Aims: To understand the aspects of the Yama (social discipline) Ahimsa as defined in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. The goal is to explore how the practice of Ahimsa currently exists in my life and from this investigation, develop a new way of experiencing the world with compassion, kindness and grace.
Rationale: Exploring who I am via a set of static practices/analysis that will help identify constellating patterns of thought pertaining to Ahimsa as I experience it in my life. I believe that understanding how I interact with my subset of the world as well as how myself (ya know, the approximation of the self I experience via sense data) will allow for a deeper movement into yogic practice, philosophy and theory. My hypothesis is that setting a scaffolding of meditation, pranayama and asana practice to support my search for what Ahimsa means to me will allow for a deeper experience of the Self.
Methods:
Meditation and Pranayama – 6 AM/10AM/10PM
6am – 4 purifications
10am –seated meditation
10pm –seated meditation
Asana Practice – 3 times a week + in class certification asana practice 3 times a week (6 classes’ total).
I have a regular practice outside of class asana – My intention is to apply technical and philosophical lessons learned during certification to this outside practice. I have been trying to pair my asana and meditation practice.
Journal of self-study – Daily 20 – 40 minutes.
Blog or good old fashioned pen and paper.
Discussion group – 1-2 time throughout the experimental process.
Results: A deeper understanding of whom I believe I am as compared to who I am in relation to the concepts of Ahimsa. A deeper appreciation of my meditation and asana practice. Philosophical confusion and a reminder that all things cannot be dissected and assimilated through the head. Sometimes it takes the heart and body to become an open and available creature, Alive to the universe.
Main Conclusions: Developing a practice of compassion and non-violence that encompasses all things is a difficult concept to work with at the logic/head level. Via this experiment I have found that experiencing the concept of Ahimsa from what I call my heart space, without attaching the constructs of the mind to it has made assimilating and the concept easier. My ego/head self works too hard and too fast most days of my life and slowing down, working through my reluctance to let go of a head based understanding of Ahimsa allowed for me to assimilate the Yama at the body level. I found early on my ego self rejected the idea of simple contemplation of Ahimsa. I believe it is because I have a tendency to want to “research “and “know “what a thing is before I begin to engage it. I want to do it in the right way as if a full practice must also be an understood practice. Letting loose of my stranglehold in this particular belief system has been rewarding enough for me to continue the practice I’ve developed around accepting the concepts of non-violence and compassion as a wholly embodied process into my life.

