Another conclusion I made was while driving one day I was stopped at a railroad crossing. I caught myself looking at the car next to me where a little boy was sitting in his car seat with a birthday hat on, the car was filled with balloons and his mom was laughing and talking to him through the rearview mirror. The little boy looked over to me and gave me a big smile. I, of course, smiled right back at him and gave him a wave too. This got me thinking; when was the last time I walked by someone, or even drove by someone and was the first to smile? It had been a long time. Through this experiment I have caught myself taking time to smile at strangers and to ask people how their days are going even when I felt rushed to get going. I have been taking time out of my day to do this but that isn’t even how I think of it anymore. I am just living life how it should be and I am not “taking time” I am giving my time, happily. I am being my true self because this is me, this person I am today was how I grew up being, how I would like to think of how I have always been but somewhere along the way I got lost, I got consumed in my own being and wasn’t showing who I really was, I wasn’t showing my truth. I now go to bed and reflect on my day and realize how happy and fulfilled I feel with the way it has unfolded. Time is still an issue and of course there are still times I don’t stop to smile or I find myself frustrated at the person in front of me but the use of my time has done much more good than negative. Plus now, I have ways to get myself out of the funk. Just being aware of my actions, I have made significant progress compared to just weeks ago when I wouldn’t have even realized what I did.
Vimala Thakar, in her book Life as Yoga, wrote, “There is nothing more unclean than untruth. Untruth has a wonderful capacity to vitiate all your life. Before you know it, untruth brings you face to face with fear. Untruth is very proficient in giving rise to endless complexes, evils and disease without your even knowing anything about its processes. Untruth lands you in folly, fear, hypocrisy and false pride. Anyone who gives quarter to untruth even once will find that all sorts of impurities will enter into him by the backdoor. So the foundation stone of the spiritual endeavors is purity of life and purity means truthful behavior.” This sums it up. My husband and my interactions had been turning into, “Ok, I’m going to go. Make sure you change Henry’s diaper. Call the insurance company before 5. Oh and be ready when I get home because we have to meet your parents at 6.” We both were stressed, I was tired, I wasn’t eating properly but after realizing that this is no way to live and this isn’t my true self, things have started to take a more positive spiral and I know that it will take time, I will be taken out of my comfort zone but it is worth it, I am worth it.