Healing: Facing the Past

I met Brittany’s father through a friend at work. His name was Gary. When I first saw him I fell

completely and totally in love with him.  The attraction was very intense and very passionate. We could

stay up and talk for hours and hours about everything . I was 21 years old very young and very naïve. I

got pregnant with Brittany right away, within four months of being with Gary. I remember knowing I

was pregnant, didn’t know how I just knew. I went and got a home pregnancy test and took it. I

remember walking out the bathroom pissed off. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I was 21, I had things to

do, I was still in my partying phase and now I was scared and unsure. After very long talks with family

and friends and time to myself, I decided to have this baby. In the next few months I found out Gary

was pretending to be somebody he was not. Things between me and Gary became very bad and

emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. So now not only was I pregnant and unsure I was not

emotional supported and loved through the pregnancy. I became knocked down and feeling like I was

nothing all the time. I was so unhappy and miserable I gained 80 pounds and made it not safe for me or

Brittany I became very toxic. They call it preeclampsia. When I was diagnosed with this, it was decided to

deliver a little early. When I was pregnant I found out I was having a girl and the doctor appointments,

oh my gosh, all the doctor appointments I must have picked a rookie doctor, because some things

happened that shouldn’t have. One of the tests I needed to take was drinking this super sugary mixture,

then have my blood drawn to check and see if I was diabetic. The nurse told me not to eat or drink

anything that morning, then come in and have my blood drawn. I did this and almost passed out after

they drew blood because apparently I was supposed to eat before drinking this mixture and then have

blood drawn. I was like hmmmm, should have the nurse probably remembered to tell me that part?

Probably so. There were a couple more questionable doctor appointments as well, but I let the things

that happened go. I remember getting to the hospital and they had this board with a patient list and my

name was wrong. This should have been my first warning. I got in my room, got situated, and then

came all the fun shots that induce labor. After getting these shots I started to dilate. I would go to a 4

then slip back to a 2, then to 6, and slip back to a 4, and so on. This continued for hours. Meanwhile,

Brittany would not turn around in my stomach to deliver. She just kept her feet facing first. Then the

monitors would start jumping around and rapidly found out that it was hers’ and my heart rate. I was

exhausted after hours and hours of this. Finally, it was time, but things got scary. She had a bowel

movement inside me, which is very toxic for babies. I had this green fluid coming out of me and her

heart rate was all over the place and I had this extremely unsettled feeling, like something was terribly

wrong. The nurses were telling me it was time to push when really they should have done a c-section

hours before this. Brittany’s head did drop down to come out first but she was faced the other way. I

kept pushing and she came out, only there was no sound. Brittany came out purple and not crying let

alone breathing. She was rushed over to a little table with several nurses and then was rushed out of

the room after they told me they got her breathing. Ten minutes after all this my doctor finally shows

up. I was really freaking out now and super worried. I was told a little bit later Brittany would be flown

out of there by flight for life over to Children’s hospital where they had the equipment to be able to

work on her.  When we got to Children’s, my little girl was hooked up to several machines keeping her

alive. She had needles almost everywhere on her, she had a breathing mask on helping her breathe, she

had an iv in her foot, hand and head, she had a catheter in as well. I remember thinking was, this can’t

be real. There is no way that this perfectly healthy baby in my womb was now here and hooked up to all

this stuff, and eventually I was going to wake up from this horrible dream I was having. I was told that

my daughter had suffered too long without oxygen. The cord got caught around her neck while I was

having her and she had suffered without air for so long, that there was too much damage to her brain,

and she would have to be hooked up to the machines keeping her alive for the rest of her life if she

lived. I felt my whole world come crashing down and my heart just shattered. I remember feeling like I

couldn’t breathe.  I was in so much pain. How could this happen? How could I be here living this

nightmare? After talking with Gary and my family we decided to let her go, that she would be better off

living in the spirit world than here on machines. We were all escorted into a private room with all of the

family and then Brittany was brought in by the nurse. The nurse had a hand pump oxygen mask on her.

She was handed around to all of the family then to me, with the nurse helping her breathe.  When she

was handed to me, I was able to say goodbye and then she died in my arms and so did a part of me. I

just stopped. I couldn’t stop crying and my world stopped. I no longer wanted to live. I didn’t care. My

mom was so amazing in all of this. I know if she would not have been there for me, I would have not

made it. All the baby stuff we had been gifted was sent with Gary’s mom and some with mine. I was so

sad I couldn’t eat, sleep, watch baby commercials, be around babies, even go into baby stores. I slept a

lot. I didn’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I became very hateful and very angry. I also started

to blame myself and especially the doctors and nurses. I was not ok. We sued the doctor. I hired an idiot

attorney who really messed up the case.  Nothing really became of the lawsuit. Doctors won’t testify

against other doctors and they lie for each other. Things that happened were lost and changed to save

the medical doctors involved in this whole ordeal. I lost myself in the process of all of that and never

truly fully come back to the person I once was. It took me several years to even want to be here on this

planet. I finally woke up and decided after another very scary and tragic event that happened in my life,

that I did have value.  I wanted to be here and it was time to get the weight off my body and my

shoulders that I was carrying around. To be able to hang out with friends, and just be happy again. Every

year on her birthday and on Christmas I would buy a bear for her. I started collecting bears for Brittany,

it somehow makes me feel closer to her. I eventually got together with a high school flame and we had

our son Caleb who is now 8. He is my life, and I thank god for him every single day. I am extremely over

protective of my son. I think it drives him a little crazy sometimes but it just because I feel very blessed

to have him and grateful that I have such a cool and funny boy.