I decided to use my experiment with the Yama Ahimsa in a self-focused way, rather than establishing my practice in a way that expended effort on the conscious non-harm to others. It felt right to do so for a number of reasons:
• Engaging with the “I” is something I can do at any time so it set wide boundaries for my experiment.
• I tend to self -abuse as a rule rather than an exception. I felt that documenting when I do it and the emotions surrounding it would allow me a greater vision of where my unconscious tendencies eek through my ego self and affect my life and create a place where observation at a minimum and the development of action would happen organically.
• I can assess where I am in a process far easier than I can where assess others/the universe is in relationship to me so finding the best way to engage my life seemed…well…easiest.
• I wanted to do something meaningful, and inwardly focused exploration of ahimsa felt as if it could illuminate powerful pathways to a sense of wholeness of the self.
I found that engaging with the Yama Ahimsa at the self-level was, vexing for me. I love philosophy and tend to get lost in the different avenues that one can take when defining what “I” or “consciousness” means and what that definition means when juxtaposed against an ethical tenet. I spent about a week lost in a rabbit hole trying to define exactly what I was trying to experience. My thought processes went something like this:
I am human. Because I am human I hold all potentialities of “humanness” within me: Good/Evil, Violent/Non-violent etc. I don’t engage these aspects of myself but does simply knowing that they exist in me make practicing Ahimsa moot? I’m already violent because I exist, I just don’t manifest violence., Is Ahimsa simply this? Not manifesting my humanity? But what about wholeness? How can I be whole if I deny part of the self?
Logical vs. Experiential: Outside Input
This kind of circular self discussion continued for days until I engaged in my first “discussion group” which was really myself and a few others drinking red wine and dissecting how/why I was philosophically sabotaging my experiment by thinking too much.
After we all wandered around the warrens of definition and logic of Ahimsa and the Self it was determined that when I am afraid of digging deeper into who “I” am I go to what I know: logic.
My logical self is firm, disallows an idea to flower without understanding how and why and when and where …it is a protective mechanism and after many hours of conversation, we determined it to be a form of self-abuse at the most and self-serving/ego-selfishness at the least. My best friend, a sage and old soul gave me a message that really resonated: “ Dude, you take things too seriously. There is no failure here, just experience it and stop trying to DO it right”. It was really powerful to hear that I can allow myself the experience of my inner world without trying to do it “right”.
Logical vs. Experiential: Self-observations
I kept a journal and a blog throughout this process and doing so helped me look at where my fears manifested the most (Will I like who I am when I begin comparing that person to what Ahimsa means via the Sutras) and how to begin working without having to assuage the “logical self” first (Simply let go). In addition to my journal/blog, I also kept a day planner where I jotted down when negative thoughts arose, what events preceded them and what emotions they brought with them. This bore fruit but I let it go after a while because it felt like it played into my need to collect data in order to move forward. A week of noting my negative thought cycle did provide me with insight into where I channel negative emotions and made my waking self more aware of how to way lay this function…but again…it was a really head based process, not heart based.
I feel as if I made the most forward movement (okay…okay I experienced the most at the heart level instead of the head space) with my meditation practice, engaging the 4 purifications paired with asana practice as something to open rather than as a physical practice in itself. Richard Freeman in The Mirror of Yoga (2010) notes, “ The nature of all practice-asana, pranayama, meditation, or the study of philosophy-is that of framing and reframing” (p.29). I found via my meditation, pranayama and asana practice I was able (am able) to reframe how I experience the meaning of Ahimsa. Rather than allowing it to settle in my logical mind, I stopped trying to explore what the concept meant and began to work with how it felt in my body or as point of singular focus during meditation practice. Ahimsa became a felt experience instead of a term that required definition. The more I practice with a boundless concept of love/non-harm as the intention for my action, the more I find peace and a growing ability to move “into” the experience of it. In essence I stopped taking it so seriously per my friends instruction.
Logical vs. Experiential: Conclusion
So at this juncture, what does the experience of Ahimsa in my life mean to me? Honestly, it means forward movement. Nurturing the physical/non logical aspect of my practice created an opening. Through this space, one grain of sand tumbled, end over end into my life, bringing with it awareness of different aspects of myself. A new way to experience the world that does not ask for definition or knowledge of self or really anything save for space to experience the vastness of the self and all the layers held therein. So. As I continue I assume that there will be another click, another grain of awareness, then another and another ad infinitum. Did I learn how self-love/ non-violence applies to me? Sure…but it feels as if the Yama is the vehicle for a series of deeper lessons pertaining to the engagement an acceptance of the true self. Loving in an all-encompassing way seems…simple when compared to developing a relationship with myself that allows for feeling with intention but without boundaries… Feeling without the fear of failure.
Typing this up, I found myself caught up in this “ Am I doing it right?” cycle. It freaked me out because I created this pressure to “make the grade” or however that translates to a paper about the experiential world of ethical yogic principals. After sitting with it awhile I decided that I could have written nothing if it suited me, or copied pages from Crime and Punishment, or drawn a picture of a bunny riding a unicorn across a rainbow… or baked cookies. It is the experience of looking at my life in a different light that matters. Not the words describing the experience. I’ m relatively sure if I walked in with cookies and stated that I found Ahimsa via said cookie…it would have been met with appreciation and support. Because who’s to say that a cookie can’t be my experience of self-love and non-violence or my objective experience of it. These objects serve only as a way to mark growth and self understanding and I appreciate and honour the fact that I am able to do both, despite my logical fight against myself to do it freely.

This kind of circular self discussion continued for days until I engaged in my first “discussion group” which was really myself and a few others drinking red wine and dissecting how/why I was philosophically sabotaging my experiment by thinking too much.

