis helped me focus on the positive saying “I want to respect people by thinking of them in ways that see them for who they are as people, and the Divinity within them”. That shift from the negative to the positive is in itself a redirection of my energy from the base to the spiritual, which is the point of Bramacharya.

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Re-focusing Sexual Energy: Final Thoughts

I have taken away some very positive results from this experiment.

  • Changing my motivation around who I interact with has opened up more possibilities for friendships and values-based relationships.
  • A much greater awareness of where I have focused my sexual energy in the past, and where I would like to focus it in the future.
  • Clarity around how I have gotten into poor relationships and new tools to avoid repeating that behavior.
  • Practicing one yama made me more subtly aware of other yamas, and therefore more accountable in multiple areas of my life.
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Deepening Connection Student Experiment

Axis Yoga’s teacher training program in Denver invites new students to apply one of many yogic principles to their daily lives. This student explores the application of Brahmacharaya (sexual abstinence) in her marriage. Her partner is also a student of the program, so they were able to collaborate and design their experiment together. By bringing more mindfulness into their relationship, she and her husband hoped to develop a deeper spiritual connection to each other, and to God.

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Deepening Connection: Introduction

The experiment related to Brahmacharaya and it’s application to my life as a married person.  This yama was chosen randomly, as the group size was the smallest and therefore, most appealing to me personally.  In recognizing that the concept of Brahmacharaya is essentially explained by Pantanjali  as abstinence of sexual behavior with the intention to redirect creative energies toward higher spiritual purposes, I recognized that this would require some modification in my married situation.  As my husband is also in the same group, we collaborated on this project and in this experiment. 

Pantanjali ‘s description of Bramacharaya is chastity and continence, which is traditionally interpreted as celibacy, but is also described as moderation or control of the senses.  After careful consideration of how these concepts may be applied to married couples, my husband and I decided that we would embark upon the experiment with regard to the purity of intention and sense of moderation which occurs from neither over-indulgence nor abstinence in sexuality.  Furthermore, considering that some of Pantanjali’s concepts, such as Bramacharaya, are contextualized for his social and cultural time in history, we maintained that this yama can be applied within the context of our own relationship, by practicing intentional “mindful and lovingness” towards one another within our relationship.   B.K. Iyengar, also interpreted that Bramacharaya need not necessarily consist of abstinence in the physical manner.  He indicated within his writings that one can practice Bramacharaya within a marriage by being mindful and loving in the relationship.

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Deepening Connection Experiment

The hypothesis developed by myself and my husband is, “If we practice mindfulness within our relationship (which includes creating a spiritual intention for shared space, time, intimacy/sexuality) and apply principles of chastity in the sense of purity, specifically purity of intention through mindful lovingness, then we will experience a deeper connection to the divine through mutual shared and selfless devotion to God within our relationship”. 

The experiment interestingly resulted in an increase in awareness to the “energy drains” on our lives including housekeeping, organization of time, personal relationships outside of the marriage, and work.  Additionally, we realized that in order to participate in the act of mindful intimacy and lovingness, we needed to unencumber our minds with worldly concerns, worries and barriers.  Further, we tended to “unfinished” business and projects within our home, essentially clearing stagnant energy while tending to our “bedroom” space.   Through the commitment of attending yoga classes together, reading discussing and planning our spiritual growth both individually and as a couple, we have increased our participation in each other’s lives on a spiritual and physical level.  To deepen this connection through the application of the experiment, we have taken greater steps towards building a more sustainable spiritual and emotional lifestyle.   In terms of the actual application of practicing moderation and chastity within the relationship, I believe that we are still working towards what that might look like as we continue to develop from within.  We have definitely increased our discussions around our sexual practices, present levels of emotional intimacy, spiritual connection to one another & God, and our intentions for our relationship on a day-to-day basis.

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Deepening Connection Journal Entries

Sitting in a gas station, my husband and I began a discussion of our sexual practices — the frequency, quality, spiritual aspects and satisfaction of these practices.  I realized that this conversation was very “large” and almost too intense to have in one setting.  We realized that this would be one of many conversations on this topic, and that there were many aspects of our relationship which affect our sexuality – one being our spiritual life.  I began to realize that by strengthening my own spiritual practices, I would have more insight and intentionality to my intimate connection to my husband on a physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional level. The location of our first discussion of such an intimate topic — a gas station, I realized was indicative of how busy we are and how little time we devote to our personal lives together,  particularly the spiritual and sexual connection we have.

I began to realize how disheveled our bedroom was, and began to desire to clean it up as well as  apply some intentional “love” to the beautification of our surroundings.  In many ways our bedroom is beautiful, but was somewhat ignored and in some ways, I realized that was a metaphor for our own lives as two people who are always doing, always giving, always there for others — but we were neglecting our own loving and intimate space, both within our home (bedroom) as well as within our interpersonal relationship.  I kept asking myself how we could integrate the divine into our lives without it seeming weird.  I know it isn’t weird, really, but it’s not something I regularly thought about.  Starting to point out these connections, initially, it seemed that my husband was focusing on my pointing out the deficiencies in our relationship, rather than seeing the “energy drains”.  I literally took him through the house and pointed out how we are losing emotional energy — I think he saw it as potentially more work.  I realized that I was tapping into a third eye of sorts and was very focused on finding the truth about what I needed to do/change or think about our situation.

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Deepening Connection Journal Entries (Con’t)

We had unexpected house guests, including two 5 year-old twins.  I felt drained and overwhelmed almost the entire time that we had to do this assignment.  I viewed it as an opportunity to learn more about what it is that I needed to “learn” and found out that I am not  taking enough time to find the divine in the every day, meditating enough, focusing on what is right, existing intentionally within the chaos.  This became my mantra – exist calmly and     intentionally within the chaos –  particularly applied towards my relationship with my husband and the divine – and of course, with myself as well.

After many discussions with my husband about Bramacharaya, we discovered a tremendous amount of information.  Particularly that many of the other yamas and neyamas are also called  into focus and that as we focus on increasing the intentionality of our time and space together, we must also attend to other priorities as they arise.  I am realizing that many areas of my life are affected by what seems to be a narrow focus – by focusing on Bramacharaya, many other aspects of my life are being affected.  It feels as if I am lifting the “rock” of my life and seeing all the worms and bugs squiggle around.  At first glance, it’s gross and overwhelming, but then when you look long enough, you recognize that they’re just bugs and that there is some kind of divine intelligence to the life under the rock and feel better about it knowing it’s there.  In my personal case, I’d continue on the path of creating the life that my husband and I want through the development of a lifestyle that is pure, loving, intentional and includes the divine within.

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Deepening Connection: Conclusion

In conclusion, I feel “out of time”, but this experiment has really caused a chain of events which has increased my awareness of my own self as well as deepened my connection with my husband.  In many ways, we are still trying out new ideas, practices, and behaviors.  Bramacharaya has increased my energy and focus for my relationship and I am more committed to welcoming the divine into my relationship through practice, stillness and intention.

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Student Explores Truthfulness

As part of Denver’s Axis Yoga teacher training program, students experiment with different yogic principles by applying them to their lives. This student chose to experiment with satya: truthfulness, word and thought in conformity with the facts. She thought, “If I can live my daily life in a way that is synergistic with Satya, life will be much simpler and my moral self will no longer be compromised. I must remember that although I am practicing Satya, Ahimsa (non-violence) must also be exercised.”

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