After conducting this experiment, I realize the amount of time, I waste at work talking about things that do not need discussion and the positive difference meditating on the Gayatri Mantra has made in my overall work day. At times, when I became frustrated or irritated, I found myself repeating the words of the mantra in my head. Before long, I would start to think about the significance of each word and how the words applied to my feelings. Overall, I believe I caught a glimpse of how insight into satya reaches far beyond satya into my overall well-being and way of life. Yoga is as much practice as it is non-practice as so profoundly explained through the principle of satya.
The yama of Ahimsa can be practiced in many different ways. This Axis YTT student chose to practice “no harm” in the form of personal relationships. But as is not unusual, the journey brought insight into other areas of life as well.
I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life. However, I did not realize it was such a problem until the last couple of years when insomnia started to take over my well being. After a while, I made the connection that my insomnia was a product of my anxiety. One of the reasons for this anxiety was ridiculous and impossible expectations I had for myself. I felt like I needed to be the best, look the best, feel the best all the time and with everything that I did. I was terrified of failing and so I worked very hard but worrying about not being the best and failing would keep me up at night. Over the last few years, I have tried to change how I look and talk to myself. I have a much better handle on my anxiety and my insomnia. Recently I have begun to notice that while I am working on having my own attainable and realistic expectations, I do not do the same for others, especially those closest to me. When I decided to do Ahimsa I first thought I would practice not harming myself with high expectations and negative thinking. However, this is something I am already aware of and working on (or so I thought at the time). Instead, I chose to challenge myself a little more and stop harming my relationships with others because of the ridiculous expectations that I have for them.
For three weeks, I planned on not harming my relationships with family, friends, and co-workers because of how I believe they should act, work, talk, or behave. The goal was to not internally or externally judge or criticize them for not being the person or doing the things that I believed they should be doing. I chose to journal every night before I went to bed about how the day went and what I needed to work on for the next day. When I had a moment of judgment or impatience, I practiced my yogic breath and sometimes chanted to myself. I also tried to wake up before going to work and practice either ten minutes of asana or sadhana to try and calm and center my mind.
The first day was challenging, yet eye opening. Even waking up and doing only ten minutes of asana made me feel calm but excited and ready for the day. I knew that I had a problem with my expectations for others, but as a high school teacher, I was not sure if these same judgments spilled over into my classroom with my students. Amazingly, I realized that this is one group where I do not tend to overly criticize, become impatient, and have impossible expectations. This is the one group that I am very patient with and tend not to criticize. To be honest, I was not sure what to expect with how I judge my students and how I may be harming my relationships with them. Even though I have expectations for my students, I do not expect them to be perfect and have all the answers, because I believe that it is my job to help them. For me, this was quite the surprise and I even started to wonder if maybe I had made the wrong choice for my experiment. Then I went to a staff meeting after school and realized I made exactly the right choice.
At the staff meeting I encountered someone who I have no choice but to work very closely with in our department and as coaches. The last few weeks in particular had been especially difficult to work with him for various reasons. I do not tend to be a very sensitive person in certain ways. I am pretty thick skinned, love to joke around, can take a joke, and can also take constructive criticism fairly well. I have realized that I surround myself with the same kinds of people as many of my co-workers, family members, and close friends are like this also. However, this particular teacher is an extremely emotional, sensitive, passive aggressive young man. At the meeting, he became incredibly upset and emotional about a comment that was made to him by our principal. I became immediately annoyed, frustrated, and even angry at him for being so sensitive about a comment that I considered to be completely innocent. As I was telling him not to take things so personally and intensely I realized I was causing himsa to our relationship and to myself. I was upset because I did not think someone else should be upset. It had nothing to do with what I thought; yet I was allowing this man’s reactions to affect me in a negative and completely unnecessary way. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I allow him to affect me on a regular basis. I needed to be less affected, more patient, and simply allow others to be who they are. I was trying to make him more like me but that is not who he is, regardless of how I feel about his reactions. I cannot control others and that is not my job. What I can control is how I allow myself to react to others.
I began to notice how I view even my closest of friends. I judge them for not having a job that makes them happier, not having better communication with their husbands, not setting higher goals for them to strive for. It is exhausting how much I worry about others and how they are not doing the right things. My worrying and judging them to my standards does not help them, does not help me, and certainly does not help our relationship. I do not have all of the answers, or the perfect life, so why do I believe that others should live the way I do? If I love my husband, family, and friends, why on earth would I want them to be more like me? If I love them for who they are I needed to love them for all that they are. This realization was like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Loving those I already love, for who they are… genius!