After we all wandered around the warrens of definition and logic of Ahimsa and the Self it was determined that when I am afraid of digging deeper into who “I” am I go to what I know: logic.
My logical self is firm, disallows an idea to flower without understanding how and why and when and where …it is a protective mechanism and after many hours of conversation, we determined it to be a form of self-abuse at the most and self-serving/ego-selfishness at the least. My best friend, a sage and old soul gave me a message that really resonated: “ Dude, you take things too seriously. There is no failure here, just experience it and stop trying to DO it right”. It was really powerful to hear that I can allow myself the experience of my inner world without trying to do it “right”.

I kept a journal and a blog throughout this process and doing so helped me look at where my fears manifested the most (Will I like who I am when I begin comparing that person to what Ahimsa means via the Sutras) and how to begin working without having to assuage the “logical self” first (Simply let go). In addition to my journal/blog, I also kept a day planner where I jotted down when negative thoughts arose, what events preceded them and what emotions they brought with them. This bore fruit but I let it go after a while because it felt like it played into my need to collect data in order to move forward. A week of noting my negative thought cycle did provide me with insight into where I channel negative emotions and made my waking self more aware of how to way lay this function…but again…it was a really head based process, not heart based.

I feel as if I made the most forward movement (okay…okay I experienced the most at the heart level instead of the head space) with my meditation practice, engaging the 4 purifications paired with asana practice as something to open rather than as a physical practice in itself. Richard Freeman in The Mirror of Yoga (2010) notes, “ The nature of all practice-asana, pranayama, meditation, or the study of philosophy-is that of framing and reframing” (p.29). I found via my meditation, pranayama and asana practice I was able (am able) to reframe how I experience the meaning of Ahimsa. Rather than allowing it to settle in my logical mind, I stopped trying to explore what the concept meant and began to work with how it felt in my body or as point of singular focus during meditation practice. Ahimsa became a felt experience instead of a term that required definition. The more I practice with a boundless concept of love/non-harm as the intention for my action, the more I find peace and a growing ability to move “into” the experience of it. In essence I stopped taking it so seriously per my friends instruction.

So at this juncture, what does the experience of Ahimsa in my life mean to me? Honestly, it means forward movement. Nurturing the physical/non logical aspect of my practice created an opening. Through this space, one grain of sand tumbled, end over end into my life, bringing with it awareness of different aspects of myself. A new way to experience the world that does not ask for definition or knowledge of self or really anything save for space to experience the vastness of the self and all the layers held therein. So. As I continue I assume that there will be another click, another grain of awareness, then another and another ad infinitum. Did I learn how self-love/ non-violence applies to me? Sure…but it feels as if the Yama is the vehicle for a series of deeper lessons pertaining to the engagement an acceptance of the true self. Loving in an all-encompassing way seems…simple when compared to developing a relationship with myself that allows for feeling with intention but without boundaries… Feeling without the fear of failure.

Typing this up, I found myself caught up in this “ Am I doing it right?” cycle. It freaked me out because I created this pressure to “make the grade” or however that translates to a paper about the experiential world of ethical yogic principals. After sitting with it awhile I decided that I could have written nothing if it suited me, or copied pages from Crime and Punishment, or drawn a picture of a bunny riding a unicorn across a rainbow… or baked cookies. It is the experience of looking at my life in a different light that matters. Not the words describing the experience. I’ m relatively sure if I walked in with cookies and stated that I found Ahimsa via said cookie…it would have been met with appreciation and support. Because who’s to say that a cookie can’t be my experience of self-love and non-violence or my objective experience of it. These objects serve only as a way to mark growth and self understanding and I appreciate and honour the fact that I am able to do both, despite my logical fight against myself to do it freely.

As part of the Axis Teacher Training program, this student experimented with the application of Ishvarapranidhana, surrender to God. This resulted in two meaningful experiences that will inspire further practice.

Like many, I experienced some traumatic religious experiences in my youth. To summarize, at the age of sixteen, I was asked by church officials to choose between my divorced parents, with the understanding that the wrong choice would mean my excommunication resulting in never reaching “total freedom” (the ultimate goal of all Scientologists). This was followed closely by the decimation of my religious belief structure. Despite the strides I have made over the course of the last twenty-six years to find a way to live and grow spiritually, I still struggle with the concept and practice of religion and ritual. Choosing the Ishvarapranidhana, surrender to God, group for the first experiment would afford me the opportunity to raise my awareness of my reactions toward God, religion, and ritual. My experiment became an activity to define what Ishvarapranidhana meant to, and for, me.

