So at this juncture, what does the experience of Ahimsa in my life mean to me? Honestly, it means forward movement. Nurturing the physical/non logical aspect of my practice created an opening. Through this space, one grain of sand tumbled, end over end into my life, bringing with it awareness of different aspects of myself. A new way to experience the world that does not ask for definition or knowledge of self or really anything save for space to experience the vastness of the self and all the layers held therein. So. As I continue I assume that there will be another click, another grain of awareness, then another and another ad infinitum. Did I learn how self-love/ non-violence applies to me? Sure…but it feels as if the Yama is the vehicle for a series of deeper lessons pertaining to the engagement an acceptance of the true self. Loving in an all-encompassing way seems…simple when compared to developing a relationship with myself that allows for feeling with intention but without boundaries… Feeling without the fear of failure.
Typing this up, I found myself caught up in this “ Am I doing it right?” cycle. It freaked me out because I created this pressure to “make the grade” or however that translates to a paper about the experiential world of ethical yogic principals. After sitting with it awhile I decided that I could have written nothing if it suited me, or copied pages from Crime and Punishment, or drawn a picture of a bunny riding a unicorn across a rainbow… or baked cookies. It is the experience of looking at my life in a different light that matters. Not the words describing the experience. I’ m relatively sure if I walked in with cookies and stated that I found Ahimsa via said cookie…it would have been met with appreciation and support. Because who’s to say that a cookie can’t be my experience of self-love and non-violence or my objective experience of it. These objects serve only as a way to mark growth and self understanding and I appreciate and honour the fact that I am able to do both, despite my logical fight against myself to do it freely.