I was amazed by the realizations that I was having. I was relieving anxieties I did not know I had, patching relationships I did not know were strained. When I began to have a negative or judgmental thought of someone else, I practiced my yogic breath and sometimes even chanted the Gayatri Mantra to help center myself. I was in control of myself and everything was going according to plan. It was the night going into the third week of the experiment and I felt great and reflected on how thankful I was for choosing ahimsa. I woke up that night with intense pain in my abdomen and to make a long story short, ended up in the hospital with appendicitis. This was not part of my plan. I missed the entire next week and a half of school and the experiment seemed over. I was cut off form the world, assigned to bed rest, and prescribed painkillers. Work stopped, axis yoga stopped, asana stopped, my world was put on pause without a notice or a choice. I tried to stay optimistic about my recovery and quickly rejoining the rest of the world. I was strong, determined, and in every other way, a healthy individual; I would be back on my feet in no time! I did not see the trap I was setting for myself, the impossible expectations that I was creating. Towards the end of the first week of my recovery I could feel myself becoming depressed from boredom and immobility. I went to yoga training and sat in class, I became more depressed knowing I could not fully participate. I went to work six days after the surgery and went home in pain and overcome with complete exhaustion and had to take two more days off of work. Instead of accepting life and healing, I was still setting impossible expectations and despairing when I could not meet them. I was harming myself; I was no longer practicing ahimsa.
In the last few days, I have tried to slow down and be more patient and accepting of my recovery. I have tried to actually listen to the doctors instead of my own expectations. This is not easy for me. In my perfect world, I could have finished the experiment and felt good about how well I did and how much I changed. Life happened, I wasn’t ready for it but I am still trying.
My experiment will never be over. Even though I believe, through my practice, my judgments about others and myself will reside and become easier to spot. However, life will always happen and I will always have to choose how to react to it. I did experience more peace when I was practicing ahimsa in my relationships and I will continue to work on this. At the same time, I must also become more aware of how I am reacting to this world, especially when this world surprises me. I will continue to practice patience with others as well as myself. I want to continue exploring the eight limbs and be open to what they reveal to me. I look forward to a lifetime of practicing the yogic way of life, even when life happens.
Each year Axis YTT students find new awareness through their experiments with the yamas and niyamas. This student found the ability to “come into my spirit” through both passive and active surrender to God. This is the account of practicing the niyama, Ishvara Pranidhana.
Three weeks ago, sitting in class I was struggling with the decision of which yama/niyama group to choose. After listening to the mentors discuss their experiences I was moved and excited to begin my own journey. However, felt this was something I would carry with me much longer than three weeks, rendering the decision a difficult one. Nevertheless, as I listened to the last mentor discuss Ishvara Pranidhan I felt my heart gravitating toward this experiment group almost automatically. Just like that, I had chosen to surrender to God.
In the beginning, it was a little difficult to formulate my experiment. I started thinking of why Ishvara Pranidhan was an obvious choice and how I could apply it in my life appropriately. Currently my life is in a bit of a transitional state. Having recently moved to a new state I am searching for work in a difficult market and preparing to apply to an extremely competitive internship program. I find these situations frustrating because no matter how much I plan and prepare I have no control over the outcome. What’s more, I consider myself a super planner. I like to have a clear plan in life, which typically transcends into enjoying the security of controlled situations. I think planning can be good to a degree, when it helps you to stay organized. However, the downfall is I often find myself trying to over-plan or control a situation that I have essentially had no control over. Therefore, I waste valuable time wondering, worrying, and becoming wrapped up in situations that may or may not happen. Which overall, results in not being present or valuing the given moments of the here and now.
After reflecting on this realization, I decided that if I surrender things beyond my control to God, then I will have more peace and it will allow me to be present in my life.
I began journaling. This very cathartic experience allowed me to re-direct my thoughts in moments where my mind was spiraling out of control. Being a planner, I began to make daily lists of things that I wanted to focus on and that were tangible. The lists really helped me stay focused on the present task instead of letting my mind steam roll into the over-planning mode. When I found myself fixating on a situation that I had no control over I would literally tell myself “STOP” and offer the thought up to God. I found serenity in this practice because it felt like letting go and being free. I also began to develop a more consistent sahdna practice to help this process of letting go. These actions were all very helpful; however, Richard Freeman writes in The Mirror of Yoga that the surrender carries two connotations, one that is passive and one that is active. Most of what I was doing was passively surrendering to God by simply accepting things as they are and having trust in God. In order to fully immerse myself in the experiment I wanted to go a little deeper and work on an active surrender.
About Us
The Denver Yoga Underground began in 2003 at the request of dedicated students who wanted to study yoga as a holistic system. Over the years, a diversity of people, seeking education outside of a studio, found a welcome refuge in DYU.
Today we specialize in grassroots Pay What You Can workshops, accessible retreats and our signature yoga teacher training, for the outlier yogi.
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Denver Yoga Underground Director:
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave
Derik Eselius ~ 720.934.6934
Training Location:
Sixth Ave. UCC 3250 E. 6th Ave