I went about this by adding a daily meditation with a mantra and expanding my current daily meditation to include a mantra. I selected Om and Soham as the mantras. In addition, I performed some limited research regarding what various translations and interpretations of the Upanishads had to say about God. I journaled to record my thoughts and experiences.

Although no one quite yet has the universal answer for who or what God is, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the definition of God that I find most appealing was also found in some translations of the Upanishads. The difference that I continue to contemplate is the personification of God that seems to thread through every definition, if only implied. God, for me, is a collective energy that is found everywhere and in everything in the universe. Although greater than the sum of its parts, I am not comfortable with the idea of this energy having a separate identity or individuality. The research did not result in me redefining what God is for me but did have me review whether or not my current perception still fit.

The best part of this portion of my experience occurred at the very beginning of the experiment when Susan, our group mentor, was very kind and shared her perception of God. Previously, I had found the idea of God to be narrowly defined in the Abrahamic faiths. Her knowledge caused me to recognize that the religious scriptures of those religions did not confine the definition of god; my perception of them did; and that the understanding of God within those, and indeed all religions, can be infinite. I thanked her at the time but want to again, here in writing, express my gratitude. Allowing me to witness God through her perception was a true gift.

I did not expect my perception to be opened even wider. I was having a very difficult time at work, frustrated with my lack of ability to stay on top of everything, angry with the executives of the corporation for trying to get more for less from their employees, and for the general lack of compassion that one of the managers has towards others. Although I get frustrated somewhat frequently with the world in which I currently work, much of the time I am able to see that most companies, including mine, are struggling and cost cutting, and that the manager who appears to drive those around her too hard is simply afraid. None of these understandings were helping me. Each day brought a new challenge and the black cloud that was hanging above me became a thunderhead.

As I was contemplating what to do about this situation, I remembered Kevin telling us to be in the first adho mukha svanasana for the day instead of squirming away from the tension and discomfort. Here I was again, in an unhappy work situation, squirming away from it instead of being in it. The million dollar question was, how could I be in it without carrying the weight of it around my neck. This time, it was Derik’s words that came to me.

I remembered Derik’s story about taking the teenagers camping and the physical difficulties he faced. When he said that it presented him a good opportunity to practice Ishvarapranidhana, I listened and understood the words, but I didn’t hear him. Even knowing that I was missing something huge, didn’t help; I simply retained the sense that I missed the message.

Now I was carrying discomfort, albeit not as difficult as Derik’s. So, I contemplated surrendering my current difficulties much like Derik had surrendered his. But how could I place my problems on everyone else? Wasn’t that what surrendering them to God was? They were my responsibility and wouldn’t it be wrong and hurtful to allow others to take that on? I’d love to say that I reconciled these questions, but I didn’t. I just decided to try it, despite the fact that it may not be the most ethical of decisions. My next thought wasn’t really a thought at all, I just let the anger, resentment, and frustration go. Had I tried to figure out how to do it, I don’t know that I could have, let alone actually do it. And after letting go, I realized that I had been holding on to the emotions. No, I hadn’t been holding on to them, I’d been clinging to them like they were the last life jacket in a cold and dark sea. I had drawn them about me and inside them I could feel free to be sanctimonious. I felt lighter. I had shed the heavy back pack I’d been hauling around. I wasn’t euphoric or joyful, I was calm and serene. The euphoria came a few days later when I realized that, not only didn’t I need to pick the anger and frustration back up, I wasn’t going to. And then, I surrendered the euphoria too; again, serenity.

Although I love parts of my job, and always have, I don’t mean to suggest that I now love going to work and that I enjoy the culture and the environment in which I work. Work became just work; sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant. I was serene and calm for a while. Some difficult days at work have come along since. Even though my anger and resentment haven’t returned, I do find myself getting overly stressed and worried; made larger by my headache condition. I see these as more opportunities to practice, even if they aren’t as successful as my first attempt.
I’m not sure that I experienced Ishvarapranidhana or if I experienced something else entirely. One way or the other, I’ve been given two amazing experiences for which I am thoroughly grateful.