Conscious Awareness: Setbacks
Then, I got sick. Not hospital sick, just a head cold. But, by my reaction to it, you wouldn’t have
known it was just a head cold. My lack of presence during that week of illness was astounding. I flowed
through my days completely unaware of my actions at any given moment. I did not even experience the
weird duality I sometimes do when life’s challenges prove difficult to handle. In my dual state, I am, at
least, aware that I am a wreck. I watch myself, shaking my head and laughing at how serious and
attached I am to making others happy and ensuring that the things I “should do” as a responsible adult
get done. It’s as if a part of me is separate from the insanity. At these moments, I get the tiniest of
insights into one of Hafiz’s quotes. “God and I have become like two giant fat people living in a tiny
boat. We keep bumping into each other and laughing.” Part of me is muddling through and the
separate part of me finds that fact absolutely hysterical while asking “Why muddle when you can skip?”
I’m still figuring out how to answer that question (which, I might add, my separate self finds even
There was no watching myself during that particular week of illness; I look back now on that
week as if it were a dream. I slept my way through it as I slept my way through all of my younger life.
Sadhana during that week was no more than a twinkle in my mind; something else that I should do and
wasn’t doing. Even the daily sadhana that I do at work was put aside.