My initial plan for the experiment was to do more service and incorporate it into my everyday life as much as possible. I know that doing things for others is the best way to make yourself happy. It is also something I’ve always felt compelled to do. But, it is also something I get anxiety over. For example, I’ll think I should go help that person with their groceries, but then I’ll talk myself out of it by telling myself things like they don’t want your help and you’ll look stupid. Then I’ll just feel really bad.
So I started out feeling nervous. I did small things for other people and really had to fight that negative inner dialogue. It was mentally exhausting. I felt like an asshole and kind of crazy as well. Not a great start. Then life added to the mix made things even more difficult.
The end of April and early May is a very difficult time for me emotionally and mentally. I was having a hard time coping with life in general and began shutting down. When depressed, maintaining the status quo is where all my energy and focus has to go. So my experiment fell to the wayside. I felt guilt but rationalized I’m doing the best I can and maybe this isn’t the best time in my life for this experiment. I can always try again, it doesn’t have to be just for yoga teacher training.